Honesty

So I've been up all night, and that being the case, I may decide this is utter crap later and delete it, but for now I feel like it's important.

Ever since that conversation with the friend I mentioned a few days ago, a lot has changed in my mind. One thing that has really struck me is the importance of being honest and saying what I mean. In the past, if I wanted to keep an issue to myself, I did everything to skate around it or simply shy away from it altogether. Remaining cold when people reach out to you may keep you protected, but it will also leave you out in the cold when you need warmth yourself.

For now, I'm tired of keeping secrets. I was keeping the secret about my feelings for sensei quiet because I honestly felt I was protecting him and his job. I was scared that if I allowed things to develop that he'd get in trouble. But in hindsight, I honestly think a part of me was scared of letting him be close to me. He honestly reached out to me, and I just stood there staring at that outstretched hand like I didn't care. Why can I blame him for pulling his hand away when I turned my back on him? When I turned around, that hand had been offered to someone else who took it, and the only one at fault was me. However, all this time, I've only been thinking about my own feelings on the matter. It never once occurred to me that he might have been heartbroken by my apparent rejection. All I could think about was my own loss....not his happiness.

But there are so many other sides to this than just romance. By keeping this secret from my friend, I created a rift between us. By telling friends that I wasn't bothered by something that really did bother me, they may continue to do it and hurt/bother me more until I lash out at them and hurt them.

So I go back to that simple song:

"I would do anything if you'd be honest and say what you mean...."

Cissy ♥

"I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you..."

I'm not really sure where to begin. Usually I try to have a slight emotional detachment from my post, but this one is coming directly from my heart.

Last night I was talking to a dear friend of mine, and I opened up to her about a lot of things. In my last post, I mentioned liking someone and using someone else as his kagemusha. I finally told that friend who it was. It was someone I consider my sensei.... not just a teacher, but a sensei. Those of you who are familiar with Japanese tradition know what I mean. A teacher is simply someone who teaches you skills to do something. A sensei is someone you can talk to. A close English translation is 'mentor', but there's something more fitting about sensei that I can't quite explain in translation. Anyway, I'd rather not say who this sensei is, but there was a sensei that very much moved me. I was able to talk to this friend honestly about that for the first time last night, and doing so caused a bit of healing within me. I was finally honest about my feelings and the whole situation.... both with her and with myself.

And for the first time, i was able to be angry with him! It's not a feeling I choose to dwell on, but I can honestly say that because he toyed with my emotions (whether intending to or not) he hurt me. He DID hurt me. And I've been running away from that. I always chose not to blame him, but I can honestly say it's OKAY to blame him for hurting me. Everyone hurts people who care about them. Whether intentional or unintentional, it's still inevitable. So I can admit that he hurt me and be angry with him and in turn forgive him. I think that's what I've been lacking in order to get over this!

Even still, I feel like it's time (at least for a short stent) to give up on romance. Unless sensei sees his folly and turns around to take me back (which there's a very, very slim chance of), it's time for me to, as I said last night, put my heart back in my chest where it belongs rather than letting it hang on my sleeve for anyone to snatch away. I think this is what God has been wanting for me for a long time now, but He knew He had to show me the hard way, and that being the case, I'm grateful that He didn't put me through anymore heartache than I had to go through.

It's funny though. In my own way, I still love sensei. (by love, I don't necessarily mean "in love" just that I love him.) It's unexplainable, and it's just sort of an emotion I can't describe using words.

But I've had a lot of health issues this year. I have another gynecologist appointment on Friday, and I'm a little worried. Things went how she expected them to for the most part, but I'm scared it might have only been a temporary fix for a potentially permanent problem. But that being the case, I still trust God to take care of me. In fact, a friend of mine said that she would be willing to provide a solution should I have the issues that I'm worried about.

I went with my parents and grandmother to Indiana this past weekend, and it's incredible how that helped clear my head. Being away really puts things into perspective. I think that's where I started thinking about this whole thing with my sensei.... knowing something had to change. While we were there, I was reading this book series called the Kiesha'ra (which I'm still working on.) It's sort of a sci-fi romanceish thing that definitely has nothing to do with Twilight (!) It kinda made me realize just how much of a "serpent" I really am.... and how many "avians" I've been drawn to in the past. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I don't terribly want to erase what I just wrote.

I suppose that's all I have to say. I hope this all ties better together than I feel I've done.

Cissy

An Update!

