Random Ponderings

The weekend has passed quite slowly, and I'm glad I'll be back in class starting tomorrow except for the fact that A. I'm still contact-less (as in lenses, not as in people) and B. I didn't get an assignment done in one class because they didn't have the book at the book store. But I will be doing some studying of my Japanese with my friend Betsy tomorrow, so that will be good.

I've still been pondering over my meeting with Sensei, and perhaps this is the product of me thinking too much, but I've come to the conclusion that he was uncharacteristically happy to see me. And only a few minutes had passed of our meeting that immediately after he had posted on his girlfriend's facebook wall that he loved her, which seems to show signs of insecurity to me. Another thing that happened, which I failed to mention on here simply because I didn't feel it necessary was that a couple days before I came back, I was thinking about aforementioned girlfriend, and when I thought of her, I imagined her name and his surname. And it just seemed somehow right to me. So after a lot of praying, I posted on my facebook status (somewhat cryptically) that I was happy for him and was letting him go and wished them happiness. After I'd done this, I went to bed and cried a little, and I felt the Holy Spirit's warmth upon my face, and a voice whispered to me "I'm pleased with you, my child. I love you." At the time, I thought God was praising me for following His will, but after this recent encounter with Sensei, I have begun to rethink what this might have meant. Perhaps God wants me to be with Sensei, and He was proud of me for letting go of my selfish desire to b with him to offer him happiness with "her". God's will in my life in some places is clear, for example I KNOW He wants me to do something with music, and I sense he wants me to become a teacher. I can tell he wants me at Lee at least for the remainder of my undergraduate studies, but I think He wants me to go elsewhere for my graduate studies, which I do intend to pursue. However, as for my romantic life, I don't even have an inkling what He has in store for me. But...among previous prospects, I feel like Sensei stands a decent chance of being my "one" if you believe in such a thing. And I think....or maybe I just hope.....that God is giving me a second chance with him now that I've learned to be bolder and less afraid....and now that I know exactly what I want. But I'm going to wait for Him to make His will a little clearer to me.

And, I haven't made the blog itself aware, but most of you are aware of David by this point. (Aka the "Waffle House guy" / "gay guy" [he's not gay, but for a short time there was reason to suspect.]) I have realized that Sensei and David are like the sun and the moon. I'm not sure which plays which role, but each of them plays an important part and creates a whole in my life. At Lee, I have Sensei, and at home I have David. And without either of them, a part of my sky is missing. But if I could have one of them, the sky would be complete. And I feel like Sensei might have felt the same way when he was choosing b/w me and his current girlfriend.... each of us has qualities that are unique and appealing to him, but I think he ended up choosing the one who shone more brightly at the time.

And it makes me ask myself, if I was forced to choose between Sensei and David, which one would I choose? I had feelings for Sensei first, but David was there for me the whole summer. He took the initiative to get to know me, and was careful about everything he said and did until I made my feelings clear. When Sensei was courting me, before he was with "her", I felt like I could easily rely on him. I want to say I'd choose Sensei first, but then that's not fair to David. And along the same lines, I feel like if I DID choose David first, I might feel like I was "taking" second place even though I could have first. I feel like being with Sensei would create less trouble among my family and friends, but then if he's not interested, I can't force him. But I don't want David to feel like a consolation prize, because I CHOSE him as well. I could and would be VERY happy with him if it came to that.

"It's just like the sun, but more like the moon."

Sorry about that little rant, just needed to get things off my mind.

Cissy

Alone

A long time ago a friend of mine once pointed out that just because you have a large number of people around you doesn't mean you're not alone.

Now, when I hear that, it's a statement of the obvious to me. How many times have I found myself in a room full of people and felt like the only one there? How many times have I been in a crowded place, surrounded by friends, but still had no one to talk to? And here I sit in my empty bedroom. My roommate is out somewhere, and my suitemates haven't been around all evening. I'm writing in my blog, wanting to cry for various reasons, most of which you should be aware of if you've been keeping up, and some you wouldn't be aware of but are petty, simple reasons that, on their own would make no sense. But added on top of everything else feel like the end of the world. I tried calling my dad earlier, but his cell phone is dead or on a charger or something. I don't know, but I feel like talking to him would help even though there's nothing he can do from 140 miles away.

