Miscelaneous Content (MC theme again!)

So I've had several things on my mind lately. I wasn't sure which one to write about first, and while it would probably be really cool to wait and elaborate separately about each,I just don't have that kind of patience

Topic 1: Follow Up on Predestination post:

So after spending a great deal of time in prayer and after a short conversation with one Calvinist who I've known for a very long time, a somewhat longer conversation with another Calvinist whom I've known for a very short time and after several arguments and long conversations with "free will" thinkers, I have decided I agree with Calvinism. This took a lot of soul-searching and God-searching, and I'm still not 100% convinced. Call it my raising, call it Divine intervention telling me that Calvinism is a screwed up idea. Call me a hypocrite. Call me a Pharisee. Call me a fool. Call me a dumb Calvinist. But the more I think and pray and read, the more I find myself leaning in that direction. Thanks to everyone who talked to me about this, because regardless of whether you think you made an impact or not, you did. Some of you put up some very good arguments as to why Calvinism both could and couldn't work.

For me, one friend said that her reasoning is because her heart told her that it couldn't possibly be the case for God to sentence certain people to eternal suffering while he picked and chose those of us He wants to go to Heaven. While I completely respect that, and my intention is not to draw out a can of worms here, but if I were to listen to what my heart is telling me on one matter, I would have to listen to my heart according to several other matters. Right now, my mind is telling me that my heart is a wicked liar, and that there is no vessel more wicked within me than my heart, fragile though it may be. My mind tells me that Calvinism is correct, and while my heart wants to argue with that, I must remember, my heart is also telling me to let go of all inhibitions and give it to some boy I've known all of two months at best. My heart is telling me to quit school and go back home where I "belong". My heart is telling me to go ahead and dwell on my feelings rather than studiously seek out Truth. If my heart is right on this one, good for it. I'm glad, but it's so wrong in these other areas. Common sense tells me that it's probably wrong about this too.

Topic 2: Mobility Cane! (Another MC for you!)

So over the past few weeks I have struggled a great deal with being more open with my eyesight. Even after my epiphany at the end of convocation, someting inside of me has been holding back, not wanting to let people know, even though they really need to know about my sight impairment. I have always been used to people treating me differently as soon as they found out I am visually impaired. Even if they don't intend to, sometimes it still seems like they take pity upon me... and while that bothers me some, I'm getting over it. I'm letting God deal with my feelings there.

However, I've taken a HUGE step towards being unashamed of my handicap while still being independent of it. While Sara and I were walking to the local Mexican restaurant to get some dinner several nights ago, she grabbed her umbrella on the way out the door in case it should rain. It didn't rain, but the umbrella still was extremely useful in that I was able to use it as a mobility cane. While I couldn't use the white cane law and just randomly jump out into traffic, legally, it was still extremely useful for wandering around in the dark. After spending some time discussing it with Sara, I finally texted my dad, asking him about getting a REAL mobility cane. As useful as the umbrella wa, I knew that a cane was much lighter weight, much more wieldy, it didn't drag the ground as badly, and I also knew I needed a little O&M trainign before I actually used a cane without assistance.

When I went home for fall break, I got said O&M training. My dad also gave me a cane that he had been using, explaining that it would be easy enough for him to get another one, and he had some extras lying around the house in case there was an emergency and he needed it.

So last night, I got brave, and I tried out this new toy of mine.

This was quite possibly the most exciting thing I've ever done! For the first time in my life, I was able to walk in an unfamiliar place alone at night without having to stop and ask for assistance or call someone to come pick me up. I walked around the entirety of Lee University's campus almost without any difficulty. In fact, with cane in hand, I was more confident wandering the campus at night when I couldn't see than when I could see in broad daylight. I think this is because, since I do practically everything tactilely rather than visually anyway, for me to literally be able to understand what the campus "feels" like, meant I was able to get a stronger geographical feel for where I was. Using that with what little eyesight I did have, I'm sure I looked as confident as a sighted person to the untrained eye. (no pun intended.)

Sadly, it was, however, just as my dad had said. As liberating an experience as it was for me to be able to walk unassisted at night where I was unable to see and in an unfamiliar area to top it all off, there were still downsides. My orientation was perfectly fine. I was confident about my geographical location. Unfortunately though, I think it did have an effect on passersby. Most just either ignored me or watched me curiously, which didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was, occasionally I would pass someone who would simply stop and stare at me. It wasn't at all like the curious people who wondered what it was I was doing or the fascinated onlookers who had never seen anyone use a cane before. I only clearly remember encountering it twice, but both times it burned into my memory. There were people who stared judgmentally at me. It was almost as if to say "What is she doing on our campus?" or "Does she really need that cane, or is she just trying to draw attention to herself?" It burned to my very core whenever I felt it, and I hope this passes quickly. I also ran into an acquaintance of mine as I was walking. It was extremely awkward at first, because I had no clue who he was, and while my orientation was pretty good considering I did have my cane, I clearly had no idea who he was, and I wasn't totally sure where i was either. I felt embarrassed to be seen with my cane, but he passed it off as though it were no big deal. It's people like that who remind me that humanity is not all terrible. Thank you. You know who you are.

