Honesty

So I've been up all night, and that being the case, I may decide this is utter crap later and delete it, but for now I feel like it's important.

Ever since that conversation with the friend I mentioned a few days ago, a lot has changed in my mind. One thing that has really struck me is the importance of being honest and saying what I mean. In the past, if I wanted to keep an issue to myself, I did everything to skate around it or simply shy away from it altogether. Remaining cold when people reach out to you may keep you protected, but it will also leave you out in the cold when you need warmth yourself.

For now, I'm tired of keeping secrets. I was keeping the secret about my feelings for sensei quiet because I honestly felt I was protecting him and his job. I was scared that if I allowed things to develop that he'd get in trouble. But in hindsight, I honestly think a part of me was scared of letting him be close to me. He honestly reached out to me, and I just stood there staring at that outstretched hand like I didn't care. Why can I blame him for pulling his hand away when I turned my back on him? When I turned around, that hand had been offered to someone else who took it, and the only one at fault was me. However, all this time, I've only been thinking about my own feelings on the matter. It never once occurred to me that he might have been heartbroken by my apparent rejection. All I could think about was my own loss....not his happiness.

But there are so many other sides to this than just romance. By keeping this secret from my friend, I created a rift between us. By telling friends that I wasn't bothered by something that really did bother me, they may continue to do it and hurt/bother me more until I lash out at them and hurt them.

So I go back to that simple song:

"I would do anything if you'd be honest and say what you mean...."

Cissy ♥

"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you..."

I'm not really sure where to begin. Usually I try to have a slight emotional detachment from my post, but this one is coming directly from my heart.

Last night I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and I opened up to her about a lot of things. In my last post, I mentioned liking someone and using someone else as his kagemusha. I finally told that friend who it was. It was someone I consider my sensei.... not just a teacher, but a sensei. Those of you who are familiar with Japanese tradition know what I mean. A teacher is simply someone who teaches you skills to do something. A sensei is someone you can talk to. A close English translation is 'mentor', but there's something more fitting about sensei that I can't quite explain in translation. Anyway, I'd rather not say who this sensei is, but there was a sensei that very much moved me. I was able to talk to this friend honestly about that for the first time last night, and doing so caused a bit of healing within me. I was finally honest about my feelings and the whole situation.... both with her and with myself.

And for the first time, i was able to be angry with him! It's not a feeling I choose to dwell on, but I can honestly say that because he toyed with my emotions (whether intending to or not) he hurt me. He DID hurt me. And I've been running away from that. I always chose not to blame him, but I can honestly say it's OKAY to blame him for hurting me. Everyone hurts people who care about them. Whether intentional or unintentional, it's still inevitable. So I can admit that he hurt me and be angry with him and in turn forgive him. I think that's what I've been lacking in order to get over this!

Even still, I feel like it's time (at least for a short stent) to give up on romance. Unless sensei sees his folly and turns around to take me back (which there's a very, very slim chance of), it's time for me to, as I said last night, put my heart back in my chest where it belongs rather than letting it hang on my sleeve for anyone to snatch away. I think this is what God has been wanting for me for a long time now, but He knew He had to show me the hard way, and that being the case, I'm grateful that He didn't put me through anymore heartache than I had to go through.

It's funny though. In my own way, I still love sensei. (by love, I don't necessarily mean "in love" just that I love him.) It's unexplainable, and it's just sort of an emotion I can't describe using words.

But I've had a lot of health issues this year. I have another gynecologist appointment on Friday, and I'm a little worried. Things went how she expected them to for the most part, but I'm scared it might have only been a temporary fix for a potentially permanent problem. But that being the case, I still trust God to take care of me. In fact, a friend of mine said that she would be willing to provide a solution should I have the issues that I'm worried about.

I went with my parents and grandmother to Indiana this past weekend, and it's incredible how that helped clear my head. Being away really puts things into perspective. I think that's where I started thinking about this whole thing with my sensei.... knowing something had to change. While we were there, I was reading this book series called the Kiesha'ra (which I'm still working on.) It's sort of a sci-fi romanceish thing that definitely has nothing to do with Twilight (!) It kinda made me realize just how much of a "serpent" I really am.... and how many "avians" I've been drawn to in the past. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I don't terribly want to erase what I just wrote.

I suppose that's all I have to say. I hope this all ties better together than I feel I've done.

Cissy

An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

Sincerity

So barring the fact that I wrote this during a class, when I should have been taking notes, I am pretty pleased with how it came out. This is something I have been trying to put words to for a while now... It's not exactly the thing I was attempting to convey, but I was told once never to apologize for or explain anything I ever wrote.

So then... for your reading pleasure... a sonnet:

Sincerity:

Of Diamonds and rubies and all precious gems

Of fruit and honey and every delicacy

Of warmth and of comfort all filled to the brim

None of them compare to true sincerity

So often so many would offer their hand

But when I reached out to take it, they drew it away

Or if I could grasp it they would make some demand

As though my thankfulness was not enough to pay

So when I met you, I was scared to reach out

Even snapping at your outstretched, patient hand

But your resilience changed my defense to doubt

And my doubt bloomed to trust, completely unplanned

So now my fingers reach out hesitantly

To take your hand, accepting your sincerity

Cecelia Swick

Mountain Climbing and Morse Code (MC & MC!)

So tonight marks a special event. I'm about to go up to the "mountains", which is something I've never experienced. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this is, but it sounds like an exhilarating experience. It's been a while since I've hiked, and even longer since I've hiked at night, so I'm mildly nervous, but I'm not letting that hold me back. I'm also very tired, so that adds just that much more to my nervousness. Regardless, the moon is full and the stars are bright. Therefore, the mountains are calling us!

This just in: It is now revealed what girls do when they don't have dates during the weekends! They eat cake batter and listen to Superchick! What more could she want from life?! Maybe chocolate...

Anyway, onto my second topic of the evening: Morse code is absolutely fascinating. I'm not well versed in it yet, and I'm a little rusty, since I haven't practiced it in a few months. I need to start listening to the quote of the day again so I can work on my transcription. Morse is one of those things I feel like I might just need one day, and I feel like I should keep it strong in my mind. I wrote a short story about how Morse code saved the lives of a small group of college kids who were in Italy lol. It was based loosely on my own trip to Italy. Anyway yes. If you are well versed in Morse code and would like to tutor me and help me practice, you know how to contact me. Then again, no one reads this blog yet, so that may be unlikely at this point.

Cecelia Swick