I miss David. (The Waffle House guy) He was always so good with me....so gentle, so friendly and sweet, and I just felt really comfortable and happy whenever he was around. I never forgot what was bothering me with him around, but he shone with a light that I could focus on that made things seem less dark than they were. His smile and the sparkle in his eye always made me feel like I could get through everything. I even like missing him. I really like him. Even if nothing ever comes of him and me, I just really like him. But he's not here either.

I find myself trying as hard as I can to reach out, but even when people grasp my groping fingers, it's like I draw myself away.... like even if they know everything like Sara and Andrea, they still can't understand everything. They don't feel what I'm feeling. And they can't pull me out of this frozen lake that I seem to have fallen into....this icy water that varies between numbing me and tormenting me. And I can't talk to my family about it. If they don't know yet, it's up to Anne to tell them.

There's a teacher I have this semester that I sense will eventually be important to me in a personal way, and I feel like that's a good thing. He has a very engaging personality in the classroom, and he seems to have taken a liking to me. And I feel like at some point, I might end up telling him about what I'm going through....maybe more than the general "thing" that I tell most of my friends. That she's sick and that she and I have a tough relationship. But I don't know how much he'd be able to help or do for me. But there's something different about him that I sense he might be able to reach a different level than everyone else has thus far. I feel like having a mentor that I could talk to about these things....not a counselor or a shrink, but just someone to guide me in a caring sort of non-parental, but also non-friendly way.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I just know it hurts, and in the human realm, I feel extremely alone. I can feel my Father keeping me safe under His wings, but I just wish there was someone in this realm....someone I could physically touch and hug and speak to who would say something beyond all the trite things I've been hearing these past few days. To know that people are praying for me is a blessing. Don't get me wrong. But I just wish there was something someone would be able to say that might make me be able to access and reach this pain and dive into it and then let it go.

I'm just tired of feeling so alone. And I know I haven't been relying on God as much as I need to. It's just hard even though it's the most important thing. And without Him, I can't function at all. He's kept me moving through this.....but I still feel so alone.

Cissy </3

Coping

I suppose this is sort of a follow up on my last post, and don't be surprised if the subject matter of my posts is pretty similar in the near future. I talked to Sara and my friend Andrea about the whole issue with....for now we'll call her Anne since calling her "that person" can get very confusing. Anyway, after speaking with them, and doing some praying and soul-searching, I realized there's a lot more to forgive than the one big issue. It's not just a matter of feeling guilty for what I feel like I "Put on her" by praying for this punishment. There are things to forgive both myself and her for that I've ignored and set aside for the past....well, adding up to nearly 21 years now. I realized that she's done a lot more to hurt me than the one incident three Christmases ago. Our whole lives are filled with the two of us hurting each other and never trying to amend it. There are so many ways in which I've hurt her, probably as much as she's hurt me, and in truth, in her own way, she's done her best to forgive me and make peace with me over it.

I've started writing her letters....for the past three days, I've written her letters. It's been therapeutic and personally enlightening. I've been rereading what I write, and I realized there's a lot more I want to say than I even dreamed. How much of a burden she's been in my home and for me and my parents, how much trouble she's caused. I want her to know that, yes, she did hurt me. I don't want to rub it in her face, and I want to admit that I want to turn from that and forget that, but I can't change the fact that I felt those feelings. I want to be totally frank with her, but I'm so scared of her getting upset. But honestly, no matter how it hurts me, I also want to know what a burden I've been on her as well. I find myself desiring lately to know people's honest opinions of me, even if they're negative and critical and even hurtful.... I find myself wanting to know how people really feel about me...in what ways I've hurt them, helped them, changed them.

Another thing I've discovered in writing these letters is just how much I've done to her. And I'm going through the process of letting go of the things I did to her and forgiving myself.....because if I can forgive myself, forgiving her will be easier. But don't think this is a cop-out. I blame myself and beat myself up for hurting people. It's not some feel-good thing of just letting go. The Holy Spirit is working with and in me more than anyone knows right now.

