God really takes care of me.....

So.... I went to the gynecologist for my follow up today. I'll spare you all the details, but she told me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which you can read about at that website. Figure I'll save my male readers some potential embarrassment/TMI moments.

On that website (I forgot to ask the NP), it mentioned that infertility can sometimes be a potential complication. That being the case, I've been having thoughts lately. Due to the very strained/confusing relationship with my sensei, I have been considering giving up on romance for a while. I've always seemed to fail at relationships, whether it be because of myself or something else, I don't know, but lately I've just felt this foreboding as far as relationships go. And I even begun to think to myself after I noticed my physical irregularity that, if I am infertile, maybe it means that God doesn't want me to be in a romantic relationship. After all, being an infertile woman, would it be fair for me to marry a fertile man who could have children with someone else? Would I be robbing the world of a life, or even multiple lives by not remaining single?

But then a friend of mine pointed something out. There are many men in this world who either decisively do not want children or don't care either way. Also, if a man falls in love with me and sincerely wants to marry me, and I am in love with him, what right have I to refuse if he is aware of my possible infertility? Even if he does want kids, if he's so in love with me to be willing to sacrifice that desire in order to be with me, wouldn't it be more selfish of me to refuse? And adoption is always an available possibility. There are plenty of orphans in this world, and knowing from the start that I can't conceive would make it a much more desirable option, especially if my husband did want kids. And Genesis 2:18 says "'It is not good for the man to be alone.'" Surely God must mean woman as well.

I have always felt like God has had a fairly elaborately drawn out plan for my life (not to sound self-righteous. His plan in everyone's lives is elaborate.... Just seeing it from one's own perspective always makes it seem more s0.) And in a lot of cases, I didn't know what He wanted for me until it was right there in front of me (Lee, for example: I had hints in the background, but in the foreground, I had no idea where He wanted me to go to college.) And for someone for whom He created such an elaborate and (from my perspective) somewhat confusing plan, there must be someone very specific in mind to be my partner....the clay for whom I am a rib.....a very uniquely shaped rib that may only fit in one ribcage. And as Vivi pointed out, it may be best that I did find this out now while I am single, not even in a serious relationship, much less married. That website said that many women find out they have PCOS only after failed conception attempts. At least I don't have a husband to break this news to. At least we caught it fairly early before I could develop cancer, for example.

This is a very trying time for me, and some of the thoughts in my head are inexpressible through words right now, though I could write on this for hours. It's best not to dwell, and that's something I'm fairly well versed in, so perhaps it's time to leave it at this.

"Into Your hands, I commend my spirit." He's still good.

Cissy

An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

Discouragement

So as I lay here and struggle with what I still strongly believe is mononucleosis and fight exhaustion, soreness and a general level of weakness that goes beyond normal exhaustion and fatigue to a point of being something medically unreasonable, I also struggle with something that geos much deeper. My body is weak and weary right now, but so are my heart and mind. I don't know if it's because of my recent fatigue, or if it's all in my head, but I've been struggling with discouragement to the point of depression.

What do I need to be discouraged about? I'm going to the one school I've dreamt of going to for two years. I have quite possibly one of the best roommates I could have as far as compatibility, consideration and just in general. I don't have a great number of friends, but clearly the ones I have are ones I earned fair and square. I don't have much of a love life, but that's far from necessary for me to be happy. Yet despite all of these things, I still can say it's not entirely a chemical reaction in my brain causing me to be depressed either. I'm feeling discouraged. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I feel like even though the people here like me, and although I like the people here, I still somehow don't belong. My heart still cries out for something different and someone on a different kind of level to talk to. I thought I had found someone like that, but because I came on too strongly and presented myself as a total idiot to him, he now despises me and refuses to talk to me. He tied all the confusing thoughts in my head together and made them make sense, though. For one fleeting moment I realized what it meant to think clearly. Ironically, I don't even blame him for not wanting to talk to me. the way I always presented myself to him made me sound stupid, and I acted less like I wanted to be his friend than I did his fangirl. If someone had acted to me the way I acted to him, i would avoid them too. But now I think he still expects me to be a fangirl now that he refuses to talk to me, too. He will see quite quickly that I don't function like that. If he can't see me as a friend, I'm not going to go around doing him favors all the time.

