Sincerity

So barring the fact that I wrote this during a class, when I should have been taking notes, I am pretty pleased with how it came out. This is something I have been trying to put words to for a while now... It's not exactly the thing I was attempting to convey, but I was told once never to apologize for or explain anything I ever wrote.

So then... for your reading pleasure... a sonnet:

Sincerity:

Of Diamonds and rubies and all precious gems

Of fruit and honey and every delicacy

Of warmth and of comfort all filled to the brim

None of them compare to true sincerity

So often so many would offer their hand

But when I reached out to take it, they drew it away

Or if I could grasp it they would make some demand

As though my thankfulness was not enough to pay

So when I met you, I was scared to reach out

Even snapping at your outstretched, patient hand

But your resilience changed my defense to doubt

And my doubt bloomed to trust, completely unplanned

So now my fingers reach out hesitantly

To take your hand, accepting your sincerity

Cecelia Swick

More live footage: Me & My dad singing!

So, I'm going to be completely honest. Besides the fact that I wanted to play some music with my dad, the primary reason for uploading these was for Vivi. She had so much appreciation for my last post, that I thought I'd give her more stuff to watch and think of me. Cause I miss singing with Vivi!!!

Cecelia Swick - Peace

Home: An untraditional post.

Cecelia

Introspection

Fact (according to Cissy): Ninety percent of people who say they will do something won't follow through. Most of them don't mean to let you down or fail you when you need them most. Humanity is just fickle. Hence why, if you do everything you say you will do and everything everyone asks you to do, you will rise above 90% of the competition.

I want to be a part of that ten percent. I want to literally do everything that is not morally wrong or self-detrimental that people need me to do. Even if it's mildly inconvenient, I want to do what people ask me to do. I want to do what I say I will do. If it's as simple as remembering to turn a light off when I'm done in a room or as difficult as walking halfway across town so that you don't have to walk alone. Or watch their child for a day so that they can just get some rest. I don't want to be unreliable. I want to be the solid foundation that holds people up.

The other day someone told me I was a self-contradiction a lot. They said I had so many sides to me that they couldn't even tell which one was the real me. When I responded that all of them are the real me, they told me that a lot of it contradicted itself. For me, most things are situational. Whether I'm the person who can laugh and joke about anything, talk objectively and intellectually about any subject or am hurting and struggling with feelings. Whether I am angry or happy, aloof or warm, quiet or loud, uninterested or passionate, even about the same subject, it is still me. Very seldom do I show any side of myself that is fake.

But if that person is reading this, I do want to say that after some introspection, I realized that the side of me you saw the day that you were so concerned when we had this conversation was a different person. I was trying too hard to get someone else's attention without jeopardizing giving myself away. I forget sometimes that people actually like me for me, so that the sides that I typically hide from others and the sides that I typically show from others kind of reversed themselves that day. My gravitation probably would have remained the same, but it probably would have manifested itself in a different manner. I'm just afraid of being too clingy and driving people away. And yet, that seems to be exactly what I'm doing anyway. Frankly, I hate the side of me that I showed that day probably more than anyone else ever could. Because I know exactly what it is.

My request is this: Pray that I may learn, not only how to determine and control outwardly what it is that I'm feeling, but that I may also learn how to relax and be less afraid to show whatever is the "real" me in cases such as these. My mind is unable to rest at ease right now, and ever since we had this discussion, it has plagued my thoughts, while I've tried to determine what my real issue is. Because most of the time, with me, what you see is what you get. How I show myself to be is how I generally am. Sure, sometimes I pretend to be happier than I am or more excited about something than I really am, but I don't manifest it any differently than I really would.

I don't know. I feel like I'm trying to understand something that goes much deeper than what within my range of comprehension. I need to stop thinking.

M. Cecelia Swick

Contamination

DISCLAIMER: This post is extremely personal! If it would make you uncomfortable reading something personal about me due to the current dynamic of our relationship or feel like you're not ready to be sharing personal information with me yet, go ahead and feel free to save this entry for a later date when you feel you are ready to read it.

I had an epiphany last night, and I promised Sara I would elaborate.

In my self-introduction post, I mentioned having an eye problem that I don't like talking about. (Read it yourself if you want the details.) Lately, it's been a very sensitive area for me. I felt like people have been judging me based on it. I have felt like people feel this need to keep a distance from me because of it. I even have blamed my lack of ability to attain and retain a romantic relationship on the fact that I'm "blind". To put it simply, it's an effect I call contamination. Basically, people who don't know me who spend too much time around me are afraid they'll be "contaminated" by my simple presence. In other words, "If I spend too much time around the blind girl, I'll get it too." Or if not contamination, just this general defining nature. "Oh, that's the girl with eye problems." Over the past week or two, I have been really dwelling more heavily upon this. Perhaps because I hate telling people or even giving people inclinations about it, and a few times a slip of the tongue has caused me to nearly give myself away, and I'm also scared the person I nearly spilled it to thinks I'm a blithering idiot... when I have a very high opinion of that person, myself.