The hardest thing to do right now, more than anything else in the world, is to cry. Sometimes it's so easy, and I just let it out like it's nothing, but then there are the times when the walls come up, and no matter how I try to break them down, I can't make myself cry about anything. I spoke some to my friend Abbie about that earlier. The more people in my circle of friends that I talk to about it, the easier it is. I feel less alone, even though I still feel extremely alone right now. In fact, now more than ever do I feel like I've never been this isolated within my pain, so as Andrea told me, it's time to push myself out of this and go ahead and talk to people about "Anne" and not be afraid of it.

Speaking of communication, I saw Sensei yesterday. That was kind of good and kind of bad. On my part, I felt pretty unattached, like I could say hi and let him go on his way, but I felt a sense of reaching out on his part..... like he almost regretted his decision and still wanted to reach out to me as more than just a teacher, and maybe even as more than a friend which made all the emotions get stirred up, and that mixed with the whole "Anne" situation....actually gave me nightmares and a very mild panic attack last night. So I'm going to keep thinking of David and keep walking away, no matter how badly I want to look back....

Cissy </3

pain

As I write this, I feel as though the things I'm about to say are someone else's story other than my own. I feel like the pain is empathy to someone else's trouble, not scarring within myself. The sadness that I feel is for someone else's upcoming loss, not mine, and talking about it at all is so foreign to me that posting about it almost doesn't make sense.

I know many of you are aware of the person who has hurt me the most in my life. I don't want to say who that person is in case someone who knows her sees this. Many of you are also aware that she did something to hurt me very severely the Christmas after I turned eighteen. Well, after she hurt me, I remembered praying that God would punish her for it. After that, things in her life became quite troubled. She got sick several times with various things, and then she ended up pregnant out of wedlock which caused a rift to be torn among some of my family members. Well, she found out before the baby was born that after he was born, she was likely to develop cancer. Well, it turns out now that he's a little over a year old that she DOES seem to have developed cancer, and doesn't have any insurance or money to pay for the operation. And because I DID pray that she would be punished, I kind of blame myself. I feel like this is all somehow my fault, and I'm terrified that there's nothing that can be done unless a miracle occurs. I know that God can do something that big, but if she...dies, I don't know if I'll ever shake this strange guilt for it.

I had a long chat with Sara about it earlier, and I figured some of it out. I also think (and this is due to some counseling from Sara too) that I still feel a lot of hurt for what she did to me 2 1/2 years ago. I still haven't let that go, and I DO want to forgive her and love her and trust her, but it's something that will take so much time for me......so I hope that God will help me to forgive her while she's still alive. I hope He'll guide my heart in the way it needs to go right now, because....in some ways, I love her the most of everyone....because she DID hurt me. And I refuse to let her die without letting go of that pain, because I'll never forgive myself for it.

Many other things on my mind right now, but this is at the forefront.

Cissy

Honesty

So I've been up all night, and that being the case, I may decide this is utter crap later and delete it, but for now I feel like it's important.

Ever since that conversation with the friend I mentioned a few days ago, a lot has changed in my mind. One thing that has really struck me is the importance of being honest and saying what I mean. In the past, if I wanted to keep an issue to myself, I did everything to skate around it or simply shy away from it altogether. Remaining cold when people reach out to you may keep you protected, but it will also leave you out in the cold when you need warmth yourself.

For now, I'm tired of keeping secrets. I was keeping the secret about my feelings for sensei quiet because I honestly felt I was protecting him and his job. I was scared that if I allowed things to develop that he'd get in trouble. But in hindsight, I honestly think a part of me was scared of letting him be close to me. He honestly reached out to me, and I just stood there staring at that outstretched hand like I didn't care. Why can I blame him for pulling his hand away when I turned my back on him? When I turned around, that hand had been offered to someone else who took it, and the only one at fault was me. However, all this time, I've only been thinking about my own feelings on the matter. It never once occurred to me that he might have been heartbroken by my apparent rejection. All I could think about was my own loss....not his happiness.

But there are so many other sides to this than just romance. By keeping this secret from my friend, I created a rift between us. By telling friends that I wasn't bothered by something that really did bother me, they may continue to do it and hurt/bother me more until I lash out at them and hurt them.