Topic 3: NaNoWriMo

So many of you who knew me (and who didn't know me) this time last year are aware that I participated in a little project called NaNoWriMo. I'm such a writer, and today I started working again on what I like to call "novel number two." So I think I will actually start my NaNo project a little earlier this year. As much as I would love to limit myself to one month, I am pretty sure that what with finals coming up, the stress of Thanksgiving, being a music major and so much more that I am not going to have time to write fifty thousand words for something theoretically unnecessary within a month. "Why don't you just limit yourself to twenty five thousand words then?" It's true that 25k would be a much more reachable, realistic goal considering my work load, and honestly, that was what I was originally planning, but I'm thinking that if I start right now I may be able to get as much as forty thousand words by the end of November. When I write, I do write about 2000 words a day, and I try to double my efforts on weekends. But as I said, what with Thanksgiving, school, exams, etc. I may not necessarily have time to write every day.

So I begin. At the end of every entry up until the end of November, I will post under my name, my NaNo word count for you all to keep up. If you comment and show enough interest in this novel of mine, I may even let you read it as soon as it's finished! So be good. Till then, peace!

Cecelia

Current NaNo progress: 2,449/40,000

Predestination?

So I've been thinking a lot lately. I pray for more wisdom in God's word every day, and as I sleep, I sometimes just listen to my audio Bible because I know that sometimes God's word will get directly into my heart if I listen to it constantly. Well, a few weeks ago I was laying in bed awake, listening to my Bible. It's most unfortunate that I wasn't awake to listen to what book or chapter I was listening to, but I remember hearing something along the lines of (forgive my paraphrasing): For some God has created for righteousness, and others He has created for destruction.

I can't remember if it was Old or New Testament. I can't remember what book or chapter, and the reader doesn't say the verses. But I remember hearing it clearly. Only my own witness can prove this true, and men's hearts are wicked things and the tongue is a liar, so if you don't believe me or choose to disagree with me, don't let me condemn you. You choose to read what I write. I choose to write it.

But let me point out one thing: If anyone has ever been more opposed to the idea of predestination, let it have been me. Like Paul who persecuted and executed Christians, I don't think there could have been anyone who thought Calvinism was the most closed-minded, stupidest most pointless thing a "Christian" could believe. Even now, I struggle with trying to swallow such a difficult pill. If not for what I feel is the pure witness of God within my heart and the impossible coincidence that is me continuing to find references to predestination in both the old AND New Testaments, I would have ignored that encounter and thought of it as something intended differently than what a modern day Christian would look at.

Another reason this scripture speaks so loudly to me is that my church has gone through a great deal of struggle over the past few years. We have had legal issues with a "preacher" trying to literally steal our church from us. He nearly succeeded too, if not by the grace of God. That's a story for another time, however. This man had us all convinced that he was our brother in Christ. He preached for us, and he witnessed. He guided us Spiritually, and we really believed he was a righteous man. "Well what's so bad about him getting your church then?" He didn't want our church to lead it in the right direction. He wanted our church so he could sell it and keep the profit all for himself. After this man took us to court for our church, we found out he was a criminal. We knew he'd had some driving issues, a little "road rage" and had gotten a great number of tickets. We even knew he had been in jail, but we thought it was for a traffic violation of some sort. Come to find out, he was in jail for robbery. His father owned a Christian radio station, and he and his father had gone through a similar situation that our church was going through. Answer me this: Who would sue their own father? If anyone on this earth was "created for destruction" it was this man and his wife.

Romans 8:29-30 says: "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." (NIV)

I have checked over 15 translations of this verse on BibleGateway.com and over half of them use the word "predestine" or "predestinate". Other words commonly used are "fore-ordained", and "chose". It's times like this that I wish I could go directly to the original text and translate it myself.

The very first time I questioned the legitimacy of predestination was, ironically enough, in the middle of a Greek mythology class. Our teacher asked us, "I want you to answer these questions on a piece of paper. It's for you and you alone. Don't tell me the answers:

"1. Do you believe that there is one True God?

"2. If you believe there is a True God, do you believe that He is all powerful?

"3. Do you believe that He is willing to change His mind and accept someone into 'salvation' as they call it?

"4. If you do believe He can change His mind, does that mean that you believe you can change His mind? If so, does that mean that you are powerful enough to change God's mind? If so, doesn't that make us more powerful than God?"

Ever since then I've kind of struggled a little with predestination, but never so strongly as I am now, that I am literally suffering to know the answer.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this entry is. Perhaps it's a chance for me to seek out my own faith and belief. Perhaps it's my way of confirming what I'm trying to think I believe. Perhaps I'm strengthening my own faith. Perhaps I'm "getting it out of my system" so that it no longer haunts me. I don't know. All of those things sound plausible, knowing me.

Cecelia