Killing Time

I've got a lot I could and should be doing, but the day still has a few hours left, anyway. I'm done with my classes, but I'm not hungry, not ready to return to my apartment, and frankly I'm about all practiced out for the semester. Yes I have homework to finish, but it's at my apartment. Everyone gets like this at the end of the semester. I'm hoping the few days we have off for Thanksgiving will be enough of a break to motivate me to get through finals and my jury. I have to finish my final project for theory. I don't have the motivation to do that though. I barely understand the things he's taught us, and I'm struggling. I'm NOT a composer. I'm composing one piece, and it's for Sensei, because Sensei inadvertently is the one I blame/give credit for inspiring me.

I've got a lot I can talk about right now, but I don't need the world reading over my shoulder. I'm ina computer lab, so I don't knwo how much privacy I have. There's too muchy for me to think about right now. My head hurts. Oh I can explain that.

So I went to the doctor a little over a week ago, due to me hitting my head on my dresser, and for a couple weeks afterward I had these headaches that progressively got worse and worse. I also started to be unable to focus with my right eye, and I became really extremely light sensitive. I still am slightly.

So I went to the doctor after having basically broken down in my sight singing class.... I knew it was time to go home and see someone about my head. My headaches were making me extremely emotional, and I decided then was the time to see a doctor. The doctor said (after some examination) that I have some nerve damage in the first branch of my tre-something-or-other in my brain, and that I'd have to take this medicine. This medicine makes me extremely sleepy and out of it, but it at least helps me get my guard down, which is something I've been needing and intending to do for a while now. I just wish I wasn't so out of it. I'm scared this nerve damage might go deeper than the doctor initially thought though, because my motor skills seem to be suffering. That may just be exhaustion and burn-out, but I actually was practicing piano the other day, and I realized that I had totally forgotten the phrase to a piece I've been working on all semester. Yes, I hadn't played it in a day or two, but I have this piece memorized, or so I thought. I kept being unable to play that chord progression too as the piece went on. I'm a little scared about what may actually be wrong with me.

So I changed my major. Don't freak out once you read that. It wasn't that drastic a change. I just changed it from music education to simply "music". Which is different than being a performance major. Semantics, semantics. Semantical nonsense. I can't wait till this semester's over. I need Christmas break to sort out my brain, and see if there's anything wrong with it beyond the initial slight nerve damage the doctor suggested. He didn't do any actual tests, but he did do a few little things there in his office, like seeing how sensitive my head was, testing my motor skills, and he even described the kind of headaches I was having.

I am suffering mightily right now. Few know my real dilemma with sensei, adn even fewer know all the details. I don't really think anyone knows ALL the details, but I have a lot of hurt there. Seems he goes from being warm to being cold in a heartbeat. I think all is well between us, and then like a serpent he sneaks out of nowhere and strikes. It's in those moments, those moments where I think e're fine....when he's being warm, and then suddenly becomes harsh and serpentine that I am bothered by him. It makes me so upset and so angry....just seeing him makes me both angry and happy. I can forgive him in an instant, and he can slowly break down my barriers only to strike like a snake andtear another hole inside my heart. And I'm taking it out on other people somewhat. Not outwardly, but I feel strange resentment toward his sister sometimes when he gets that way, and I always feel uncomfortable being around his fiancee. I've tried my hardest to separate him from her in my mind, but I simply can't. I care a lot about her, and I fel she really adores me, but I can't let go of the fact that she is attached to him....and sometimes I feel like they're attached at the hip. IAnd I feel resentment toward her. It's a strange thing. I really like her, and I hate seeing her. I love her, but I can't stand being around her. I've prayed andprayed, but I can't seem to let go of my feelings for him. I'm hoping Christmas does me somethinggood. I could stand to let go of him.

Enough about that I suppose. I don't think you guys want to read about that. I suppose I should go practice now. I've nothing better to do.

Cisssy - Confused and lonely.