So I go back to that simple song:

"I would do anything if you'd be honest and say what you mean...."

Cissy ♥

God really takes care of me.....

So.... I went to the gynecologist for my follow up today. I'll spare you all the details, but she told me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which you can read about at that website. Figure I'll save my male readers some potential embarrassment/TMI moments.

On that website (I forgot to ask the NP), it mentioned that infertility can sometimes be a potential complication. That being the case, I've been having thoughts lately. Due to the very strained/confusing relationship with my sensei, I have been considering giving up on romance for a while. I've always seemed to fail at relationships, whether it be because of myself or something else, I don't know, but lately I've just felt this foreboding as far as relationships go. And I even begun to think to myself after I noticed my physical irregularity that, if I am infertile, maybe it means that God doesn't want me to be in a romantic relationship. After all, being an infertile woman, would it be fair for me to marry a fertile man who could have children with someone else? Would I be robbing the world of a life, or even multiple lives by not remaining single?

But then a friend of mine pointed something out. There are many men in this world who either decisively do not want children or don't care either way. Also, if a man falls in love with me and sincerely wants to marry me, and I am in love with him, what right have I to refuse if he is aware of my possible infertility? Even if he does want kids, if he's so in love with me to be willing to sacrifice that desire in order to be with me, wouldn't it be more selfish of me to refuse? And adoption is always an available possibility. There are plenty of orphans in this world, and knowing from the start that I can't conceive would make it a much more desirable option, especially if my husband did want kids. And Genesis 2:18 says "'It is not good for the man to be alone.'" Surely God must mean woman as well.

I have always felt like God has had a fairly elaborately drawn out plan for my life (not to sound self-righteous. His plan in everyone's lives is elaborate.... Just seeing it from one's own perspective always makes it seem more s0.) And in a lot of cases, I didn't know what He wanted for me until it was right there in front of me (Lee, for example: I had hints in the background, but in the foreground, I had no idea where He wanted me to go to college.) And for someone for whom He created such an elaborate and (from my perspective) somewhat confusing plan, there must be someone very specific in mind to be my partner....the clay for whom I am a rib.....a very uniquely shaped rib that may only fit in one ribcage. And as Vivi pointed out, it may be best that I did find this out now while I am single, not even in a serious relationship, much less married. That website said that many women find out they have PCOS only after failed conception attempts. At least I don't have a husband to break this news to. At least we caught it fairly early before I could develop cancer, for example.

This is a very trying time for me, and some of the thoughts in my head are inexpressible through words right now, though I could write on this for hours. It's best not to dwell, and that's something I'm fairly well versed in, so perhaps it's time to leave it at this.

"Into Your hands, I commend my spirit." He's still good.

Cissy

"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you..."

I'm not really sure where to begin. Usually I try to have a slight emotional detachment from my post, but this one is coming directly from my heart.

Last night I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and I opened up to her about a lot of things. In my last post, I mentioned liking someone and using someone else as his kagemusha. I finally told that friend who it was. It was someone I consider my sensei.... not just a teacher, but a sensei. Those of you who are familiar with Japanese tradition know what I mean. A teacher is simply someone who teaches you skills to do something. A sensei is someone you can talk to. A close English translation is 'mentor', but there's something more fitting about sensei that I can't quite explain in translation. Anyway, I'd rather not say who this sensei is, but there was a sensei that very much moved me. I was able to talk to this friend honestly about that for the first time last night, and doing so caused a bit of healing within me. I was finally honest about my feelings and the whole situation.... both with her and with myself.

And for the first time, i was able to be angry with him! It's not a feeling I choose to dwell on, but I can honestly say that because he toyed with my emotions (whether intending to or not) he hurt me. He DID hurt me. And I've been running away from that. I always chose not to blame him, but I can honestly say it's OKAY to blame him for hurting me. Everyone hurts people who care about them. Whether intentional or unintentional, it's still inevitable. So I can admit that he hurt me and be angry with him and in turn forgive him. I think that's what I've been lacking in order to get over this!

