Honesty

So I've been up all night, and that being the case, I may decide this is utter crap later and delete it, but for now I feel like it's important.

Ever since that conversation with the friend I mentioned a few days ago, a lot has changed in my mind. One thing that has really struck me is the importance of being honest and saying what I mean. In the past, if I wanted to keep an issue to myself, I did everything to skate around it or simply shy away from it altogether. Remaining cold when people reach out to you may keep you protected, but it will also leave you out in the cold when you need warmth yourself.

For now, I'm tired of keeping secrets. I was keeping the secret about my feelings for sensei quiet because I honestly felt I was protecting him and his job. I was scared that if I allowed things to develop that he'd get in trouble. But in hindsight, I honestly think a part of me was scared of letting him be close to me. He honestly reached out to me, and I just stood there staring at that outstretched hand like I didn't care. Why can I blame him for pulling his hand away when I turned my back on him? When I turned around, that hand had been offered to someone else who took it, and the only one at fault was me. However, all this time, I've only been thinking about my own feelings on the matter. It never once occurred to me that he might have been heartbroken by my apparent rejection. All I could think about was my own loss....not his happiness.

But there are so many other sides to this than just romance. By keeping this secret from my friend, I created a rift between us. By telling friends that I wasn't bothered by something that really did bother me, they may continue to do it and hurt/bother me more until I lash out at them and hurt them.

So I go back to that simple song:

"I would do anything if you'd be honest and say what you mean...."

Cissy ♥

Contamination

DISCLAIMER: This post is extremely personal! If it would make you uncomfortable reading something personal about me due to the current dynamic of our relationship or feel like you're not ready to be sharing personal information with me yet, go ahead and feel free to save this entry for a later date when you feel you are ready to read it.

I had an epiphany last night, and I promised Sara I would elaborate.

In my self-introduction post, I mentioned having an eye problem that I don't like talking about. (Read it yourself if you want the details.) Lately, it's been a very sensitive area for me. I felt like people have been judging me based on it. I have felt like people feel this need to keep a distance from me because of it. I even have blamed my lack of ability to attain and retain a romantic relationship on the fact that I'm "blind". To put it simply, it's an effect I call contamination. Basically, people who don't know me who spend too much time around me are afraid they'll be "contaminated" by my simple presence. In other words, "If I spend too much time around the blind girl, I'll get it too." Or if not contamination, just this general defining nature. "Oh, that's the girl with eye problems." Over the past week or two, I have been really dwelling more heavily upon this. Perhaps because I hate telling people or even giving people inclinations about it, and a few times a slip of the tongue has caused me to nearly give myself away, and I'm also scared the person I nearly spilled it to thinks I'm a blithering idiot... when I have a very high opinion of that person, myself.

Last night at convocation, I was informed that mercy is not some "feel good" thing of "Oh, it's okay... I forgive you." Mercy is God's way of telling us that He doesn't agree with what we think we are. That He sees us as something different, and it's our job to accept that. At the altar call, I felt the Spirit moving me, and before I knew it I was walking up there. Long story short, as I approached the stairs to pray, I could feel God telling me "You're not a contamination. Everyone loves you. The only person who thinks you're a contamination is you!" And then I prayed, and I hugged the girl next to me, and she started praying for me. The music was so loud I could barely hear what she said, but I caught a few things she said: "....that she IS beautiful!" and "...that she won't believe those lies ever again!" and even though the liars still try to tell me these things, I now KNOW I'm not a contamination.

And I'm glad I waited till today to write this, cause today I've had so many encouraging things happen that have convinced me of these Truths!

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!

Cissy

Mountain Climbing Part II.

So the trip to the mountains was spectacular. The moon was so bright you could easily depict your shadow, and it made it difficult (for me anyway) to see the stars, but the sky up there was so clear. Which is so metaphorical for exactly what was going on in my head. My heart and mind were so clear. The roomies and I sat up there on our own for a while, and then my suite mate's good friend came up the mountain. The night air and the moonlight, and having his head above the fog (which was beautiful on the ground like a snowbank broken up by rivers and forests and peaks.) altered him. He became so spiritual and open about God and his faith. We ended up all praying for each other in just a general way, letting the Spirit guide our words, not asking for anything specific, just letting the Spirit work within each of us.

When I was being prayed for, I could sense so many things people were praying for hitting home that I didn't realize were things I needed to work on. Specifically, from the one person who knows me least. One of the many, many things that I can say that he asked for was that I may not hold back in loving, that I may let my heart go and remember how to love with no boundaries upon myself. Normally, this has never been the case, but lately I've been far more guarded with everyone, especially since I came to Lee. Now every time something goes wrong, I can't just run to my dad and hide in my room and forget the world. That fact scares me, so I've been giving less of myself away lately. On that note, I'd just like to scream something:

IT'S SO HARD TO LOVE!!!!!

So all this time I've been pondering how to let go of my inhibitions, though I've commended my heart to God. I continue to pray about it and think about it. As we were coming down the mountain, I had an epiphany. As we drove, I was watching the clouds below us, then as we continued down, I could see them on level and almost halfway above us. At one point, the fog was not so much on the road as it was beside us, and it was like a beautiful cloud next to us, and it reminded me of Both Sides Now by Hayley Westenra. As my mind worked around this, I realized something: I was used to seeing clouds above me. Similarly, I've always seen the negative side of romantic love. Just as I had seen both sides of clouds now, (from up and down) all in one night, and a side to the clouds I'd never seen, I was encouraged that maybe... just maybe, I might begin to see the more positive side of love, and really have some understanding of what romantic love is.

Some of you who know me may be worrying that I'm thinking of the things I've been pondering over attempting over the past week, but honestly,as much as I still am curious about that person and like him (yes. I'm admitting it. I do like what I know of him.) ...I don't want to say I feel led in an entirely different direction, but I'm feeling like instead of trying to set a time for me to act, that God will work it out. If the opportunity presents itself (and by presents itself, I mean so blatantly obvious that all I have to do is take one step to go through the door, whether I be initiating it or him.) that I will follow through, but till then, I believe Brooke was right. I should give myself the opportunity to be pursued rather than doing all the work myself. I'm so used to being the guy in a relationship, doing all the initiating and moving things along (by moving, I just mean as opposed to standing still. I don't mean rushing.) So I feel far more at peace than I have.

So the mountains. Something tells me many more secrets will be unraveled there.

Cissy. ♥