Coping

I suppose this is sort of a follow up on my last post, and don't be surprised if the subject matter of my posts is pretty similar in the near future. I talked to Sara and my friend Andrea about the whole issue with....for now we'll call her Anne since calling her "that person" can get very confusing. Anyway, after speaking with them, and doing some praying and soul-searching, I realized there's a lot more to forgive than the one big issue. It's not just a matter of feeling guilty for what I feel like I "Put on her" by praying for this punishment. There are things to forgive both myself and her for that I've ignored and set aside for the past....well, adding up to nearly 21 years now. I realized that she's done a lot more to hurt me than the one incident three Christmases ago. Our whole lives are filled with the two of us hurting each other and never trying to amend it. There are so many ways in which I've hurt her, probably as much as she's hurt me, and in truth, in her own way, she's done her best to forgive me and make peace with me over it.

I've started writing her letters....for the past three days, I've written her letters. It's been therapeutic and personally enlightening. I've been rereading what I write, and I realized there's a lot more I want to say than I even dreamed. How much of a burden she's been in my home and for me and my parents, how much trouble she's caused. I want her to know that, yes, she did hurt me. I don't want to rub it in her face, and I want to admit that I want to turn from that and forget that, but I can't change the fact that I felt those feelings. I want to be totally frank with her, but I'm so scared of her getting upset. But honestly, no matter how it hurts me, I also want to know what a burden I've been on her as well. I find myself desiring lately to know people's honest opinions of me, even if they're negative and critical and even hurtful.... I find myself wanting to know how people really feel about me...in what ways I've hurt them, helped them, changed them.

Another thing I've discovered in writing these letters is just how much I've done to her. And I'm going through the process of letting go of the things I did to her and forgiving myself.....because if I can forgive myself, forgiving her will be easier. But don't think this is a cop-out. I blame myself and beat myself up for hurting people. It's not some feel-good thing of just letting go. The Holy Spirit is working with and in me more than anyone knows right now.

The hardest thing to do right now, more than anything else in the world, is to cry. Sometimes it's so easy, and I just let it out like it's nothing, but then there are the times when the walls come up, and no matter how I try to break them down, I can't make myself cry about anything. I spoke some to my friend Abbie about that earlier. The more people in my circle of friends that I talk to about it, the easier it is. I feel less alone, even though I still feel extremely alone right now. In fact, now more than ever do I feel like I've never been this isolated within my pain, so as Andrea told me, it's time to push myself out of this and go ahead and talk to people about "Anne" and not be afraid of it.

Speaking of communication, I saw Sensei yesterday. That was kind of good and kind of bad. On my part, I felt pretty unattached, like I could say hi and let him go on his way, but I felt a sense of reaching out on his part..... like he almost regretted his decision and still wanted to reach out to me as more than just a teacher, and maybe even as more than a friend which made all the emotions get stirred up, and that mixed with the whole "Anne" situation....actually gave me nightmares and a very mild panic attack last night. So I'm going to keep thinking of David and keep walking away, no matter how badly I want to look back....

Cissy </3