A Little Pain

Much is on my mind right now, but words cannot quite express.

I started a composition about a year ago. Sensei was that inspiration, and I finished it on the 18th. A week ago today. Yesterday, I gave him said composition with a very long note explaining, to the best of my ability while still being delicate concerning the subject, everything. My feelings are very clear now.... When he reads my note, I feel as though I'll not be seeing him again. Even if he's understanding about my feelings, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look him in the eye...and honestly, I hate being pitied.

But from what I've been told, it's a beautiful composition. (I kept a copy for myself of course, but I feel as though Sensei was its rightful owner due to his great deal of inspiration, both emotionally and theoretically/academically. Regardless, I actually made one friend of mine cry when I played it for her, and ever since, I've ben at this place emotionally that is very...honest. It's slightly painful, and I'm a little sad...but not as distraught as I typically am when I get downright depressed. I'm a little...drawing back into myself... picking back up the fragments of solitude I tend to hold close to my heart when I am in pain. But I'm not in the dark rut I was in over break.

Honestly, I'm glad Sensei knows everything now. I hate that I might not see him again, but I'd rather a person know what is going on in my head, even if it's difficult to say.

Cissy

Messages from God

So, I'm not going to talk about my personal life, Sensei, Blue-eyes, Anne....they can all wait for now.

The real thing I want to talk about right now is my relationship with God. Call it a testimony, if you will. You don't have to read it. But I'd recommend that you did.

So, it doesn't take someone with a Ph. D in psychology, a rocket scientist, or even someone who knows me really well to figure it out. It's obvious by simply reading this blog that romantic relationships are of a great deal of importance to me. I get attached to people, and to me a romantic relationship would be the epitome of being able to show that deep attachment I wish to share with someone. I think the desire has lessened a bit as I have developed more friends and realized that those friends can fill some of those gaps, but romance is still a pretty big deal to me. You also don't have to be too brilliant to figure out that I've also had a lot of bad luck in that area and have faced a great deal of struggle and heartache because of my tendency to get too attached too soon...or simply get attached to the wrong people, either one. I was praying about this issue, more that I would find some reprieve for the heartache than to actually find a relationship, but the latter was also a concern. Of course, this is in no way unusual for me. But as I was praying, I felt as though the Lord was telling me "You'll find him soon, My child." It was a very very comforting feeling. It was as though God was actually saying that after all this time of searching, just a couple of weeks even, might be my time.

But I feel like this pales in comparison to what has occurred over the past few days.

I mentioned that I'd been going through a depression. Well, shortly before the incident I mentioned before, I asked my dad to pray for me concerning my depression and trust issues, and he did (of course), and soon I began to feel a wave of peace surround me....the kind of peace that allows you to let go of the hurt, and I cried a bit, but the tears went away, and I felt better than I had after all the other crying I'd done. Similarly, last night I was feeling a bit anxious....not about anything in particular, but just anxious in general. I think there is actually a bit of Spiritual warfare going on right now in my life. The enemy is attacking my spirit, and I've really not been fighting back like I should Anyway, I digress. I was listening to this arrangement of the old hymn "Abide With Me." I was mouthing the words along with it (My suitemate was in the other room, and I had headphones in. Music major or not, I'm oddly self-conscious about people hearing me sing just to myself.) At the words "Help of the helpless, O abide with me." I felt as though.....the only way I can put it is, God walked up to me behind my chair like a parent would a child or someone would do for their spouse, and...wrapped a sort of spiritual blanket around me. It felt like "As long as you have this blanket around you and believe I am with you, no harm can come to you." I've still been slightly anxious but not nearly as much ever since that.

The other thing is...well, several things happened to me today. One....is an issue most readers of this blog are not aware of, but is a very old story to which another....episode popped up unexpectedly. I told a friend about it, and she said she was praying for me....not an unusual response for people around here, but somehow I really felt comforted in that fact. Also, there was an academic issue I was concerned about, and I felt like both of these issues were addressed directly to me during the convocation service this evening.

As I was worshipping, at one point, I felt like God was saying to me "I'll make sure you're ready for your UDAE," (Upper Division Admissions Exam....the academic thing I was talking about.) , and as I lifted my hands, I felt something real and tangible almost take my hands. Usually if I feel anything, it's just a Spiritual surrounding warmth, but this was almost....heavy as though it was pushing my hands back down, saying "There's a burden coming your way, but I want you to accept it. However, I will make sure the enemy can't touch you during this time." And then later on in the service as we were finishing the actual worship, I felt like God was saying the episode from this morning was partly a test and partly a reminder....to show me how much I'd grown since before and how much stronger I was now.