So I realize that my last post was extremely depressing, and I do apologize for that. Especially since it's been some 10 months or so since I did last post. I'm still convinced that, at that time, I did have mono, and on top of that I was a bit malnourished. Thank you all for your support at that time and through these months that I've been struggling. A great number of you are unaware as to what happened to me after my most recent post. Early in November, I became very much attached to someone. For his sake, I won't say who, but I was very much under the impression that the attachment was mutual. I kept it very quiet from all but about two people. I wasn't proud of these feelings, especially at that point so early on, and I did many stupid things while in that person's presence. Over Christmas break, I became more comfortable with acknowledging my feelings, at least within myself, and accepting his should he still be interested. I used another person as his 'kagemusha' so to speak (Literally translates to Shadow warrior. Someone to take someone else's place publicly, while the real person remains a secret.) And many people are still quite unaware of who he is. Anyway, I digress. In January, when I returned, he'd found someone who wasn't as shy or reserved as I was about my feelings. It was for this reason that I fell into a very deep rut. Even now, I can honestly say that I don't think that was the only reason. I had other health issues going on at the time, and I had plenty of other reasons to be depressed, but I believe this was the "finishing blow" so to speak. As I've always said, "When I fall, I fall hard."

The point isn't entirely what threw me into the rut, as it is how I acted while I was there. I basically blocked everyone out. I thought people were conspiring against me who weren't. I thought my closest friends hated me. As for my rejection, I still had to see him almost daily, and interactions with him were desperate at best. But in it all, I was almost an empty shell. I spoke to few, and those few I did speak to, I was rarely completely honest with. I could fake a smile easily, but only one or two people knew exactly everything that was burdening me. And when it really came down to it, I realized no one was fooled by my thin veil of a facade. But one night, I just "woke up." And when I did, I just felt this resounding love everywhere from everyone, welcoming me back..... reminding me that the only people keeping me from waking up sooner were myself and Satan.

Yet, in all of that, I knew God was with me. He was the only light I could focus on, and I feel like, in hindsight, there must have been a lot more people praying for me than I realized then. A lot of people have loved me through this, and this is the first time I've felt so much resounding love from all everyone around me.

I believe I woke up in early April, so since then what've I been up to? Well, Dude as we will refer to him for now, is still on my mind, but not nearly as much as he had been before. Chances are after this year, I probably won't see him for a long time anyway.

I've actually been fairly sickly this year. I had some digestive and eye issues earlier in the beginning of the year, and now I'm having some gynecological issues now, which I'm pretty sure have been resolved, but no certainty in that either.

As for my emotional state, I feel very strong..... much stronger than I've ever been in my whole life. I have the support of my family and friends, and most importantly, I have a God to lean on when I don't think I can handle it, and He's been helping me keep my head on straight.

Well, that's about all I can think to write about for now, but until another time...

Cecelia

(Cissy)

OH! PS. I Finished my NaNo novel. In the process of revising it now!

Miscelaneous Content (MC theme again!)

So I've had several things on my mind lately. I wasn't sure which one to write about first, and while it would probably be really cool to wait and elaborate separately about each,I just don't have that kind of patience

Topic 1: Follow Up on Predestination post:

So after spending a great deal of time in prayer and after a short conversation with one Calvinist who I've known for a very long time, a somewhat longer conversation with another Calvinist whom I've known for a very short time and after several arguments and long conversations with "free will" thinkers, I have decided I agree with Calvinism. This took a lot of soul-searching and God-searching, and I'm still not 100% convinced. Call it my raising, call it Divine intervention telling me that Calvinism is a screwed up idea. Call me a hypocrite. Call me a Pharisee. Call me a fool. Call me a dumb Calvinist. But the more I think and pray and read, the more I find myself leaning in that direction. Thanks to everyone who talked to me about this, because regardless of whether you think you made an impact or not, you did. Some of you put up some very good arguments as to why Calvinism both could and couldn't work.

For me, one friend said that her reasoning is because her heart told her that it couldn't possibly be the case for God to sentence certain people to eternal suffering while he picked and chose those of us He wants to go to Heaven. While I completely respect that, and my intention is not to draw out a can of worms here, but if I were to listen to what my heart is telling me on one matter, I would have to listen to my heart according to several other matters. Right now, my mind is telling me that my heart is a wicked liar, and that there is no vessel more wicked within me than my heart, fragile though it may be. My mind tells me that Calvinism is correct, and while my heart wants to argue with that, I must remember, my heart is also telling me to let go of all inhibitions and give it to some boy I've known all of two months at best. My heart is telling me to quit school and go back home where I "belong". My heart is telling me to go ahead and dwell on my feelings rather than studiously seek out Truth. If my heart is right on this one, good for it. I'm glad, but it's so wrong in these other areas. Common sense tells me that it's probably wrong about this too.

Topic 2: Mobility Cane! (Another MC for you!)

So over the past few weeks I have struggled a great deal with being more open with my eyesight. Even after my epiphany at the end of convocation, someting inside of me has been holding back, not wanting to let people know, even though they really need to know about my sight impairment. I have always been used to people treating me differently as soon as they found out I am visually impaired. Even if they don't intend to, sometimes it still seems like they take pity upon me... and while that bothers me some, I'm getting over it. I'm letting God deal with my feelings there.