But that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is, for only a tiny singular moment has something felt right here. Only for that brief glimmer did I see something that made me see again why I'm here. And I pushed it away. Since then, though I've searched desperately in other things for a place where I fit in, a niche if you will, I've been unable. I find my studies falling behind. I find myself wanting to give up. I even find myself wanting to drop out of this college. Why, you ask, would I want to drop out of the one place you've wanted to go to school? Why would you leave the home God led you to? Why, when you've always kept walking before, do you suddenly feel the desire to stop and fall down and give up/

The answer is this:

I don't deserve Lee University.

I feel like I probably ought to provide reasoning for this statement, but that's all I feel I can say. My heart is at a point of unrest, and I can't help but feel I don't belong here. It's too good here. This isn't some false humility of me wanting to come up with an ecuse cause i'm fed up. I honestly feel that way... I don't deserve this place. I live here, but it can't be my home. Because it's too good to be. Is this what God led me here to see? Because I feel so undeserving of the goodness and sincerity that I've found here. I have no idea what to do...

Cecelia

NaNo Progress: 6,896/40,000

Miscelaneous Content (MC theme again!)

So I've had several things on my mind lately. I wasn't sure which one to write about first, and while it would probably be really cool to wait and elaborate separately about each,I just don't have that kind of patience

Topic 1: Follow Up on Predestination post:

So after spending a great deal of time in prayer and after a short conversation with one Calvinist who I've known for a very long time, a somewhat longer conversation with another Calvinist whom I've known for a very short time and after several arguments and long conversations with "free will" thinkers, I have decided I agree with Calvinism. This took a lot of soul-searching and God-searching, and I'm still not 100% convinced. Call it my raising, call it Divine intervention telling me that Calvinism is a screwed up idea. Call me a hypocrite. Call me a Pharisee. Call me a fool. Call me a dumb Calvinist. But the more I think and pray and read, the more I find myself leaning in that direction. Thanks to everyone who talked to me about this, because regardless of whether you think you made an impact or not, you did. Some of you put up some very good arguments as to why Calvinism both could and couldn't work.

For me, one friend said that her reasoning is because her heart told her that it couldn't possibly be the case for God to sentence certain people to eternal suffering while he picked and chose those of us He wants to go to Heaven. While I completely respect that, and my intention is not to draw out a can of worms here, but if I were to listen to what my heart is telling me on one matter, I would have to listen to my heart according to several other matters. Right now, my mind is telling me that my heart is a wicked liar, and that there is no vessel more wicked within me than my heart, fragile though it may be. My mind tells me that Calvinism is correct, and while my heart wants to argue with that, I must remember, my heart is also telling me to let go of all inhibitions and give it to some boy I've known all of two months at best. My heart is telling me to quit school and go back home where I "belong". My heart is telling me to go ahead and dwell on my feelings rather than studiously seek out Truth. If my heart is right on this one, good for it. I'm glad, but it's so wrong in these other areas. Common sense tells me that it's probably wrong about this too.

Topic 2: Mobility Cane! (Another MC for you!)

So over the past few weeks I have struggled a great deal with being more open with my eyesight. Even after my epiphany at the end of convocation, someting inside of me has been holding back, not wanting to let people know, even though they really need to know about my sight impairment. I have always been used to people treating me differently as soon as they found out I am visually impaired. Even if they don't intend to, sometimes it still seems like they take pity upon me... and while that bothers me some, I'm getting over it. I'm letting God deal with my feelings there.

