A woman's love

For a very long time, I have struggled with the idea that I've needed a relationship, and it didn't much matter who that relationship was with. I thought I cared, but looking back, most of the guys I've had feelings for had inconsistent and different personalities, and generally the only reason I liked them was because I thought (sometimes delusionally, sometimes not) that they had feelings for me. I was so flattered and in love with the idea of being loved and being in a relationship that it sometimes got so bad that I would even develop small crushes and such on guys who were only being nice to me. I'd say the most exaggerated case of this would probably be Bobby Ray. Wolf actually DID like me at first, but due to the age difference and physical distance between us, he cut those feelings off immediately. Julian I'll never know about for sure. Everyone I know (excluding his family) thinks he liked me, so... :P Doesn't really matter anymore. Poor Isaac, I kind of sucked dry. He did like me, but I was so eager and desperate for my own bad ideas of a relationship that any feelings he had for me were soon run dry. But Bobby never liked me. He flirted a bit, but he never really liked me. Early on, when I barely knew him, I couldn't tell for sure, and he was slightly flirtatious toward me (but no more than he ever was any other girls.) We both handled it badly, and basically now we despise each other. Well, no, I don't despise him. I wouldn't want to hang out with him anymore, but for the most part I'm apathetic. Jeremy DID flirt with me, but according to Kacy, Jeremy's definition of flirting differs a great deal from the rest of the world's, and Susannah thought he liked me as well.... I'm not even going to mention the person I pseudo-liked at the beginning of my first semester at Lee. That was an idea put into my head, and a bad one at that.

Then there was "M". Say what you will, but I know what I saw. I'm almost certain he at least was flirting with me and attempting to establish some sort of relationship with me before his wife-to-be came along. I know what I experienced, and I'm sure it wasn't my imagination. I'm glad it didn't work out, but still. Again, the only reason I wanted anything to do with him was because I believed it was what he wanted.

But now, things are so frighteningly different.

There's a great quote from an Alan Rickman movie called Dark Harbor. (Don't watch it. It's pretty depressing. :P ) It goes like this:

"When I look at you, you don't remind me of myself exactly, but you remind me of a certain time. I remember what I used to think love was then. I thought it was like fireworks: the explosions, the highlights...but it's not. It's time to go through the seasons together, through change, through the ups and downs.... to be able to look your beloved in the eye and say 'We did that together - as one. We chose each other above all others.' That's love. It's unexplainable. It's a secret that can only be known once you've done the time."

I don't know that I necessarily agree with that statement exactly. Perhaps a requited, shared love, but love is even more than that, I've come to discover.

Love is compromise. It's letting go when he won't even talk to you anymore, and perhaps crying about it when you're alone, but when you see him, you smile and laugh and act like everything's perfect.

But even more than that, it's about priority. You want the lover, not the love he has to give you. If your relationship was based on time spent together, conversations, and basically everything that comes with a friendship, but with the title of a romantic relationship, that would be okay. You wish for thy physical affection, for the doting, for the words of adoration, for the "I love you"s and the "Let's be together forever"s, for hugs and kisses, and for thoughtful little gestures like presents and such. But more than that, you just want him. You want him nearby. And it's only him that you want.

No longer do you care that the extremely attractive and intelligent guy in your English class is giving you flirty eyes. In fact, it annoys you. You no longer swoon every time a guy you meet is particularly nice or sweet to you. When you're with your friends, and one of them says, "Wow, he's really hot," your response is, "Yeah, I can see why you'd say that," rather than "Omgosh you're right." It's not a matter of comparison. It's like they don't even exist in the same world as "he' does.

Time is no issue. You'll wait forever for him. Not because you're stubborn, but because the other guys don't suit your fancy. You simply don't see them anymore. If you can't have him, that's okay. It hurts a lot, but if you can't have him, you don't really want anyone else, and you won't bother pursuing anyone else.

But at the same time, if h wants someone else, you will let the torment fester inside of you, never showing it to him, knowing that his happiness is more important than your desires, even if you must be alone.

But you would still wait forever....