An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

Contamination

DISCLAIMER: This post is extremely personal! If it would make you uncomfortable reading something personal about me due to the current dynamic of our relationship or feel like you're not ready to be sharing personal information with me yet, go ahead and feel free to save this entry for a later date when you feel you are ready to read it.

I had an epiphany last night, and I promised Sara I would elaborate.

In my self-introduction post, I mentioned having an eye problem that I don't like talking about. (Read it yourself if you want the details.) Lately, it's been a very sensitive area for me. I felt like people have been judging me based on it. I have felt like people feel this need to keep a distance from me because of it. I even have blamed my lack of ability to attain and retain a romantic relationship on the fact that I'm "blind". To put it simply, it's an effect I call contamination. Basically, people who don't know me who spend too much time around me are afraid they'll be "contaminated" by my simple presence. In other words, "If I spend too much time around the blind girl, I'll get it too." Or if not contamination, just this general defining nature. "Oh, that's the girl with eye problems." Over the past week or two, I have been really dwelling more heavily upon this. Perhaps because I hate telling people or even giving people inclinations about it, and a few times a slip of the tongue has caused me to nearly give myself away, and I'm also scared the person I nearly spilled it to thinks I'm a blithering idiot... when I have a very high opinion of that person, myself.

Last night at convocation, I was informed that mercy is not some "feel good" thing of "Oh, it's okay... I forgive you." Mercy is God's way of telling us that He doesn't agree with what we think we are. That He sees us as something different, and it's our job to accept that. At the altar call, I felt the Spirit moving me, and before I knew it I was walking up there. Long story short, as I approached the stairs to pray, I could feel God telling me "You're not a contamination. Everyone loves you. The only person who thinks you're a contamination is you!" And then I prayed, and I hugged the girl next to me, and she started praying for me. The music was so loud I could barely hear what she said, but I caught a few things she said: "....that she IS beautiful!" and "...that she won't believe those lies ever again!" and even though the liars still try to tell me these things, I now KNOW I'm not a contamination.

And I'm glad I waited till today to write this, cause today I've had so many encouraging things happen that have convinced me of these Truths!

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!

Cissy

Autohypnosis and thought provocation

So over the past few days, I've been toying with autohypnosis. The first time I did it, it was because I couldn't sleep and I couldn't make my brain shut off. So I looked up "self-hypnosis" on YouTube. Maybe I should back up a bit and explain what autohypnosis is and what it does. Before I do so, though, I'd like to make a disclaimer: I do not condone you attempting autohypnosis or autosuggestion unless you are 100% serious about it and 100% sure of what you're doing or know someone who is trained in the techniques of hypnosis who can advise you further.

Autohypnosis is literally, as I said, self-hypnosis; hypnotizing yourself. it is great for what is called autosuggestion. Putting thoughts into your head with yourself as the source. It takes time, but if you, say, want to improve your study habits, you can quicken the process through autosuggestion. All you are doing is completely relaxing your body and mind to the point where you are in a trance. It causes your mind to shut off so to speak where your thoughts and memories just kind of float along, but you don't really concentrate on them. They just continuously play like a movie. In that time, you may find yourself concentrating on some problem you're struggling with. Try to avoid this if you can, but if it continues to pop up, give it to your subconscious mind where your memories and experiences will help you to find the solution without creating painful emotions. To further this along, autosuggestion is when you say record yourself repeating some sentiment over and over that you may not necessarily hear, but will be instilled in your mind. This is also how brainwashing works, so be very very careful when instituting autohypnosis. Be absolutely sure you want to do what you're autosuggesting before you even consider it.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Yeah, but Cissy, how can I 'completely relax my mind' when I can't get it to shut off?" Well, there's several things you can do. It's true that there are people who can hypnotize themselves on their own, but most people have to have some help. The best way is to listen to specific frequencies set in sine waves. What the crap is that, you ask? Well, it's hard to explain. Basically it's a low hum that goes between being almost impossible to hear to a moderate volume. What it does is causes the chemicals in your brain to react to that. If you concentrate entirely on that frequency and relax entirely, you will go into a trance. This is where you'll find yourself really finding solutions to problems and listening to any suggestions that are presented to you, whether they be by your own autosuggesting method or by another person. Again, never have someone untrained in hypnotic suggestions try to suggest things to you. Sometimes you may get so "zoned out" that you don't realize what they are suggesting, and end up doing things you really regret, or even if it's someone you trust, they may use the wrong wording and cause something entirely different from what you really wanted! Which is why you should also be very careful when autosuggesting as well.