However, I've taken a HUGE step towards being unashamed of my handicap while still being independent of it. While Sara and I were walking to the local Mexican restaurant to get some dinner several nights ago, she grabbed her umbrella on the way out the door in case it should rain. It didn't rain, but the umbrella still was extremely useful in that I was able to use it as a mobility cane. While I couldn't use the white cane law and just randomly jump out into traffic, legally, it was still extremely useful for wandering around in the dark. After spending some time discussing it with Sara, I finally texted my dad, asking him about getting a REAL mobility cane. As useful as the umbrella wa, I knew that a cane was much lighter weight, much more wieldy, it didn't drag the ground as badly, and I also knew I needed a little O&M trainign before I actually used a cane without assistance.

When I went home for fall break, I got said O&M training. My dad also gave me a cane that he had been using, explaining that it would be easy enough for him to get another one, and he had some extras lying around the house in case there was an emergency and he needed it.

So last night, I got brave, and I tried out this new toy of mine.

This was quite possibly the most exciting thing I've ever done! For the first time in my life, I was able to walk in an unfamiliar place alone at night without having to stop and ask for assistance or call someone to come pick me up. I walked around the entirety of Lee University's campus almost without any difficulty. In fact, with cane in hand, I was more confident wandering the campus at night when I couldn't see than when I could see in broad daylight. I think this is because, since I do practically everything tactilely rather than visually anyway, for me to literally be able to understand what the campus "feels" like, meant I was able to get a stronger geographical feel for where I was. Using that with what little eyesight I did have, I'm sure I looked as confident as a sighted person to the untrained eye. (no pun intended.)

Sadly, it was, however, just as my dad had said. As liberating an experience as it was for me to be able to walk unassisted at night where I was unable to see and in an unfamiliar area to top it all off, there were still downsides. My orientation was perfectly fine. I was confident about my geographical location. Unfortunately though, I think it did have an effect on passersby. Most just either ignored me or watched me curiously, which didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was, occasionally I would pass someone who would simply stop and stare at me. It wasn't at all like the curious people who wondered what it was I was doing or the fascinated onlookers who had never seen anyone use a cane before. I only clearly remember encountering it twice, but both times it burned into my memory. There were people who stared judgmentally at me. It was almost as if to say "What is she doing on our campus?" or "Does she really need that cane, or is she just trying to draw attention to herself?" It burned to my very core whenever I felt it, and I hope this passes quickly. I also ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was walking. It was extremely awkward at first, because I had no clue who he was, and while my orientation was pretty good considering I did have my cane, I clearly had no idea who he was, and I wasn't totally sure where i was either. I felt embarrassed to be seen with my cane, but he passed it off as though it were no big deal. It's people like that who remind me that humanity is not all terrible. Thank you. You know who you are.

Topic 3: NaNoWriMo

So many of you who knew me (and who didn't know me) this time last year are aware that I participated in a little project called NaNoWriMo. I'm such a writer, and today I started working again on what I like to call "novel number two." So I think I will actually start my NaNo project a little earlier this year. As much as I would love to limit myself to one month, I am pretty sure that what with finals coming up, the stress of Thanksgiving, being a music major and so much more that I am not going to have time to write fifty thousand words for something theoretically unnecessary within a month. "Why don't you just limit yourself to twenty five thousand words then?" It's true that 25k would be a much more reachable, realistic goal considering my work load, and honestly, that was what I was originally planning, but I'm thinking that if I start right now I may be able to get as much as forty thousand words by the end of November. When I write, I do write about 2000 words a day, and I try to double my efforts on weekends. But as I said, what with Thanksgiving, school, exams, etc. I may not necessarily have time to write every day.

So I begin. At the end of every entry up until the end of November, I will post under my name, my NaNo word count for you all to keep up. If you comment and show enough interest in this novel of mine, I may even let you read it as soon as it's finished! So be good. Till then, peace!