Promised UPdate

I'm really terrible at keeping up a blog. I think it's part of being a music major. You get into the semester out of nowhere, and suddenly you've got an abundance of things to do. Then you realize you've lot your entire social life, or just stopped doing something you normally do. And I don't really think this is how any of you keep up with me, but I hate to think that someone might stumble upon me and get the wrong impression since I randomly disappeared at a bad time.

Things with sensei are just as confusing as they were when I last wrote. Except now he's engaged, so that just complicates the situation that much more. I could say more on it, but I feel like most of you who actually know me have heard me rand about it plenty. I'm not so sure anyone actually reads this blog anymore anyway, but I feel like having some record of what's going on in my life, even if it's at slightly random junctures, is a good way for people to check up on me. Or if I should meet some umtimely death via car accident or something, you guys will have something to remember me by, and to perhaps understand me better through.

What I've really been struggling with is my belongingness here at Lee. I had a struggle like this around this time last year, and maybe it's just fear. I feel like all of my life, back in Tullahoma, I always had a difficult time fitting in. People hurt me or bullied me or ignored me. I tend(ed) to blame that on my visual impairment, but I don't think that's all of it. I believe I discussed something along these lines previously in this blog at one point, but I'm just recapitulating a bit. Here at Lee, people have become my friends. I have gotten close to people. People have let me in without later deciding I'm not worth their time. They treat me like a friend rather than someone to set aside...someone who needs a ride everywhere. I think people thought of me as someone who just wanted people to give her a ride somewhere, even though that's not what I was at all.

I don't know. I've begun to realize that being a musician, I have a different kind of personality. I'm always alone. As a writer, I have that too, but in a different way. Regardless, I'm always alone. Writing and performing/practicing are my ways of venting, actually. Because no one ever has understood me. You'd think as a writer I'd be more of a socialite. As a musician, I'd have more of a fanbase. But not really. I'm just a quiet person who keeps to herself. But here at Lee.....here at Lee there are people like me all around me. Not so many writers, but lots of musicians, and that is different. They all kind of understand me. They at least understand that half of who I am. These people here accept me. They love me, and they're not afraid of my strangeness. In fact, they welcome it with open arms. The stranger I am, the better in most of their eyes.

This makes me crazy.

I don't fit in. I'm not supposed to, and yet I do here. As I said before....I don't belong here because I DO belong. It's almost an emotional trauma being around people. Like right now, the reason I'm writing here is because I just want to hide from the world. I don't want to sit and socialize with the people around me. I'd rather be a wall flower, but if I don't make myself appear busy, I get far more attention than I want, and I just want to stay away from that. However, unfortunately, I have a class right here, so I have to be here. I can't just lock myself up in my apartment all the time.

I've got more to think about than I want right now. I have juries and finals coming up. I don't have time to think about my personal emotional problems. I have to do the academic things I have to worry about. I don't have time to think about everything else. I'm busy enough as it is. Come Christmas, I've gotta sort out the crap in my mind and rearrange it....

As for Anne.....I feel like I'm stuck here not knowing what's going on with her. We've reached a standstill, but I definitely don't feel the same resentment or dread when I think about her. But I am still not at peace with the situation at all.

I don't know. I'm very anxious today and just very fed up with everyone and everything around me. I'm kinda glad to be back in my apartment where things have a different kind of atmosphere. You know what I really need? Christmas break. I'm tired and sore and done fighting these losing battles against my heart and the romance that I want and will never have if I continue on this path.

I have much more to say, but I can't right now......I mean.... can't make the words come.

Cissy

So then

I'm still alive, I promise! But.... I think YOU want to donate to this great cause called me going to the wedding of one of my best friends. I cannot afford airfare to Oregon right now. So if you want to donate, please do so *in a Ray William Johnson-esque voice* BELOW.

So that aside.... well, I've had a lot on my mind. I may make another post about that later, though. Just not feeling motivated to write. Probably why I'mnot doing WriMo this time around. That and becasue I still have another novel from last year incomplete that needs revising, andI promised myself I wouldn't start a new novel till I finished this one.

Anyway, life is dramatic.

Cissy