Anyway, I have really enjoyed the effects of this autohypnosis. I find myself being far more relaxed, rested when I get up in the mornings, confident, energetic and happy. Ask my roommate. I've been a little ray of sunshine the past two days. I find this very encouraging. I tend to be a very nervous, anxious person. I focus on my problems too much, and then when I'm not focusing on my problems, I'm focusing on what might go wrong. So this is a great relief to me. But I would like to share with you an amusing anecdote about what occurred while I was practicing some autohypnosis during my break between classes:

I was nearly asleep while I was in y hypnotic state, which is somewhat unusual. My thoughts were flowing pleasantly, and I felt myself coming out of this state, still somewhat sleepy for some reason, though beginning to feel reenergized. As I began to get up and prepare myself a small lunch before my New Testament class, I noticed that I had the strangest, uncontrollable craving for sherbet. I haven't had sherbet in years. Now I'm trying to figure out where I can get such an animal.

As for the other thing that is on my mind, I'm afraid I have to be more cryptic about this one: I find there is a person who provokes thought in me like only one other person has been able to. This "Other person" I'm referring to is my old Creative Writing teacher, Dr. Michael Hartman. Provoking thought in the way he did was something he got paid to do. The person I'm referring to who has this same capability is just a fellow student. So I find myself quite drawn to him. There are other circumstances which some people are precisely aware of and others are completely befuddled by this comment. If you wish to know, ask and I may or may not tell you. In any event, I find it quite intriguing that there is another individual who can make simple statements that make me think so clearly and awaken my inner writer and muse. I love the writer in me, and I love having my thoughts and ideas challenged in such a way, but it scares me a bit that there is someone I can talk to casually who can make me think so clearly. So I'm praying about it.

Today I'm comfortable and content. I'm not nervous or anxious in any way. So I'll wrap up with that thought.

Cecelia

A Little History and Some of my inner workings

So for now the question is who am I? I'm a Lee University student. I transferred from Motlow State Community College. I have my associate of science in "General Studies" which should be an English degree, but because of a stupid requirement added at the last minute, that's all she wrote. As for now, I am a Music Ed. major. I'm thinking of taking more English courses to attempt a double major of Creative Writing and MusEd. As for what I want to do, I have no idea yet. I want to, at some point, do some kind of ministry. I feel as though God is calling me to seminary, but that idea occasionally (including right now) scares the life out of me. I don't think I'm the greatest teacher in the world, but for some reason, I also feel called to teach. I'm not sure if I should teach privately or publicly. If I were to teach publicly, I would pursue a master's degree, because I struggle when handling large groups of small children. However, individual small children are not nearly so intimidating, hence why I would love to teach privately, and why I have taught privately for the past two years. Right now I have no one to teach, and if anyone here wanted the kind of lessons I offer, they could get that right here at the school. And so the procrastinating search for a job continues.

So your next question is probably "Why Lee University? Why a school no one has ever heard of; a place where none of your other friends are going? Why did you choose to go somewhere that holds so few friendly faces and even fewer frequent ones; somewhere you wouldn't even be able to pick your roommate; somewhere you had to start over from scratch and build your reputation all over again, where it would be even more difficult than at Motlow?" My answer is simple: God called me here. I think the first time I realized I needed to be at Lee (though I didn't know that at the time) was when I was twelve years old. I hadn't heard of Lee University, and I wouldn't hear about Lee until I was 17, but even still, when I was twelve I knew I belonged here. There was a song I heard called "Cleveland". I don't know why, but I knew I needed to go to Cleveland at some point in my life and live there. At the time, I thought I belonged in Cleveland, OH. I honestly had no idea what could possibly await me in Ohio, but I had my sights set on going to this mysterious Cleveland. Now we will jump to seventeen. I began my college career at seventeen. I graduated early, having been homeschooled. At the time, I thought I would do like every other Motlow student and go to Motlow for two years, graduate, go to MTSU and live a relatively boring life after that. However, God had other plans for me. In the fall, I was in chorus with a girl named Mary. We didn't really become friends until the Spring semester, when she told me she was going to Lee. I promptly forgot about it, but still had Cleveland in my mind. I had remembered her mentioning that it was in Cleveland. Somehow, it got brought up in a conversation with my grandmother that Mary is going to "some school in Cleveland" as I called it. She did the research for me. I was still convinced that I was going to MTSU. Strangely, immediately after she had told me about doing the research about Lee, I knew that was where I was going to school. I graduated from Motlow after spending three years there, while in the meantime I only applied to one four year school: Lee. It's been an uphill battle, but I know God is in it. I know God has led me here for a reason. These trials and struggles are present to keep me fighting; to keep me from becoming complacent, not because I don't belong here.