Cecelia

Current NaNo progress: 2,449/40,000

Sincerity

So barring the fact that I wrote this during a class, when I should have been taking notes, I am pretty pleased with how it came out. This is something I have been trying to put words to for a while now... It's not exactly the thing I was attempting to convey, but I was told once never to apologize for or explain anything I ever wrote.

So then... for your reading pleasure... a sonnet:

Sincerity:

Of Diamonds and rubies and all precious gems

Of fruit and honey and every delicacy

Of warmth and of comfort all filled to the brim

None of them compare to true sincerity

So often so many would offer their hand

But when I reached out to take it, they drew it away

Or if I could grasp it they would make some demand

As though my thankfulness was not enough to pay

So when I met you, I was scared to reach out

Even snapping at your outstretched, patient hand

But your resilience changed my defense to doubt

And my doubt bloomed to trust, completely unplanned

So now my fingers reach out hesitantly

To take your hand, accepting your sincerity

Cecelia Swick

Introspection

Fact (according to Cissy): Ninety percent of people who say they will do something won't follow through. Most of them don't mean to let you down or fail you when you need them most. Humanity is just fickle. Hence why, if you do everything you say you will do and everything everyone asks you to do, you will rise above 90% of the competition.

I want to be a part of that ten percent. I want to literally do everything that is not morally wrong or self-detrimental that people need me to do. Even if it's mildly inconvenient, I want to do what people ask me to do. I want to do what I say I will do. If it's as simple as remembering to turn a light off when I'm done in a room or as difficult as walking halfway across town so that you don't have to walk alone. Or watch their child for a day so that they can just get some rest. I don't want to be unreliable. I want to be the solid foundation that holds people up.

The other day someone told me I was a self-contradiction a lot. They said I had so many sides to me that they couldn't even tell which one was the real me. When I responded that all of them are the real me, they told me that a lot of it contradicted itself. For me, most things are situational. Whether I'm the person who can laugh and joke about anything, talk objectively and intellectually about any subject or am hurting and struggling with feelings. Whether I am angry or happy, aloof or warm, quiet or loud, uninterested or passionate, even about the same subject, it is still me. Very seldom do I show any side of myself that is fake.

But if that person is reading this, I do want to say that after some introspection, I realized that the side of me you saw the day that you were so concerned when we had this conversation was a different person. I was trying too hard to get someone else's attention without jeopardizing giving myself away. I forget sometimes that people actually like me for me, so that the sides that I typically hide from others and the sides that I typically show from others kind of reversed themselves that day. My gravitation probably would have remained the same, but it probably would have manifested itself in a different manner. I'm just afraid of being too clingy and driving people away. And yet, that seems to be exactly what I'm doing anyway. Frankly, I hate the side of me that I showed that day probably more than anyone else ever could. Because I know exactly what it is.

My request is this: Pray that I may learn, not only how to determine and control outwardly what it is that I'm feeling, but that I may also learn how to relax and be less afraid to show whatever is the "real" me in cases such as these. My mind is unable to rest at ease right now, and ever since we had this discussion, it has plagued my thoughts, while I've tried to determine what my real issue is. Because most of the time, with me, what you see is what you get. How I show myself to be is how I generally am. Sure, sometimes I pretend to be happier than I am or more excited about something than I really am, but I don't manifest it any differently than I really would.

I don't know. I feel like I'm trying to understand something that goes much deeper than what within my range of comprehension. I need to stop thinking.

M. Cecelia Swick

Contamination

DISCLAIMER: This post is extremely personal! If it would make you uncomfortable reading something personal about me due to the current dynamic of our relationship or feel like you're not ready to be sharing personal information with me yet, go ahead and feel free to save this entry for a later date when you feel you are ready to read it.

I had an epiphany last night, and I promised Sara I would elaborate.

