God really takes care of me.....

So.... I went to the gynecologist for my follow up today. I'll spare you all the details, but she told me I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which you can read about at that website. Figure I'll save my male readers some potential embarrassment/TMI moments.

On that website (I forgot to ask the NP), it mentioned that infertility can sometimes be a potential complication. That being the case, I've been having thoughts lately. Due to the very strained/confusing relationship with my sensei, I have been considering giving up on romance for a while. I've always seemed to fail at relationships, whether it be because of myself or something else, I don't know, but lately I've just felt this foreboding as far as relationships go. And I even begun to think to myself after I noticed my physical irregularity that, if I am infertile, maybe it means that God doesn't want me to be in a romantic relationship. After all, being an infertile woman, would it be fair for me to marry a fertile man who could have children with someone else? Would I be robbing the world of a life, or even multiple lives by not remaining single?

But then a friend of mine pointed something out. There are many men in this world who either decisively do not want children or don't care either way. Also, if a man falls in love with me and sincerely wants to marry me, and I am in love with him, what right have I to refuse if he is aware of my possible infertility? Even if he does want kids, if he's so in love with me to be willing to sacrifice that desire in order to be with me, wouldn't it be more selfish of me to refuse? And adoption is always an available possibility. There are plenty of orphans in this world, and knowing from the start that I can't conceive would make it a much more desirable option, especially if my husband did want kids. And Genesis 2:18 says "'It is not good for the man to be alone.'" Surely God must mean woman as well.

I have always felt like God has had a fairly elaborately drawn out plan for my life (not to sound self-righteous. His plan in everyone's lives is elaborate.... Just seeing it from one's own perspective always makes it seem more s0.) And in a lot of cases, I didn't know what He wanted for me until it was right there in front of me (Lee, for example: I had hints in the background, but in the foreground, I had no idea where He wanted me to go to college.) And for someone for whom He created such an elaborate and (from my perspective) somewhat confusing plan, there must be someone very specific in mind to be my partner....the clay for whom I am a rib.....a very uniquely shaped rib that may only fit in one ribcage. And as Vivi pointed out, it may be best that I did find this out now while I am single, not even in a serious relationship, much less married. That website said that many women find out they have PCOS only after failed conception attempts. At least I don't have a husband to break this news to. At least we caught it fairly early before I could develop cancer, for example.

This is a very trying time for me, and some of the thoughts in my head are inexpressible through words right now, though I could write on this for hours. It's best not to dwell, and that's something I'm fairly well versed in, so perhaps it's time to leave it at this.

"Into Your hands, I commend my spirit." He's still good.

Cissy

Discouragement

So as I lay here and struggle with what I still strongly believe is mononucleosis and fight exhaustion, soreness and a general level of weakness that goes beyond normal exhaustion and fatigue to a point of being something medically unreasonable, I also struggle with something that geos much deeper. My body is weak and weary right now, but so are my heart and mind. I don't know if it's because of my recent fatigue, or if it's all in my head, but I've been struggling with discouragement to the point of depression.

What do I need to be discouraged about? I'm going to the one school I've dreamt of going to for two years. I have quite possibly one of the best roommates I could have as far as compatibility, consideration and just in general. I don't have a great number of friends, but clearly the ones I have are ones I earned fair and square. I don't have much of a love life, but that's far from necessary for me to be happy. Yet despite all of these things, I still can say it's not entirely a chemical reaction in my brain causing me to be depressed either. I'm feeling discouraged. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I feel like even though the people here like me, and although I like the people here, I still somehow don't belong. My heart still cries out for something different and someone on a different kind of level to talk to. I thought I had found someone like that, but because I came on too strongly and presented myself as a total idiot to him, he now despises me and refuses to talk to me. He tied all the confusing thoughts in my head together and made them make sense, though. For one fleeting moment I realized what it meant to think clearly. Ironically, I don't even blame him for not wanting to talk to me. the way I always presented myself to him made me sound stupid, and I acted less like I wanted to be his friend than I did his fangirl. If someone had acted to me the way I acted to him, i would avoid them too. But now I think he still expects me to be a fangirl now that he refuses to talk to me, too. He will see quite quickly that I don't function like that. If he can't see me as a friend, I'm not going to go around doing him favors all the time.

But that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is, for only a tiny singular moment has something felt right here. Only for that brief glimmer did I see something that made me see again why I'm here. And I pushed it away. Since then, though I've searched desperately in other things for a place where I fit in, a niche if you will, I've been unable. I find my studies falling behind. I find myself wanting to give up. I even find myself wanting to drop out of this college. Why, you ask, would I want to drop out of the one place you've wanted to go to school? Why would you leave the home God led you to? Why, when you've always kept walking before, do you suddenly feel the desire to stop and fall down and give up/

The answer is this:

I don't deserve Lee University.

I feel like I probably ought to provide reasoning for this statement, but that's all I feel I can say. My heart is at a point of unrest, and I can't help but feel I don't belong here. It's too good here. This isn't some false humility of me wanting to come up with an ecuse cause i'm fed up. I honestly feel that way... I don't deserve this place. I live here, but it can't be my home. Because it's too good to be. Is this what God led me here to see? Because I feel so undeserving of the goodness and sincerity that I've found here. I have no idea what to do...

Cecelia

NaNo Progress: 6,896/40,000