Last night I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and I opened up to her about a lot of things. In my last post, I mentioned liking someone and using someone else as his kagemusha. I finally told that friend who it was. It was someone I consider my sensei.... not just a teacher, but a sensei. Those of you who are familiar with Japanese tradition know what I mean. A teacher is simply someone who teaches you skills to do something. A sensei is someone you can talk to. A close English translation is 'mentor', but there's something more fitting about sensei that I can't quite explain in translation. Anyway, I'd rather not say who this sensei is, but there was a sensei that very much moved me. I was able to talk to this friend honestly about that for the first time last night, and doing so caused a bit of healing within me. I was finally honest about my feelings and the whole situation.... both with her and with myself.
And for the first time, i was able to be angry with him! It's not a feeling I choose to dwell on, but I can honestly say that because he toyed with my emotions (whether intending to or not) he hurt me. He DID hurt me. And I've been running away from that. I always chose not to blame him, but I can honestly say it's OKAY to blame him for hurting me. Everyone hurts people who care about them. Whether intentional or unintentional, it's still inevitable. So I can admit that he hurt me and be angry with him and in turn forgive him. I think that's what I've been lacking in order to get over this!
Even still, I feel like it's time (at least for a short stent) to give up on romance. Unless sensei sees his folly and turns around to take me back (which there's a very, very slim chance of), it's time for me to, as I said last night, put my heart back in my chest where it belongs rather than letting it hang on my sleeve for anyone to snatch away. I think this is what God has been wanting for me for a long time now, but He knew He had to show me the hard way, and that being the case, I'm grateful that He didn't put me through anymore heartache than I had to go through.
It's funny though. In my own way, I still love sensei. (by love, I don't necessarily mean "in love" just that I love him.) It's unexplainable, and it's just sort of an emotion I can't describe using words.
But I've had a lot of health issues this year. I have another gynecologist appointment on Friday, and I'm a little worried. Things went how she expected them to for the most part, but I'm scared it might have only been a temporary fix for a potentially permanent problem. But that being the case, I still trust God to take care of me. In fact, a friend of mine said that she would be willing to provide a solution should I have the issues that I'm worried about.
I went with my parents and grandmother to Indiana this past weekend, and it's incredible how that helped clear my head. Being away really puts things into perspective. I think that's where I started thinking about this whole thing with my sensei.... knowing something had to change. While we were there, I was reading this book series called the Kiesha'ra (which I'm still working on.) It's sort of a sci-fi romanceish thing that definitely has nothing to do with Twilight (!) It kinda made me realize just how much of a "serpent" I really am.... and how many "avians" I've been drawn to in the past. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I don't terribly want to erase what I just wrote.
I suppose that's all I have to say. I hope this all ties better together than I feel I've done.
Cissy