In my self-introduction post, I mentioned having an eye problem that I don't like talking about. (Read it yourself if you want the details.) Lately, it's been a very sensitive area for me. I felt like people have been judging me based on it. I have felt like people feel this need to keep a distance from me because of it. I even have blamed my lack of ability to attain and retain a romantic relationship on the fact that I'm "blind". To put it simply, it's an effect I call contamination. Basically, people who don't know me who spend too much time around me are afraid they'll be "contaminated" by my simple presence. In other words, "If I spend too much time around the blind girl, I'll get it too." Or if not contamination, just this general defining nature. "Oh, that's the girl with eye problems." Over the past week or two, I have been really dwelling more heavily upon this. Perhaps because I hate telling people or even giving people inclinations about it, and a few times a slip of the tongue has caused me to nearly give myself away, and I'm also scared the person I nearly spilled it to thinks I'm a blithering idiot... when I have a very high opinion of that person, myself.

Last night at convocation, I was informed that mercy is not some "feel good" thing of "Oh, it's okay... I forgive you." Mercy is God's way of telling us that He doesn't agree with what we think we are. That He sees us as something different, and it's our job to accept that. At the altar call, I felt the Spirit moving me, and before I knew it I was walking up there. Long story short, as I approached the stairs to pray, I could feel God telling me "You're not a contamination. Everyone loves you. The only person who thinks you're a contamination is you!" And then I prayed, and I hugged the girl next to me, and she started praying for me. The music was so loud I could barely hear what she said, but I caught a few things she said: "....that she IS beautiful!" and "...that she won't believe those lies ever again!" and even though the liars still try to tell me these things, I now KNOW I'm not a contamination.

And I'm glad I waited till today to write this, cause today I've had so many encouraging things happen that have convinced me of these Truths!

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!

Cissy

Predestination?

So I've been thinking a lot lately. I pray for more wisdom in God's word every day, and as I sleep, I sometimes just listen to my audio Bible because I know that sometimes God's word will get directly into my heart if I listen to it constantly. Well, a few weeks ago I was laying in bed awake, listening to my Bible. It's most unfortunate that I wasn't awake to listen to what book or chapter I was listening to, but I remember hearing something along the lines of (forgive my paraphrasing): For some God has created for righteousness, and others He has created for destruction.

I can't remember if it was Old or New Testament. I can't remember what book or chapter, and the reader doesn't say the verses. But I remember hearing it clearly. Only my own witness can prove this true, and men's hearts are wicked things and the tongue is a liar, so if you don't believe me or choose to disagree with me, don't let me condemn you. You choose to read what I write. I choose to write it.

But let me point out one thing: If anyone has ever been more opposed to the idea of predestination, let it have been me. Like Paul who persecuted and executed Christians, I don't think there could have been anyone who thought Calvinism was the most closed-minded, stupidest most pointless thing a "Christian" could believe. Even now, I struggle with trying to swallow such a difficult pill. If not for what I feel is the pure witness of God within my heart and the impossible coincidence that is me continuing to find references to predestination in both the old AND New Testaments, I would have ignored that encounter and thought of it as something intended differently than what a modern day Christian would look at.

Another reason this scripture speaks so loudly to me is that my church has gone through a great deal of struggle over the past few years. We have had legal issues with a "preacher" trying to literally steal our church from us. He nearly succeeded too, if not by the grace of God. That's a story for another time, however. This man had us all convinced that he was our brother in Christ. He preached for us, and he witnessed. He guided us Spiritually, and we really believed he was a righteous man. "Well what's so bad about him getting your church then?" He didn't want our church to lead it in the right direction. He wanted our church so he could sell it and keep the profit all for himself. After this man took us to court for our church, we found out he was a criminal. We knew he'd had some driving issues, a little "road rage" and had gotten a great number of tickets. We even knew he had been in jail, but we thought it was for a traffic violation of some sort. Come to find out, he was in jail for robbery. His father owned a Christian radio station, and he and his father had gone through a similar situation that our church was going through. Answer me this: Who would sue their own father? If anyone on this earth was "created for destruction" it was this man and his wife.