However, I've taken a HUGE step towards being unashamed of my handicap while still being independent of it. While Sara and I were walking to the local Mexican restaurant to get some dinner several nights ago, she grabbed her umbrella on the way out the door in case it should rain. It didn't rain, but the umbrella still was extremely useful in that I was able to use it as a mobility cane. While I couldn't use the white cane law and just randomly jump out into traffic, legally, it was still extremely useful for wandering around in the dark. After spending some time discussing it with Sara, I finally texted my dad, asking him about getting a REAL mobility cane. As useful as the umbrella wa, I knew that a cane was much lighter weight, much more wieldy, it didn't drag the ground as badly, and I also knew I needed a little O&M trainign before I actually used a cane without assistance.

When I went home for fall break, I got said O&M training. My dad also gave me a cane that he had been using, explaining that it would be easy enough for him to get another one, and he had some extras lying around the house in case there was an emergency and he needed it.

So last night, I got brave, and I tried out this new toy of mine.

This was quite possibly the most exciting thing I've ever done! For the first time in my life, I was able to walk in an unfamiliar place alone at night without having to stop and ask for assistance or call someone to come pick me up. I walked around the entirety of Lee University's campus almost without any difficulty. In fact, with cane in hand, I was more confident wandering the campus at night when I couldn't see than when I could see in broad daylight. I think this is because, since I do practically everything tactilely rather than visually anyway, for me to literally be able to understand what the campus "feels" like, meant I was able to get a stronger geographical feel for where I was. Using that with what little eyesight I did have, I'm sure I looked as confident as a sighted person to the untrained eye. (no pun intended.)

Sadly, it was, however, just as my dad had said. As liberating an experience as it was for me to be able to walk unassisted at night where I was unable to see and in an unfamiliar area to top it all off, there were still downsides. My orientation was perfectly fine. I was confident about my geographical location. Unfortunately though, I think it did have an effect on passersby. Most just either ignored me or watched me curiously, which didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was, occasionally I would pass someone who would simply stop and stare at me. It wasn't at all like the curious people who wondered what it was I was doing or the fascinated onlookers who had never seen anyone use a cane before. I only clearly remember encountering it twice, but both times it burned into my memory. There were people who stared judgmentally at me. It was almost as if to say "What is she doing on our campus?" or "Does she really need that cane, or is she just trying to draw attention to herself?" It burned to my very core whenever I felt it, and I hope this passes quickly. I also ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was walking. It was extremely awkward at first, because I had no clue who he was, and while my orientation was pretty good considering I did have my cane, I clearly had no idea who he was, and I wasn't totally sure where i was either. I felt embarrassed to be seen with my cane, but he passed it off as though it were no big deal. It's people like that who remind me that humanity is not all terrible. Thank you. You know who you are.

Topic 3: NaNoWriMo

So many of you who knew me (and who didn't know me) this time last year are aware that I participated in a little project called NaNoWriMo. I'm such a writer, and today I started working again on what I like to call "novel number two." So I think I will actually start my NaNo project a little earlier this year. As much as I would love to limit myself to one month, I am pretty sure that what with finals coming up, the stress of Thanksgiving, being a music major and so much more that I am not going to have time to write fifty thousand words for something theoretically unnecessary within a month. "Why don't you just limit yourself to twenty five thousand words then?" It's true that 25k would be a much more reachable, realistic goal considering my work load, and honestly, that was what I was originally planning, but I'm thinking that if I start right now I may be able to get as much as forty thousand words by the end of November. When I write, I do write about 2000 words a day, and I try to double my efforts on weekends. But as I said, what with Thanksgiving, school, exams, etc. I may not necessarily have time to write every day.

So I begin. At the end of every entry up until the end of November, I will post under my name, my NaNo word count for you all to keep up. If you comment and show enough interest in this novel of mine, I may even let you read it as soon as it's finished! So be good. Till then, peace!

Cecelia

Current NaNo progress: 2,449/40,000

More live footage: Me & My dad singing!

So, I'm going to be completely honest. Besides the fact that I wanted to play some music with my dad, the primary reason for uploading these was for Vivi. She had so much appreciation for my last post, that I thought I'd give her more stuff to watch and think of me. Cause I miss singing with Vivi!!!

Cecelia Swick - Peace

Introspection

Fact (according to Cissy): Ninety percent of people who say they will do something won't follow through. Most of them don't mean to let you down or fail you when you need them most. Humanity is just fickle. Hence why, if you do everything you say you will do and everything everyone asks you to do, you will rise above 90% of the competition.

I want to be a part of that ten percent. I want to literally do everything that is not morally wrong or self-detrimental that people need me to do. Even if it's mildly inconvenient, I want to do what people ask me to do. I want to do what I say I will do. If it's as simple as remembering to turn a light off when I'm done in a room or as difficult as walking halfway across town so that you don't have to walk alone. Or watch their child for a day so that they can just get some rest. I don't want to be unreliable. I want to be the solid foundation that holds people up.

