On that website (I forgot to ask the NP), it mentioned that infertility can sometimes be a potential complication. That being the case, I've been having thoughts lately. Due to the very strained/confusing relationship with my sensei, I have been considering giving up on romance for a while. I've always seemed to fail at relationships, whether it be because of myself or something else, I don't know, but lately I've just felt this foreboding as far as relationships go. And I even begun to think to myself after I noticed my physical irregularity that, if I am infertile, maybe it means that God doesn't want me to be in a romantic relationship. After all, being an infertile woman, would it be fair for me to marry a fertile man who could have children with someone else? Would I be robbing the world of a life, or even multiple lives by not remaining single?
But then a friend of mine pointed something out. There are many men in this world who either decisively do not want children or don't care either way. Also, if a man falls in love with me and sincerely wants to marry me, and I am in love with him, what right have I to refuse if he is aware of my possible infertility? Even if he does want kids, if he's so in love with me to be willing to sacrifice that desire in order to be with me, wouldn't it be more selfish of me to refuse? And adoption is always an available possibility. There are plenty of orphans in this world, and knowing from the start that I can't conceive would make it a much more desirable option, especially if my husband did want kids. And Genesis 2:18 says "'It is not good for the man to be alone.'" Surely God must mean woman as well.
I have always felt like God has had a fairly elaborately drawn out plan for my life (not to sound self-righteous. His plan in everyone's lives is elaborate.... Just seeing it from one's own perspective always makes it seem more s0.) And in a lot of cases, I didn't know what He wanted for me until it was right there in front of me (Lee, for example: I had hints in the background, but in the foreground, I had no idea where He wanted me to go to college.) And for someone for whom He created such an elaborate and (from my perspective) somewhat confusing plan, there must be someone very specific in mind to be my partner....the clay for whom I am a rib.....a very uniquely shaped rib that may only fit in one ribcage. And as Vivi pointed out, it may be best that I did find this out now while I am single, not even in a serious relationship, much less married. That website said that many women find out they have PCOS only after failed conception attempts. At least I don't have a husband to break this news to. At least we caught it fairly early before I could develop cancer, for example.
This is a very trying time for me, and some of the thoughts in my head are inexpressible through words right now, though I could write on this for hours. It's best not to dwell, and that's something I'm fairly well versed in, so perhaps it's time to leave it at this.
"Into Your hands, I commend my spirit." He's still good.
Cissy