Romans 8:29-30 says: "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." (NIV)

I have checked over 15 translations of this verse on BibleGateway.com and over half of them use the word "predestine" or "predestinate". Other words commonly used are "fore-ordained", and "chose". It's times like this that I wish I could go directly to the original text and translate it myself.

The very first time I questioned the legitimacy of predestination was, ironically enough, in the middle of a Greek mythology class. Our teacher asked us, "I want you to answer these questions on a piece of paper. It's for you and you alone. Don't tell me the answers:

"1. Do you believe that there is one True God?

"2. If you believe there is a True God, do you believe that He is all powerful?

"3. Do you believe that He is willing to change His mind and accept someone into 'salvation' as they call it?

"4. If you do believe He can change His mind, does that mean that you believe you can change His mind? If so, does that mean that you are powerful enough to change God's mind? If so, doesn't that make us more powerful than God?"

Ever since then I've kind of struggled a little with predestination, but never so strongly as I am now, that I am literally suffering to know the answer.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this entry is. Perhaps it's a chance for me to seek out my own faith and belief. Perhaps it's my way of confirming what I'm trying to think I believe. Perhaps I'm strengthening my own faith. Perhaps I'm "getting it out of my system" so that it no longer haunts me. I don't know. All of those things sound plausible, knowing me.

Cecelia

Mountain Climbing Part II.

So the trip to the mountains was spectacular. The moon was so bright you could easily depict your shadow, and it made it difficult (for me anyway) to see the stars, but the sky up there was so clear. Which is so metaphorical for exactly what was going on in my head. My heart and mind were so clear. The roomies and I sat up there on our own for a while, and then my suite mate's good friend came up the mountain. The night air and the moonlight, and having his head above the fog (which was beautiful on the ground like a snowbank broken up by rivers and forests and peaks.) altered him. He became so spiritual and open about God and his faith. We ended up all praying for each other in just a general way, letting the Spirit guide our words, not asking for anything specific, just letting the Spirit work within each of us.

When I was being prayed for, I could sense so many things people were praying for hitting home that I didn't realize were things I needed to work on. Specifically, from the one person who knows me least. One of the many, many things that I can say that he asked for was that I may not hold back in loving, that I may let my heart go and remember how to love with no boundaries upon myself. Normally, this has never been the case, but lately I've been far more guarded with everyone, especially since I came to Lee. Now every time something goes wrong, I can't just run to my dad and hide in my room and forget the world. That fact scares me, so I've been giving less of myself away lately. On that note, I'd just like to scream something:

IT'S SO HARD TO LOVE!!!!!

So all this time I've been pondering how to let go of my inhibitions, though I've commended my heart to God. I continue to pray about it and think about it. As we were coming down the mountain, I had an epiphany. As we drove, I was watching the clouds below us, then as we continued down, I could see them on level and almost halfway above us. At one point, the fog was not so much on the road as it was beside us, and it was like a beautiful cloud next to us, and it reminded me of Both Sides Now by Hayley Westenra. As my mind worked around this, I realized something: I was used to seeing clouds above me. Similarly, I've always seen the negative side of romantic love. Just as I had seen both sides of clouds now, (from up and down) all in one night, and a side to the clouds I'd never seen, I was encouraged that maybe... just maybe, I might begin to see the more positive side of love, and really have some understanding of what romantic love is.

Some of you who know me may be worrying that I'm thinking of the things I've been pondering over attempting over the past week, but honestly,as much as I still am curious about that person and like him (yes. I'm admitting it. I do like what I know of him.) ...I don't want to say I feel led in an entirely different direction, but I'm feeling like instead of trying to set a time for me to act, that God will work it out. If the opportunity presents itself (and by presents itself, I mean so blatantly obvious that all I have to do is take one step to go through the door, whether I be initiating it or him.) that I will follow through, but till then, I believe Brooke was right. I should give myself the opportunity to be pursued rather than doing all the work myself. I'm so used to being the guy in a relationship, doing all the initiating and moving things along (by moving, I just mean as opposed to standing still. I don't mean rushing.) So I feel far more at peace than I have.

