Ever since that conversation with the friend I mentioned a few days ago, a lot has changed in my mind. One thing that has really struck me is the importance of being honest and saying what I mean. In the past, if I wanted to keep an issue to myself, I did everything to skate around it or simply shy away from it altogether. Remaining cold when people reach out to you may keep you protected, but it will also leave you out in the cold when you need warmth yourself.
For now, I'm tired of keeping secrets. I was keeping the secret about my feelings for sensei quiet because I honestly felt I was protecting him and his job. I was scared that if I allowed things to develop that he'd get in trouble. But in hindsight, I honestly think a part of me was scared of letting him be close to me. He honestly reached out to me, and I just stood there staring at that outstretched hand like I didn't care. Why can I blame him for pulling his hand away when I turned my back on him? When I turned around, that hand had been offered to someone else who took it, and the only one at fault was me. However, all this time, I've only been thinking about my own feelings on the matter. It never once occurred to me that he might have been heartbroken by my apparent rejection. All I could think about was my own loss....not his happiness.
But there are so many other sides to this than just romance. By keeping this secret from my friend, I created a rift between us. By telling friends that I wasn't bothered by something that really did bother me, they may continue to do it and hurt/bother me more until I lash out at them and hurt them.
So I go back to that simple song:
"I would do anything if you'd be honest and say what you mean...."
Cissy ♥
That, as you know, has been a struggle for me. I've become much better at as time has gone on, but it's still sometimes hard.
ReplyDeleteI def have seen how you've gotten better at it as time has gone by! And I think you made some good points about how not being honest may have created barriers between you & others