An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

Discouragement

So as I lay here and struggle with what I still strongly believe is mononucleosis and fight exhaustion, soreness and a general level of weakness that goes beyond normal exhaustion and fatigue to a point of being something medically unreasonable, I also struggle with something that geos much deeper. My body is weak and weary right now, but so are my heart and mind. I don't know if it's because of my recent fatigue, or if it's all in my head, but I've been struggling with discouragement to the point of depression.

What do I need to be discouraged about? I'm going to the one school I've dreamt of going to for two years. I have quite possibly one of the best roommates I could have as far as compatibility, consideration and just in general. I don't have a great number of friends, but clearly the ones I have are ones I earned fair and square. I don't have much of a love life, but that's far from necessary for me to be happy. Yet despite all of these things, I still can say it's not entirely a chemical reaction in my brain causing me to be depressed either. I'm feeling discouraged. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I feel like even though the people here like me, and although I like the people here, I still somehow don't belong. My heart still cries out for something different and someone on a different kind of level to talk to. I thought I had found someone like that, but because I came on too strongly and presented myself as a total idiot to him, he now despises me and refuses to talk to me. He tied all the confusing thoughts in my head together and made them make sense, though. For one fleeting moment I realized what it meant to think clearly. Ironically, I don't even blame him for not wanting to talk to me. the way I always presented myself to him made me sound stupid, and I acted less like I wanted to be his friend than I did his fangirl. If someone had acted to me the way I acted to him, i would avoid them too. But now I think he still expects me to be a fangirl now that he refuses to talk to me, too. He will see quite quickly that I don't function like that. If he can't see me as a friend, I'm not going to go around doing him favors all the time.

But that's not what I'm getting at. What I'm getting at is, for only a tiny singular moment has something felt right here. Only for that brief glimmer did I see something that made me see again why I'm here. And I pushed it away. Since then, though I've searched desperately in other things for a place where I fit in, a niche if you will, I've been unable. I find my studies falling behind. I find myself wanting to give up. I even find myself wanting to drop out of this college. Why, you ask, would I want to drop out of the one place you've wanted to go to school? Why would you leave the home God led you to? Why, when you've always kept walking before, do you suddenly feel the desire to stop and fall down and give up/

The answer is this:

I don't deserve Lee University.

I feel like I probably ought to provide reasoning for this statement, but that's all I feel I can say. My heart is at a point of unrest, and I can't help but feel I don't belong here. It's too good here. This isn't some false humility of me wanting to come up with an ecuse cause i'm fed up. I honestly feel that way... I don't deserve this place. I live here, but it can't be my home. Because it's too good to be. Is this what God led me here to see? Because I feel so undeserving of the goodness and sincerity that I've found here. I have no idea what to do...

Cecelia

NaNo Progress: 6,896/40,000

Miscelaneous Content (MC theme again!)

So I've had several things on my mind lately. I wasn't sure which one to write about first, and while it would probably be really cool to wait and elaborate separately about each,I just don't have that kind of patience

Topic 1: Follow Up on Predestination post:

So after spending a great deal of time in prayer and after a short conversation with one Calvinist who I've known for a very long time, a somewhat longer conversation with another Calvinist whom I've known for a very short time and after several arguments and long conversations with "free will" thinkers, I have decided I agree with Calvinism. This took a lot of soul-searching and God-searching, and I'm still not 100% convinced. Call it my raising, call it Divine intervention telling me that Calvinism is a screwed up idea. Call me a hypocrite. Call me a Pharisee. Call me a fool. Call me a dumb Calvinist. But the more I think and pray and read, the more I find myself leaning in that direction. Thanks to everyone who talked to me about this, because regardless of whether you think you made an impact or not, you did. Some of you put up some very good arguments as to why Calvinism both could and couldn't work.

For me, one friend said that her reasoning is because her heart told her that it couldn't possibly be the case for God to sentence certain people to eternal suffering while he picked and chose those of us He wants to go to Heaven. While I completely respect that, and my intention is not to draw out a can of worms here, but if I were to listen to what my heart is telling me on one matter, I would have to listen to my heart according to several other matters. Right now, my mind is telling me that my heart is a wicked liar, and that there is no vessel more wicked within me than my heart, fragile though it may be. My mind tells me that Calvinism is correct, and while my heart wants to argue with that, I must remember, my heart is also telling me to let go of all inhibitions and give it to some boy I've known all of two months at best. My heart is telling me to quit school and go back home where I "belong". My heart is telling me to go ahead and dwell on my feelings rather than studiously seek out Truth. If my heart is right on this one, good for it. I'm glad, but it's so wrong in these other areas. Common sense tells me that it's probably wrong about this too.

Topic 2: Mobility Cane! (Another MC for you!)

So over the past few weeks I have struggled a great deal with being more open with my eyesight. Even after my epiphany at the end of convocation, someting inside of me has been holding back, not wanting to let people know, even though they really need to know about my sight impairment. I have always been used to people treating me differently as soon as they found out I am visually impaired. Even if they don't intend to, sometimes it still seems like they take pity upon me... and while that bothers me some, I'm getting over it. I'm letting God deal with my feelings there.