So the mountains. Something tells me many more secrets will be unraveled there.

Cissy. ♥

Mountain Climbing and Morse Code (MC & MC!)

So tonight marks a special event. I'm about to go up to the "mountains", which is something I've never experienced. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this is, but it sounds like an exhilarating experience. It's been a while since I've hiked, and even longer since I've hiked at night, so I'm mildly nervous, but I'm not letting that hold me back. I'm also very tired, so that adds just that much more to my nervousness. Regardless, the moon is full and the stars are bright. Therefore, the mountains are calling us!

This just in: It is now revealed what girls do when they don't have dates during the weekends! They eat cake batter and listen to Superchick! What more could she want from life?! Maybe chocolate...

Anyway, onto my second topic of the evening: Morse code is absolutely fascinating. I'm not well versed in it yet, and I'm a little rusty, since I haven't practiced it in a few months. I need to start listening to the quote of the day again so I can work on my transcription. Morse is one of those things I feel like I might just need one day, and I feel like I should keep it strong in my mind. I wrote a short story about how Morse code saved the lives of a small group of college kids who were in Italy lol. It was based loosely on my own trip to Italy. Anyway yes. If you are well versed in Morse code and would like to tutor me and help me practice, you know how to contact me. Then again, no one reads this blog yet, so that may be unlikely at this point.

Cecelia Swick

A Little History and Some of my inner workings

So for now the question is who am I? I'm a Lee University student. I transferred from Motlow State Community College. I have my associate of science in "General Studies" which should be an English degree, but because of a stupid requirement added at the last minute, that's all she wrote. As for now, I am a Music Ed. major. I'm thinking of taking more English courses to attempt a double major of Creative Writing and MusEd. As for what I want to do, I have no idea yet. I want to, at some point, do some kind of ministry. I feel as though God is calling me to seminary, but that idea occasionally (including right now) scares the life out of me. I don't think I'm the greatest teacher in the world, but for some reason, I also feel called to teach. I'm not sure if I should teach privately or publicly. If I were to teach publicly, I would pursue a master's degree, because I struggle when handling large groups of small children. However, individual small children are not nearly so intimidating, hence why I would love to teach privately, and why I have taught privately for the past two years. Right now I have no one to teach, and if anyone here wanted the kind of lessons I offer, they could get that right here at the school. And so the procrastinating search for a job continues.

So your next question is probably "Why Lee University? Why a school no one has ever heard of; a place where none of your other friends are going? Why did you choose to go somewhere that holds so few friendly faces and even fewer frequent ones; somewhere you wouldn't even be able to pick your roommate; somewhere you had to start over from scratch and build your reputation all over again, where it would be even more difficult than at Motlow?" My answer is simple: God called me here. I think the first time I realized I needed to be at Lee (though I didn't know that at the time) was when I was twelve years old. I hadn't heard of Lee University, and I wouldn't hear about Lee until I was 17, but even still, when I was twelve I knew I belonged here. There was a song I heard called "Cleveland". I don't know why, but I knew I needed to go to Cleveland at some point in my life and live there. At the time, I thought I belonged in Cleveland, OH. I honestly had no idea what could possibly await me in Ohio, but I had my sights set on going to this mysterious Cleveland. Now we will jump to seventeen. I began my college career at seventeen. I graduated early, having been homeschooled. At the time, I thought I would do like every other Motlow student and go to Motlow for two years, graduate, go to MTSU and live a relatively boring life after that. However, God had other plans for me. In the fall, I was in chorus with a girl named Mary. We didn't really become friends until the Spring semester, when she told me she was going to Lee. I promptly forgot about it, but still had Cleveland in my mind. I had remembered her mentioning that it was in Cleveland. Somehow, it got brought up in a conversation with my grandmother that Mary is going to "some school in Cleveland" as I called it. She did the research for me. I was still convinced that I was going to MTSU. Strangely, immediately after she had told me about doing the research about Lee, I knew that was where I was going to school. I graduated from Motlow after spending three years there, while in the meantime I only applied to one four year school: Lee. It's been an uphill battle, but I know God is in it. I know God has led me here for a reason. These trials and struggles are present to keep me fighting; to keep me from becoming complacent, not because I don't belong here.