Last night at convocation, I was informed that mercy is not some "feel good" thing of "Oh, it's okay... I forgive you." Mercy is God's way of telling us that He doesn't agree with what we think we are. That He sees us as something different, and it's our job to accept that. At the altar call, I felt the Spirit moving me, and before I knew it I was walking up there. Long story short, as I approached the stairs to pray, I could feel God telling me "You're not a contamination. Everyone loves you. The only person who thinks you're a contamination is you!" And then I prayed, and I hugged the girl next to me, and she started praying for me. The music was so loud I could barely hear what she said, but I caught a few things she said: "....that she IS beautiful!" and "...that she won't believe those lies ever again!" and even though the liars still try to tell me these things, I now KNOW I'm not a contamination.

And I'm glad I waited till today to write this, cause today I've had so many encouraging things happen that have convinced me of these Truths!

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!

Cissy

Irony

So today's topic is irony. Don't you just love how society has altered its definition so that it's a synonym for coincidence? Okay, so you're talking about your favorite song with me, and then it comes on the radio. Your immediate response is "Wow, that's so ironic!" My response is to restrain myself from raving on and on about how society nowadays misuses the word. Above I posted a link to the definition, but in case you were too lazy to click on it, here it is:

Main Entry: iro·ny

Pronunciation: \ˈī-rə-nē also ˈī(-ə)r-nē\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural iro·nies

Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirōnia, from eirōn dissembler

Date: 1502

1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

synonyms see wit

Can I now make it any clearer that irony =/= coincidence. If anything, irony might be more easily confused with sarcasm.

Irony would be me trying to come up with an example to explain it, and then using a coincidence instead. Irony is how my dad and I joke about how "Ironic" it is that we both have pet peeves about people using irony to mean coincidence.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this is. Perhaps because I currently have friends who love to use/overuse/misuse this word.

And that aside, have you ever had a song that you heard and thought "Wow, that's so me right now!"? Well, basically all of MAE's music has done that to me lately. Particularly "The Sun and The Moon." (this is one song. The first link is lyrics. Second link is a video with the song.) To be more specific, the first stanza really applies to me right now. "The words seem to flow, and the thoughts they keep running..." I can't possibly express how incredible that is to me!

Anyway, I feel like this entry is becoming a bit unproductive. As for my last entry, I still find myself struggling with what I want to believe as Truth. But I seek Truth, not convenience. Whatever that may be.

Celia

Predestination?

So I've been thinking a lot lately. I pray for more wisdom in God's word every day, and as I sleep, I sometimes just listen to my audio Bible because I know that sometimes God's word will get directly into my heart if I listen to it constantly. Well, a few weeks ago I was laying in bed awake, listening to my Bible. It's most unfortunate that I wasn't awake to listen to what book or chapter I was listening to, but I remember hearing something along the lines of (forgive my paraphrasing): For some God has created for righteousness, and others He has created for destruction.

I can't remember if it was Old or New Testament. I can't remember what book or chapter, and the reader doesn't say the verses. But I remember hearing it clearly. Only my own witness can prove this true, and men's hearts are wicked things and the tongue is a liar, so if you don't believe me or choose to disagree with me, don't let me condemn you. You choose to read what I write. I choose to write it.

But let me point out one thing: If anyone has ever been more opposed to the idea of predestination, let it have been me. Like Paul who persecuted and executed Christians, I don't think there could have been anyone who thought Calvinism was the most closed-minded, stupidest most pointless thing a "Christian" could believe. Even now, I struggle with trying to swallow such a difficult pill. If not for what I feel is the pure witness of God within my heart and the impossible coincidence that is me continuing to find references to predestination in both the old AND New Testaments, I would have ignored that encounter and thought of it as something intended differently than what a modern day Christian would look at.

Another reason this scripture speaks so loudly to me is that my church has gone through a great deal of struggle over the past few years. We have had legal issues with a "preacher" trying to literally steal our church from us. He nearly succeeded too, if not by the grace of God. That's a story for another time, however. This man had us all convinced that he was our brother in Christ. He preached for us, and he witnessed. He guided us Spiritually, and we really believed he was a righteous man. "Well what's so bad about him getting your church then?" He didn't want our church to lead it in the right direction. He wanted our church so he could sell it and keep the profit all for himself. After this man took us to court for our church, we found out he was a criminal. We knew he'd had some driving issues, a little "road rage" and had gotten a great number of tickets. We even knew he had been in jail, but we thought it was for a traffic violation of some sort. Come to find out, he was in jail for robbery. His father owned a Christian radio station, and he and his father had gone through a similar situation that our church was going through. Answer me this: Who would sue their own father? If anyone on this earth was "created for destruction" it was this man and his wife.

Romans 8:29-30 says: "For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified." (NIV)

I have checked over 15 translations of this verse on BibleGateway.com and over half of them use the word "predestine" or "predestinate". Other words commonly used are "fore-ordained", and "chose". It's times like this that I wish I could go directly to the original text and translate it myself.