The other day someone told me I was a self-contradiction a lot. They said I had so many sides to me that they couldn't even tell which one was the real me. When I responded that all of them are the real me, they told me that a lot of it contradicted itself. For me, most things are situational. Whether I'm the person who can laugh and joke about anything, talk objectively and intellectually about any subject or am hurting and struggling with feelings. Whether I am angry or happy, aloof or warm, quiet or loud, uninterested or passionate, even about the same subject, it is still me. Very seldom do I show any side of myself that is fake.

But if that person is reading this, I do want to say that after some introspection, I realized that the side of me you saw the day that you were so concerned when we had this conversation was a different person. I was trying too hard to get someone else's attention without jeopardizing giving myself away. I forget sometimes that people actually like me for me, so that the sides that I typically hide from others and the sides that I typically show from others kind of reversed themselves that day. My gravitation probably would have remained the same, but it probably would have manifested itself in a different manner. I'm just afraid of being too clingy and driving people away. And yet, that seems to be exactly what I'm doing anyway. Frankly, I hate the side of me that I showed that day probably more than anyone else ever could. Because I know exactly what it is.

My request is this: Pray that I may learn, not only how to determine and control outwardly what it is that I'm feeling, but that I may also learn how to relax and be less afraid to show whatever is the "real" me in cases such as these. My mind is unable to rest at ease right now, and ever since we had this discussion, it has plagued my thoughts, while I've tried to determine what my real issue is. Because most of the time, with me, what you see is what you get. How I show myself to be is how I generally am. Sure, sometimes I pretend to be happier than I am or more excited about something than I really am, but I don't manifest it any differently than I really would.

I don't know. I feel like I'm trying to understand something that goes much deeper than what within my range of comprehension. I need to stop thinking.

M. Cecelia Swick

Mountain Climbing Part II.

So the trip to the mountains was spectacular. The moon was so bright you could easily depict your shadow, and it made it difficult (for me anyway) to see the stars, but the sky up there was so clear. Which is so metaphorical for exactly what was going on in my head. My heart and mind were so clear. The roomies and I sat up there on our own for a while, and then my suite mate's good friend came up the mountain. The night air and the moonlight, and having his head above the fog (which was beautiful on the ground like a snowbank broken up by rivers and forests and peaks.) altered him. He became so spiritual and open about God and his faith. We ended up all praying for each other in just a general way, letting the Spirit guide our words, not asking for anything specific, just letting the Spirit work within each of us.

When I was being prayed for, I could sense so many things people were praying for hitting home that I didn't realize were things I needed to work on. Specifically, from the one person who knows me least. One of the many, many things that I can say that he asked for was that I may not hold back in loving, that I may let my heart go and remember how to love with no boundaries upon myself. Normally, this has never been the case, but lately I've been far more guarded with everyone, especially since I came to Lee. Now every time something goes wrong, I can't just run to my dad and hide in my room and forget the world. That fact scares me, so I've been giving less of myself away lately. On that note, I'd just like to scream something:

IT'S SO HARD TO LOVE!!!!!

So all this time I've been pondering how to let go of my inhibitions, though I've commended my heart to God. I continue to pray about it and think about it. As we were coming down the mountain, I had an epiphany. As we drove, I was watching the clouds below us, then as we continued down, I could see them on level and almost halfway above us. At one point, the fog was not so much on the road as it was beside us, and it was like a beautiful cloud next to us, and it reminded me of Both Sides Now by Hayley Westenra. As my mind worked around this, I realized something: I was used to seeing clouds above me. Similarly, I've always seen the negative side of romantic love. Just as I had seen both sides of clouds now, (from up and down) all in one night, and a side to the clouds I'd never seen, I was encouraged that maybe... just maybe, I might begin to see the more positive side of love, and really have some understanding of what romantic love is.

Some of you who know me may be worrying that I'm thinking of the things I've been pondering over attempting over the past week, but honestly,as much as I still am curious about that person and like him (yes. I'm admitting it. I do like what I know of him.) ...I don't want to say I feel led in an entirely different direction, but I'm feeling like instead of trying to set a time for me to act, that God will work it out. If the opportunity presents itself (and by presents itself, I mean so blatantly obvious that all I have to do is take one step to go through the door, whether I be initiating it or him.) that I will follow through, but till then, I believe Brooke was right. I should give myself the opportunity to be pursued rather than doing all the work myself. I'm so used to being the guy in a relationship, doing all the initiating and moving things along (by moving, I just mean as opposed to standing still. I don't mean rushing.) So I feel far more at peace than I have.

So the mountains. Something tells me many more secrets will be unraveled there.

Cissy. ♥