Home: An untraditional post.

Cecelia

Introspection

Fact (according to Cissy): Ninety percent of people who say they will do something won't follow through. Most of them don't mean to let you down or fail you when you need them most. Humanity is just fickle. Hence why, if you do everything you say you will do and everything everyone asks you to do, you will rise above 90% of the competition.

I want to be a part of that ten percent. I want to literally do everything that is not morally wrong or self-detrimental that people need me to do. Even if it's mildly inconvenient, I want to do what people ask me to do. I want to do what I say I will do. If it's as simple as remembering to turn a light off when I'm done in a room or as difficult as walking halfway across town so that you don't have to walk alone. Or watch their child for a day so that they can just get some rest. I don't want to be unreliable. I want to be the solid foundation that holds people up.

The other day someone told me I was a self-contradiction a lot. They said I had so many sides to me that they couldn't even tell which one was the real me. When I responded that all of them are the real me, they told me that a lot of it contradicted itself. For me, most things are situational. Whether I'm the person who can laugh and joke about anything, talk objectively and intellectually about any subject or am hurting and struggling with feelings. Whether I am angry or happy, aloof or warm, quiet or loud, uninterested or passionate, even about the same subject, it is still me. Very seldom do I show any side of myself that is fake.

But if that person is reading this, I do want to say that after some introspection, I realized that the side of me you saw the day that you were so concerned when we had this conversation was a different person. I was trying too hard to get someone else's attention without jeopardizing giving myself away. I forget sometimes that people actually like me for me, so that the sides that I typically hide from others and the sides that I typically show from others kind of reversed themselves that day. My gravitation probably would have remained the same, but it probably would have manifested itself in a different manner. I'm just afraid of being too clingy and driving people away. And yet, that seems to be exactly what I'm doing anyway. Frankly, I hate the side of me that I showed that day probably more than anyone else ever could. Because I know exactly what it is.

My request is this: Pray that I may learn, not only how to determine and control outwardly what it is that I'm feeling, but that I may also learn how to relax and be less afraid to show whatever is the "real" me in cases such as these. My mind is unable to rest at ease right now, and ever since we had this discussion, it has plagued my thoughts, while I've tried to determine what my real issue is. Because most of the time, with me, what you see is what you get. How I show myself to be is how I generally am. Sure, sometimes I pretend to be happier than I am or more excited about something than I really am, but I don't manifest it any differently than I really would.

I don't know. I feel like I'm trying to understand something that goes much deeper than what within my range of comprehension. I need to stop thinking.

M. Cecelia Swick

Irony

So today's topic is irony. Don't you just love how society has altered its definition so that it's a synonym for coincidence? Okay, so you're talking about your favorite song with me, and then it comes on the radio. Your immediate response is "Wow, that's so ironic!" My response is to restrain myself from raving on and on about how society nowadays misuses the word. Above I posted a link to the definition, but in case you were too lazy to click on it, here it is:

Main Entry: iro·ny

Pronunciation: \ˈī-rə-nē also ˈī(-ə)r-nē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural iro·nies

Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirōnia, from eirōn dissembler

Date: 1502

1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

synonyms see wit

Can I now make it any clearer that irony =/= coincidence. If anything, irony might be more easily confused with sarcasm.

Irony would be me trying to come up with an example to explain it, and then using a coincidence instead. Irony is how my dad and I joke about how "Ironic" it is that we both have pet peeves about people using irony to mean coincidence.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this is. Perhaps because I currently have friends who love to use/overuse/misuse this word.

And that aside, have you ever had a song that you heard and thought "Wow, that's so me right now!"? Well, basically all of MAE's music has done that to me lately. Particularly "The Sun and The Moon." (this is one song. The first link is lyrics. Second link is a video with the song.) To be more specific, the first stanza really applies to me right now. "The words seem to flow, and the thoughts they keep running..." I can't possibly express how incredible that is to me!

Anyway, I feel like this entry is becoming a bit unproductive. As for my last entry, I still find myself struggling with what I want to believe as Truth. But I seek Truth, not convenience. Whatever that may be.