However, I've taken a HUGE step towards being unashamed of my handicap while still being independent of it. While Sara and I were walking to the local Mexican restaurant to get some dinner several nights ago, she grabbed her umbrella on the way out the door in case it should rain. It didn't rain, but the umbrella still was extremely useful in that I was able to use it as a mobility cane. While I couldn't use the white cane law and just randomly jump out into traffic, legally, it was still extremely useful for wandering around in the dark. After spending some time discussing it with Sara, I finally texted my dad, asking him about getting a REAL mobility cane. As useful as the umbrella wa, I knew that a cane was much lighter weight, much more wieldy, it didn't drag the ground as badly, and I also knew I needed a little O&M trainign before I actually used a cane without assistance.

When I went home for fall break, I got said O&M training. My dad also gave me a cane that he had been using, explaining that it would be easy enough for him to get another one, and he had some extras lying around the house in case there was an emergency and he needed it.

So last night, I got brave, and I tried out this new toy of mine.

This was quite possibly the most exciting thing I've ever done! For the first time in my life, I was able to walk in an unfamiliar place alone at night without having to stop and ask for assistance or call someone to come pick me up. I walked around the entirety of Lee University's campus almost without any difficulty. In fact, with cane in hand, I was more confident wandering the campus at night when I couldn't see than when I could see in broad daylight. I think this is because, since I do practically everything tactilely rather than visually anyway, for me to literally be able to understand what the campus "feels" like, meant I was able to get a stronger geographical feel for where I was. Using that with what little eyesight I did have, I'm sure I looked as confident as a sighted person to the untrained eye. (no pun intended.)

Sadly, it was, however, just as my dad had said. As liberating an experience as it was for me to be able to walk unassisted at night where I was unable to see and in an unfamiliar area to top it all off, there were still downsides. My orientation was perfectly fine. I was confident about my geographical location. Unfortunately though, I think it did have an effect on passersby. Most just either ignored me or watched me curiously, which didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was, occasionally I would pass someone who would simply stop and stare at me. It wasn't at all like the curious people who wondered what it was I was doing or the fascinated onlookers who had never seen anyone use a cane before. I only clearly remember encountering it twice, but both times it burned into my memory. There were people who stared judgmentally at me. It was almost as if to say "What is she doing on our campus?" or "Does she really need that cane, or is she just trying to draw attention to herself?" It burned to my very core whenever I felt it, and I hope this passes quickly. I also ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was walking. It was extremely awkward at first, because I had no clue who he was, and while my orientation was pretty good considering I did have my cane, I clearly had no idea who he was, and I wasn't totally sure where i was either. I felt embarrassed to be seen with my cane, but he passed it off as though it were no big deal. It's people like that who remind me that humanity is not all terrible. Thank you. You know who you are.

Topic 3: NaNoWriMo

So many of you who knew me (and who didn't know me) this time last year are aware that I participated in a little project called NaNoWriMo. I'm such a writer, and today I started working again on what I like to call "novel number two." So I think I will actually start my NaNo project a little earlier this year. As much as I would love to limit myself to one month, I am pretty sure that what with finals coming up, the stress of Thanksgiving, being a music major and so much more that I am not going to have time to write fifty thousand words for something theoretically unnecessary within a month. "Why don't you just limit yourself to twenty five thousand words then?" It's true that 25k would be a much more reachable, realistic goal considering my work load, and honestly, that was what I was originally planning, but I'm thinking that if I start right now I may be able to get as much as forty thousand words by the end of November. When I write, I do write about 2000 words a day, and I try to double my efforts on weekends. But as I said, what with Thanksgiving, school, exams, etc. I may not necessarily have time to write every day.

So I begin. At the end of every entry up until the end of November, I will post under my name, my NaNo word count for you all to keep up. If you comment and show enough interest in this novel of mine, I may even let you read it as soon as it's finished! So be good. Till then, peace!

Cecelia

Current NaNo progress: 2,449/40,000

A Little History and Some of my inner workings

So for now the question is who am I? I'm a Lee University student. I transferred from Motlow State Community College. I have my associate of science in "General Studies" which should be an English degree, but because of a stupid requirement added at the last minute, that's all she wrote. As for now, I am a Music Ed. major. I'm thinking of taking more English courses to attempt a double major of Creative Writing and MusEd. As for what I want to do, I have no idea yet. I want to, at some point, do some kind of ministry. I feel as though God is calling me to seminary, but that idea occasionally (including right now) scares the life out of me. I don't think I'm the greatest teacher in the world, but for some reason, I also feel called to teach. I'm not sure if I should teach privately or publicly. If I were to teach publicly, I would pursue a master's degree, because I struggle when handling large groups of small children. However, individual small children are not nearly so intimidating, hence why I would love to teach privately, and why I have taught privately for the past two years. Right now I have no one to teach, and if anyone here wanted the kind of lessons I offer, they could get that right here at the school. And so the procrastinating search for a job continues.

