Now, when I hear that, it's a statement of the obvious to me. How many times have I found myself in a room full of people and felt like the only one there? How many times have I been in a crowded place, surrounded by friends, but still had no one to talk to? And here I sit in my empty bedroom. My roommate is out somewhere, and my suitemates haven't been around all evening. I'm writing in my blog, wanting to cry for various reasons, most of which you should be aware of if you've been keeping up, and some you wouldn't be aware of but are petty, simple reasons that, on their own would make no sense. But added on top of everything else feel like the end of the world. I tried calling my dad earlier, but his cell phone is dead or on a charger or something. I don't know, but I feel like talking to him would help even though there's nothing he can do from 140 miles away.
I miss David. (The Waffle House guy) He was always so good with me....so gentle, so friendly and sweet, and I just felt really comfortable and happy whenever he was around. I never forgot what was bothering me with him around, but he shone with a light that I could focus on that made things seem less dark than they were. His smile and the sparkle in his eye always made me feel like I could get through everything. I even like missing him. I really like him. Even if nothing ever comes of him and me, I just really like him. But he's not here either.
I find myself trying as hard as I can to reach out, but even when people grasp my groping fingers, it's like I draw myself away.... like even if they know everything like Sara and Andrea, they still can't understand everything. They don't feel what I'm feeling. And they can't pull me out of this frozen lake that I seem to have fallen into....this icy water that varies between numbing me and tormenting me. And I can't talk to my family about it. If they don't know yet, it's up to Anne to tell them.
There's a teacher I have this semester that I sense will eventually be important to me in a personal way, and I feel like that's a good thing. He has a very engaging personality in the classroom, and he seems to have taken a liking to me. And I feel like at some point, I might end up telling him about what I'm going through....maybe more than the general "thing" that I tell most of my friends. That she's sick and that she and I have a tough relationship. But I don't know how much he'd be able to help or do for me. But there's something different about him that I sense he might be able to reach a different level than everyone else has thus far. I feel like having a mentor that I could talk to about these things....not a counselor or a shrink, but just someone to guide me in a caring sort of non-parental, but also non-friendly way.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I just know it hurts, and in the human realm, I feel extremely alone. I can feel my Father keeping me safe under His wings, but I just wish there was someone in this realm....someone I could physically touch and hug and speak to who would say something beyond all the trite things I've been hearing these past few days. To know that people are praying for me is a blessing. Don't get me wrong. But I just wish there was something someone would be able to say that might make me be able to access and reach this pain and dive into it and then let it go.
I'm just tired of feeling so alone. And I know I haven't been relying on God as much as I need to. It's just hard even though it's the most important thing. And without Him, I can't function at all. He's kept me moving through this.....but I still feel so alone.
Cissy </3
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