The very first time I questioned the legitimacy of predestination was, ironically enough, in the middle of a Greek mythology class. Our teacher asked us, "I want you to answer these questions on a piece of paper. It's for you and you alone. Don't tell me the answers:

"1. Do you believe that there is one True God?

"2. If you believe there is a True God, do you believe that He is all powerful?

"3. Do you believe that He is willing to change His mind and accept someone into 'salvation' as they call it?

"4. If you do believe He can change His mind, does that mean that you believe you can change His mind? If so, does that mean that you are powerful enough to change God's mind? If so, doesn't that make us more powerful than God?"

Ever since then I've kind of struggled a little with predestination, but never so strongly as I am now, that I am literally suffering to know the answer.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this entry is. Perhaps it's a chance for me to seek out my own faith and belief. Perhaps it's my way of confirming what I'm trying to think I believe. Perhaps I'm strengthening my own faith. Perhaps I'm "getting it out of my system" so that it no longer haunts me. I don't know. All of those things sound plausible, knowing me.

Cecelia

Mountain Climbing Part II.

So the trip to the mountains was spectacular. The moon was so bright you could easily depict your shadow, and it made it difficult (for me anyway) to see the stars, but the sky up there was so clear. Which is so metaphorical for exactly what was going on in my head. My heart and mind were so clear. The roomies and I sat up there on our own for a while, and then my suite mate's good friend came up the mountain. The night air and the moonlight, and having his head above the fog (which was beautiful on the ground like a snowbank broken up by rivers and forests and peaks.) altered him. He became so spiritual and open about God and his faith. We ended up all praying for each other in just a general way, letting the Spirit guide our words, not asking for anything specific, just letting the Spirit work within each of us.

When I was being prayed for, I could sense so many things people were praying for hitting home that I didn't realize were things I needed to work on. Specifically, from the one person who knows me least. One of the many, many things that I can say that he asked for was that I may not hold back in loving, that I may let my heart go and remember how to love with no boundaries upon myself. Normally, this has never been the case, but lately I've been far more guarded with everyone, especially since I came to Lee. Now every time something goes wrong, I can't just run to my dad and hide in my room and forget the world. That fact scares me, so I've been giving less of myself away lately. On that note, I'd just like to scream something:

IT'S SO HARD TO LOVE!!!!!

So all this time I've been pondering how to let go of my inhibitions, though I've commended my heart to God. I continue to pray about it and think about it. As we were coming down the mountain, I had an epiphany. As we drove, I was watching the clouds below us, then as we continued down, I could see them on level and almost halfway above us. At one point, the fog was not so much on the road as it was beside us, and it was like a beautiful cloud next to us, and it reminded me of Both Sides Now by Hayley Westenra. As my mind worked around this, I realized something: I was used to seeing clouds above me. Similarly, I've always seen the negative side of romantic love. Just as I had seen both sides of clouds now, (from up and down) all in one night, and a side to the clouds I'd never seen, I was encouraged that maybe... just maybe, I might begin to see the more positive side of love, and really have some understanding of what romantic love is.

Some of you who know me may be worrying that I'm thinking of the things I've been pondering over attempting over the past week, but honestly,as much as I still am curious about that person and like him (yes. I'm admitting it. I do like what I know of him.) ...I don't want to say I feel led in an entirely different direction, but I'm feeling like instead of trying to set a time for me to act, that God will work it out. If the opportunity presents itself (and by presents itself, I mean so blatantly obvious that all I have to do is take one step to go through the door, whether I be initiating it or him.) that I will follow through, but till then, I believe Brooke was right. I should give myself the opportunity to be pursued rather than doing all the work myself. I'm so used to being the guy in a relationship, doing all the initiating and moving things along (by moving, I just mean as opposed to standing still. I don't mean rushing.) So I feel far more at peace than I have.

So the mountains. Something tells me many more secrets will be unraveled there.

Cissy. ♥

Mountain Climbing and Morse Code (MC & MC!)

So tonight marks a special event. I'm about to go up to the "mountains", which is something I've never experienced. I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this is, but it sounds like an exhilarating experience. It's been a while since I've hiked, and even longer since I've hiked at night, so I'm mildly nervous, but I'm not letting that hold me back. I'm also very tired, so that adds just that much more to my nervousness. Regardless, the moon is full and the stars are bright. Therefore, the mountains are calling us!

This just in: It is now revealed what girls do when they don't have dates during the weekends! They eat cake batter and listen to Superchick! What more could she want from life?! Maybe chocolate...

Anyway, onto my second topic of the evening: Morse code is absolutely fascinating. I'm not well versed in it yet, and I'm a little rusty, since I haven't practiced it in a few months. I need to start listening to the quote of the day again so I can work on my transcription. Morse is one of those things I feel like I might just need one day, and I feel like I should keep it strong in my mind. I wrote a short story about how Morse code saved the lives of a small group of college kids who were in Italy lol. It was based loosely on my own trip to Italy. Anyway yes. If you are well versed in Morse code and would like to tutor me and help me practice, you know how to contact me. Then again, no one reads this blog yet, so that may be unlikely at this point.

Cecelia Swick