But beyond my college career, there is an entirely different side of me. I have one of the greatest passions for writing. I love it possibly as much as I love music. I can write short stories, and at one point I was working on a novel. I gave up on what I like to call "novel number one" because events in the tale were coming true in real life against all reason, and it bothered me so I stopped writing feeling that if the events f the novel played out as I had planned to write them, that i would feel responsible for the death of one of my friends. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I am well aware that my novel wasn't the cause of the events coming true, but it was too eerie for me to continue. Now I'm toying with the idea of "Novel number two" which I may begin writing in November for NaNoWriMo. So if you stumble upon any works written by "Cecelia Swick" you know that's me. It's just a pen name, but it has its uses.

As I've mentioned I am a MusEd major. I sing. I also play some piano and "fiddle" (along with the other violin family instruments. Except cello.) I've toyed with a great number of instruments, but those three are the ones I always come back to. There's something extremely relaxing about being able to sit at a piano and pound out a melody, whether it be because you're happy or because you're sad, that works on your soul. Singing is something I, unfortunately take for granted to a certain degree. If I were to lose my voice, that would be the end of my career as a music major. I don't have the same outward passion for singing that I do for piano, even though I'm a much better singer than I am a pianist.

Something I don't like to talk about is something that I let hold me back through most of my teenage years and childhood: my eyesight. If you've met me, you've probably noticed there is something different about the way I look at things, about the way I read, and about the way I function, physically, in general. I can't tell you "how well I see," except in relative terms. I can function to use a computer and to read my textbooks without any assistance such as a magnifier or text to speech software. I can see faces, but sometimes detailed facial structure escapes me, and reading from distances is next to impossible for me. I think this becomes most apparent when I use my phone. This is something I am kind of required to tell my teachers about, but I don't tell fellow students until I absolutely feel as though there's no excuse for hiding it anymore. If you ask me directly, I will tell you, but until then, it's my burden and mine alone. So feel privileged if you've stumbled upon this, because I'm about to give you the full details:

I was born with congenital cataracts, a genetic disorder inherited from both sides (meaning there's pretty much a 100% chance that my children will have them too.) for which I had two surgeries, one at one week, the other at two weeks old. I also have glaucoma which God has preserved my eyesight through for whatever reason, because I've had it since I was a baby, and my eyesight is still the same as it was, if not somewhat better. I rather despise talking about this subject though, because it's not a part of who I am. If I could rise above it completely and never tell anyone that I had visual problems except for my very very closest friends and family, I would. Unfortunately, this also inhibits my ability to be able to drive any motorized vehicle. In other words, I may never be able to drive for the rest of my life. This is why I refer to myself, often, as an "indefinite, involuntary pedestrian."

The most important factor in my life however, is God. He rules my being, my soul, my heart and my footsteps. Into His hands I commend my heart, body, mind and spirit. Which is something I really need to claim more strongly because I find my heart leaping from my own grasp into the hands of someone else, far more prematurely than it ought to. That is beside the point, though. Jesus has been my rock and salvation through the hardest of times, and if not for Him, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life by not coming to Lee.

That being said, I think you've gotten to know a great deal of both the objective side of "what I do" and some of the subjective side of "who I am". For now, I will leave it at that. Describing one's self is often an awkward process, so rather than talking about my likes and dislikes, I will allow you to figure them out through my writings, rantings, ravings, poems, prayers and promises.

Cecelia