Basically, I've just had a lot of communication with the Holy Spirit here lately, and I know convocation week usually is huge, so I expect this isn't the end of this. Be praying for me and my family as we face what's ahead.

Cissy

Continued Complications

So as life continues on, another semester has come to greet me. My break was...eventfully uneventful. Christmas went reasonably well. I got a scooter and an iPad which I feel both will help me a great deal this semester...I'll have to wait till all the ice melts before I use the former. I don't trust myself, seeing as I'm not used to a scooter yet, added to my eyesight AND the ice. I should at least be in a familiar, reasonably safe environment before doing something potentially dangerous.

After Christmas though, I fell into quite the little depression. I felt a bit isolated and as though there was nothing to do, and due to that, I slept pretty much all the time....and thought. And as is the case with me in most cases, I became depressed. So when I wasn't sleeping, I was just laying there crying. Embarrassed as I am to admit it, I even had some suicidal thoughts...none that I would have acted upon, but it was more than just a passing thought within my head.

The following week, my grandparents came to our house, and brought along with them, to celebrate Christmas with us, Anne and her baby. The weekend went pretty well, and I did an okay job pulling myself out of my depression. Whenever I could stand to not isolate myself, I spent the majority of my time WITH Anne and the baby. Sunday night, my other aunt, uncle and baby cousin arrived at our house, and we did our Christmas festivities with them. The weekend had gone pretty well from my perspective. The next day, they were getting ready to go home, and due to a misconstrued tone, Anne mistook something I said as being rude and threw an enormous tantrum. She blew everything ridiculously out of proportion, and several things were said...things were brought up from the past, including the "incident" of three Christmases ago. A lot of hurtful things were said, and what really came out was that she hadn't forgiven me at all for the things that I had already tried my best to let go of. She had so many issues with me that she had to bring up, and I, in my depressed state, couldn't really handle any of it. And some of the things she said stick with me even now.... I keep telling myself that she doesn't know me...that she hasn't even seen me, and that she can't really know how I think or act or feel...or even what kinds of turns of phrase I use. I'm pretty sure the thing about her having cancer was just a lie, too.

What this says to me is that, all this time, these past years I've spent trying to mend the very very broken relationship we have....this time that I've been working to precariously build some trust and friendship between us.... the fact that I went to therapy FOR HER.... she's unwilling to see it. All she sees is herself and how this isn't her internet, video game world where all she has to do is put back on her keyboard mask and avatar personality and hit the reset button to fix things. She thinks that if people aren't willing to work with her exactly how she wants them to that she has been wronged in some way

And you know what bothers me the most? I think that if I had just left well enough alone that Monday and not asked her what I asked her or responded the way I did when she answered (which was in no way meant to be rude or mean or disrespectful) that maybe things would be different.... I keep blaming myself, and no matter how many times I tell myself that "that's just her. If that hadn't happened, she would have come up with SOMETHING to pitch a fit about," I just can't totally believe it. There's this voice inside of me that STILL blames myself for it. I think that's the most frustrating thing of all.

Because of this situation, not only did she destroy the trust I worked on building between the two of us, but I'm also struggling to have faith in humanity....in my friends, in the people I know love me. I'm in a very vulnerable place at this moment, and I feel like any time a friend of mine even so much as shows false signs of having the ability of taking advantage of me, I run away and hide. I become defensive and afraid, and I'm scared I'm gonna push my friends away due to that. And some of those friends that I'm afraid I'm pushing away are some of the ones I care about most. I know I'm being oversensitive, but I think I have that right at this point.

As you can imagine, it's very good to be out of dodge of that and back at school. I believe the situation with sensei has simmered down within my heart. I do still feel attracted to him, and if I'm not too careful, I might end up developing some feelings for him again, but at the moment, there's someone else I have feelings for more than that, which is equally conflicting for me personally, but outwardly wouldn't be nearly as complicated.

Classes have begun, and all is well right now. I'm almost out of my depression, even though I'm struggling greatly with trust issues right now. I feel like it's going to be a good semester

Cissy