But beyond my college career, there is an entirely different side of me. I have one of the greatest passions for writing. I love it possibly as much as I love music. I can write short stories, and at one point I was working on a novel. I gave up on what I like to call "novel number one" because events in the tale were coming true in real life against all reason, and it bothered me so I stopped writing feeling that if the events f the novel played out as I had planned to write them, that i would feel responsible for the death of one of my friends. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I am well aware that my novel wasn't the cause of the events coming true, but it was too eerie for me to continue. Now I'm toying with the idea of "Novel number two" which I may begin writing in November for NaNoWriMo. So if you stumble upon any works written by "Cecelia Swick" you know that's me. It's just a pen name, but it has its uses.

As I've mentioned I am a MusEd major. I sing. I also play some piano and "fiddle" (along with the other violin family instruments. Except cello.) I've toyed with a great number of instruments, but those three are the ones I always come back to. There's something extremely relaxing about being able to sit at a piano and pound out a melody, whether it be because you're happy or because you're sad, that works on your soul. Singing is something I, unfortunately take for granted to a certain degree. If I were to lose my voice, that would be the end of my career as a music major. I don't have the same outward passion for singing that I do for piano, even though I'm a much better singer than I am a pianist.

Something I don't like to talk about is something that I let hold me back through most of my teenage years and childhood: my eyesight. If you've met me, you've probably noticed there is something different about the way I look at things, about the way I read, and about the way I function, physically, in general. I can't tell you "how well I see," except in relative terms. I can function to use a computer and to read my textbooks without any assistance such as a magnifier or text to speech software. I can see faces, but sometimes detailed facial structure escapes me, and reading from distances is next to impossible for me. I think this becomes most apparent when I use my phone. This is something I am kind of required to tell my teachers about, but I don't tell fellow students until I absolutely feel as though there's no excuse for hiding it anymore. If you ask me directly, I will tell you, but until then, it's my burden and mine alone. So feel privileged if you've stumbled upon this, because I'm about to give you the full details:

I was born with congenital cataracts, a genetic disorder inherited from both sides (meaning there's pretty much a 100% chance that my children will have them too.) for which I had two surgeries, one at one week, the other at two weeks old. I also have glaucoma which God has preserved my eyesight through for whatever reason, because I've had it since I was a baby, and my eyesight is still the same as it was, if not somewhat better. I rather despise talking about this subject though, because it's not a part of who I am. If I could rise above it completely and never tell anyone that I had visual problems except for my very very closest friends and family, I would. Unfortunately, this also inhibits my ability to be able to drive any motorized vehicle. In other words, I may never be able to drive for the rest of my life. This is why I refer to myself, often, as an "indefinite, involuntary pedestrian."

The most important factor in my life however, is God. He rules my being, my soul, my heart and my footsteps. Into His hands I commend my heart, body, mind and spirit. Which is something I really need to claim more strongly because I find my heart leaping from my own grasp into the hands of someone else, far more prematurely than it ought to. That is beside the point, though. Jesus has been my rock and salvation through the hardest of times, and if not for Him, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life by not coming to Lee.

That being said, I think you've gotten to know a great deal of both the objective side of "what I do" and some of the subjective side of "who I am". For now, I will leave it at that. Describing one's self is often an awkward process, so rather than talking about my likes and dislikes, I will allow you to figure them out through my writings, rantings, ravings, poems, prayers and promises.

Cecelia