"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you..."

I'm not really sure where to begin. Usually I try to have a slight emotional detachment from my post, but this one is coming directly from my heart.

Last night I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and I opened up to her about a lot of things. In my last post, I mentioned liking someone and using someone else as his kagemusha. I finally told that friend who it was. It was someone I consider my sensei.... not just a teacher, but a sensei. Those of you who are familiar with Japanese tradition know what I mean. A teacher is simply someone who teaches you skills to do something. A sensei is someone you can talk to. A close English translation is 'mentor', but there's something more fitting about sensei that I can't quite explain in translation. Anyway, I'd rather not say who this sensei is, but there was a sensei that very much moved me. I was able to talk to this friend honestly about that for the first time last night, and doing so caused a bit of healing within me. I was finally honest about my feelings and the whole situation.... both with her and with myself.

And for the first time, i was able to be angry with him! It's not a feeling I choose to dwell on, but I can honestly say that because he toyed with my emotions (whether intending to or not) he hurt me. He DID hurt me. And I've been running away from that. I always chose not to blame him, but I can honestly say it's OKAY to blame him for hurting me. Everyone hurts people who care about them. Whether intentional or unintentional, it's still inevitable. So I can admit that he hurt me and be angry with him and in turn forgive him. I think that's what I've been lacking in order to get over this!

Even still, I feel like it's time (at least for a short stent) to give up on romance. Unless sensei sees his folly and turns around to take me back (which there's a very, very slim chance of), it's time for me to, as I said last night, put my heart back in my chest where it belongs rather than letting it hang on my sleeve for anyone to snatch away. I think this is what God has been wanting for me for a long time now, but He knew He had to show me the hard way, and that being the case, I'm grateful that He didn't put me through anymore heartache than I had to go through.

It's funny though. In my own way, I still love sensei. (by love, I don't necessarily mean "in love" just that I love him.) It's unexplainable, and it's just sort of an emotion I can't describe using words.

But I've had a lot of health issues this year. I have another gynecologist appointment on Friday, and I'm a little worried. Things went how she expected them to for the most part, but I'm scared it might have only been a temporary fix for a potentially permanent problem. But that being the case, I still trust God to take care of me. In fact, a friend of mine said that she would be willing to provide a solution should I have the issues that I'm worried about.

I went with my parents and grandmother to Indiana this past weekend, and it's incredible how that helped clear my head. Being away really puts things into perspective. I think that's where I started thinking about this whole thing with my sensei.... knowing something had to change. While we were there, I was reading this book series called the Kiesha'ra (which I'm still working on.) It's sort of a sci-fi romanceish thing that definitely has nothing to do with Twilight (!) It kinda made me realize just how much of a "serpent" I really am.... and how many "avians" I've been drawn to in the past. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I don't terribly want to erase what I just wrote.

I suppose that's all I have to say. I hope this all ties better together than I feel I've done.

Cissy

An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

More live footage: Me & My dad singing!

So, I'm going to be completely honest. Besides the fact that I wanted to play some music with my dad, the primary reason for uploading these was for Vivi. She had so much appreciation for my last post, that I thought I'd give her more stuff to watch and think of me. Cause I miss singing with Vivi!!!

Cecelia Swick - Peace

Home: An untraditional post.

Cecelia