Celia

Autohypnosis and thought provocation

So over the past few days, I've been toying with autohypnosis. The first time I did it, it was because I couldn't sleep and I couldn't make my brain shut off. So I looked up "self-hypnosis" on YouTube. Maybe I should back up a bit and explain what autohypnosis is and what it does. Before I do so, though, I'd like to make a disclaimer: I do not condone you attempting autohypnosis or autosuggestion unless you are 100% serious about it and 100% sure of what you're doing or know someone who is trained in the techniques of hypnosis who can advise you further.

Autohypnosis is literally, as I said, self-hypnosis; hypnotizing yourself. it is great for what is called autosuggestion. Putting thoughts into your head with yourself as the source. It takes time, but if you, say, want to improve your study habits, you can quicken the process through autosuggestion. All you are doing is completely relaxing your body and mind to the point where you are in a trance. It causes your mind to shut off so to speak where your thoughts and memories just kind of float along, but you don't really concentrate on them. They just continuously play like a movie. In that time, you may find yourself concentrating on some problem you're struggling with. Try to avoid this if you can, but if it continues to pop up, give it to your subconscious mind where your memories and experiences will help you to find the solution without creating painful emotions. To further this along, autosuggestion is when you say record yourself repeating some sentiment over and over that you may not necessarily hear, but will be instilled in your mind. This is also how brainwashing works, so be very very careful when instituting autohypnosis. Be absolutely sure you want to do what you're autosuggesting before you even consider it.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Yeah, but Cissy, how can I 'completely relax my mind' when I can't get it to shut off?" Well, there's several things you can do. It's true that there are people who can hypnotize themselves on their own, but most people have to have some help. The best way is to listen to specific frequencies set in sine waves. What the crap is that, you ask? Well, it's hard to explain. Basically it's a low hum that goes between being almost impossible to hear to a moderate volume. What it does is causes the chemicals in your brain to react to that. If you concentrate entirely on that frequency and relax entirely, you will go into a trance. This is where you'll find yourself really finding solutions to problems and listening to any suggestions that are presented to you, whether they be by your own autosuggesting method or by another person. Again, never have someone untrained in hypnotic suggestions try to suggest things to you. Sometimes you may get so "zoned out" that you don't realize what they are suggesting, and end up doing things you really regret, or even if it's someone you trust, they may use the wrong wording and cause something entirely different from what you really wanted! Which is why you should also be very careful when autosuggesting as well.

Anyway, I have really enjoyed the effects of this autohypnosis. I find myself being far more relaxed, rested when I get up in the mornings, confident, energetic and happy. Ask my roommate. I've been a little ray of sunshine the past two days. I find this very encouraging. I tend to be a very nervous, anxious person. I focus on my problems too much, and then when I'm not focusing on my problems, I'm focusing on what might go wrong. So this is a great relief to me. But I would like to share with you an amusing anecdote about what occurred while I was practicing some autohypnosis during my break between classes:

I was nearly asleep while I was in y hypnotic state, which is somewhat unusual. My thoughts were flowing pleasantly, and I felt myself coming out of this state, still somewhat sleepy for some reason, though beginning to feel reenergized. As I began to get up and prepare myself a small lunch before my New Testament class, I noticed that I had the strangest, uncontrollable craving for sherbet. I haven't had sherbet in years. Now I'm trying to figure out where I can get such an animal.

As for the other thing that is on my mind, I'm afraid I have to be more cryptic about this one: I find there is a person who provokes thought in me like only one other person has been able to. This "Other person" I'm referring to is my old Creative Writing teacher, Dr. Michael Hartman. Provoking thought in the way he did was something he got paid to do. The person I'm referring to who has this same capability is just a fellow student. So I find myself quite drawn to him. There are other circumstances which some people are precisely aware of and others are completely befuddled by this comment. If you wish to know, ask and I may or may not tell you. In any event, I find it quite intriguing that there is another individual who can make simple statements that make me think so clearly and awaken my inner writer and muse. I love the writer in me, and I love having my thoughts and ideas challenged in such a way, but it scares me a bit that there is someone I can talk to casually who can make me think so clearly. So I'm praying about it.

Today I'm comfortable and content. I'm not nervous or anxious in any way. So I'll wrap up with that thought.

Cecelia