So your next question is probably "Why Lee University? Why a school no one has ever heard of; a place where none of your other friends are going? Why did you choose to go somewhere that holds so few friendly faces and even fewer frequent ones; somewhere you wouldn't even be able to pick your roommate; somewhere you had to start over from scratch and build your reputation all over again, where it would be even more difficult than at Motlow?" My answer is simple: God called me here. I think the first time I realized I needed to be at Lee (though I didn't know that at the time) was when I was twelve years old. I hadn't heard of Lee University, and I wouldn't hear about Lee until I was 17, but even still, when I was twelve I knew I belonged here. There was a song I heard called "Cleveland". I don't know why, but I knew I needed to go to Cleveland at some point in my life and live there. At the time, I thought I belonged in Cleveland, OH. I honestly had no idea what could possibly await me in Ohio, but I had my sights set on going to this mysterious Cleveland. Now we will jump to seventeen. I began my college career at seventeen. I graduated early, having been homeschooled. At the time, I thought I would do like every other Motlow student and go to Motlow for two years, graduate, go to MTSU and live a relatively boring life after that. However, God had other plans for me. In the fall, I was in chorus with a girl named Mary. We didn't really become friends until the Spring semester, when she told me she was going to Lee. I promptly forgot about it, but still had Cleveland in my mind. I had remembered her mentioning that it was in Cleveland. Somehow, it got brought up in a conversation with my grandmother that Mary is going to "some school in Cleveland" as I called it. She did the research for me. I was still convinced that I was going to MTSU. Strangely, immediately after she had told me about doing the research about Lee, I knew that was where I was going to school. I graduated from Motlow after spending three years there, while in the meantime I only applied to one four year school: Lee. It's been an uphill battle, but I know God is in it. I know God has led me here for a reason. These trials and struggles are present to keep me fighting; to keep me from becoming complacent, not because I don't belong here.

But beyond my college career, there is an entirely different side of me. I have one of the greatest passions for writing. I love it possibly as much as I love music. I can write short stories, and at one point I was working on a novel. I gave up on what I like to call "novel number one" because events in the tale were coming true in real life against all reason, and it bothered me so I stopped writing feeling that if the events f the novel played out as I had planned to write them, that i would feel responsible for the death of one of my friends. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I am well aware that my novel wasn't the cause of the events coming true, but it was too eerie for me to continue. Now I'm toying with the idea of "Novel number two" which I may begin writing in November for NaNoWriMo. So if you stumble upon any works written by "Cecelia Swick" you know that's me. It's just a pen name, but it has its uses.

As I've mentioned I am a MusEd major. I sing. I also play some piano and "fiddle" (along with the other violin family instruments. Except cello.) I've toyed with a great number of instruments, but those three are the ones I always come back to. There's something extremely relaxing about being able to sit at a piano and pound out a melody, whether it be because you're happy or because you're sad, that works on your soul. Singing is something I, unfortunately take for granted to a certain degree. If I were to lose my voice, that would be the end of my career as a music major. I don't have the same outward passion for singing that I do for piano, even though I'm a much better singer than I am a pianist.

Something I don't like to talk about is something that I let hold me back through most of my teenage years and childhood: my eyesight. If you've met me, you've probably noticed there is something different about the way I look at things, about the way I read, and about the way I function, physically, in general. I can't tell you "how well I see," except in relative terms. I can function to use a computer and to read my textbooks without any assistance such as a magnifier or text to speech software. I can see faces, but sometimes detailed facial structure escapes me, and reading from distances is next to impossible for me. I think this becomes most apparent when I use my phone. This is something I am kind of required to tell my teachers about, but I don't tell fellow students until I absolutely feel as though there's no excuse for hiding it anymore. If you ask me directly, I will tell you, but until then, it's my burden and mine alone. So feel privileged if you've stumbled upon this, because I'm about to give you the full details:

I was born with congenital cataracts, a genetic disorder inherited from both sides (meaning there's pretty much a 100% chance that my children will have them too.) for which I had two surgeries, one at one week, the other at two weeks old. I also have glaucoma which God has preserved my eyesight through for whatever reason, because I've had it since I was a baby, and my eyesight is still the same as it was, if not somewhat better. I rather despise talking about this subject though, because it's not a part of who I am. If I could rise above it completely and never tell anyone that I had visual problems except for my very very closest friends and family, I would. Unfortunately, this also inhibits my ability to be able to drive any motorized vehicle. In other words, I may never be able to drive for the rest of my life. This is why I refer to myself, often, as an "indefinite, involuntary pedestrian."

The most important factor in my life however, is God. He rules my being, my soul, my heart and my footsteps. Into His hands I commend my heart, body, mind and spirit. Which is something I really need to claim more strongly because I find my heart leaping from my own grasp into the hands of someone else, far more prematurely than it ought to. That is beside the point, though. Jesus has been my rock and salvation through the hardest of times, and if not for Him, I would have made the biggest mistake in my life by not coming to Lee.

That being said, I think you've gotten to know a great deal of both the objective side of "what I do" and some of the subjective side of "who I am". For now, I will leave it at that. Describing one's self is often an awkward process, so rather than talking about my likes and dislikes, I will allow you to figure them out through my writings, rantings, ravings, poems, prayers and promises.

Cecelia