Even still, I feel like it's time (at least for a short stent) to give up on romance. Unless sensei sees his folly and turns around to take me back (which there's a very, very slim chance of), it's time for me to, as I said last night, put my heart back in my chest where it belongs rather than letting it hang on my sleeve for anyone to snatch away. I think this is what God has been wanting for me for a long time now, but He knew He had to show me the hard way, and that being the case, I'm grateful that He didn't put me through anymore heartache than I had to go through.

It's funny though. In my own way, I still love sensei. (by love, I don't necessarily mean "in love" just that I love him.) It's unexplainable, and it's just sort of an emotion I can't describe using words.

But I've had a lot of health issues this year. I have another gynecologist appointment on Friday, and I'm a little worried. Things went how she expected them to for the most part, but I'm scared it might have only been a temporary fix for a potentially permanent problem. But that being the case, I still trust God to take care of me. In fact, a friend of mine said that she would be willing to provide a solution should I have the issues that I'm worried about.

I went with my parents and grandmother to Indiana this past weekend, and it's incredible how that helped clear my head. Being away really puts things into perspective. I think that's where I started thinking about this whole thing with my sensei.... knowing something had to change. While we were there, I was reading this book series called the Kiesha'ra (which I'm still working on.) It's sort of a sci-fi romanceish thing that definitely has nothing to do with Twilight (!) It kinda made me realize just how much of a "serpent" I really am.... and how many "avians" I've been drawn to in the past. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I don't terribly want to erase what I just wrote.

I suppose that's all I have to say. I hope this all ties better together than I feel I've done.

Cissy

An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

Discouragement

So as I lay here and struggle with what I still strongly believe is mononucleosis and fight exhaustion, soreness and a general level of weakness that goes beyond normal exhaustion and fatigue to a point of being something medically unreasonable, I also struggle with something that geos much deeper. My body is weak and weary right now, but so are my heart and mind. I don't know if it's because of my recent fatigue, or if it's all in my head, but I've been struggling with discouragement to the point of depression.

What do I need to be discouraged about? I'm going to the one school I've dreamt of going to for two years. I have quite possibly one of the best roommates I could have as far as compatibility, consideration and just in general. I don't have a great number of friends, but clearly the ones I have are ones I earned fair and square. I don't have much of a love life, but that's far from necessary for me to be happy. Yet despite all of these things, I still can say it's not entirely a chemical reaction in my brain causing me to be depressed either. I'm feeling discouraged. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I feel like even though the people here like me, and although I like the people here, I still somehow don't belong. My heart still cries out for something different and someone on a different kind of level to talk to. I thought I had found someone like that, but because I came on too strongly and presented myself as a total idiot to him, he now despises me and refuses to talk to me. He tied all the confusing thoughts in my head together and made them make sense, though. For one fleeting moment I realized what it meant to think clearly. Ironically, I don't even blame him for not wanting to talk to me. the way I always presented myself to him made me sound stupid, and I acted less like I wanted to be his friend than I did his fangirl. If someone had acted to me the way I acted to him, i would avoid them too. But now I think he still expects me to be a fangirl now that he refuses to talk to me, too. He will see quite quickly that I don't function like that. If he can't see me as a friend, I'm not going to go around doing him favors all the time.

But that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is, for only a tiny singular moment has something felt right here. Only for that brief glimmer did I see something that made me see again why I'm here. And I pushed it away. Since then, though I've searched desperately in other things for a place where I fit in, a niche if you will, I've been unable. I find my studies falling behind. I find myself wanting to give up. I even find myself wanting to drop out of this college. Why, you ask, would I want to drop out of the one place you've wanted to go to school? Why would you leave the home God led you to? Why, when you've always kept walking before, do you suddenly feel the desire to stop and fall down and give up/

The answer is this:

I don't deserve Lee University.

I feel like I probably ought to provide reasoning for this statement, but that's all I feel I can say. My heart is at a point of unrest, and I can't help but feel I don't belong here. It's too good here. This isn't some false humility of me wanting to come up with an ecuse cause i'm fed up. I honestly feel that way... I don't deserve this place. I live here, but it can't be my home. Because it's too good to be. Is this what God led me here to see? Because I feel so undeserving of the goodness and sincerity that I've found here. I have no idea what to do...

Cecelia

NaNo Progress: 6,896/40,000