A Little Pain

Much is on my mind right now, but words cannot quite express.

I started a composition about a year ago. Sensei was that inspiration, and I finished it on the 18th. A week ago today. Yesterday, I gave him said composition with a very long note explaining, to the best of my ability while still being delicate concerning the subject, everything. My feelings are very clear now.... When he reads my note, I feel as though I'll not be seeing him again. Even if he's understanding about my feelings, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look him in the eye...and honestly, I hate being pitied.

But from what I've been told, it's a beautiful composition. (I kept a copy for myself of course, but I feel as though Sensei was its rightful owner due to his great deal of inspiration, both emotionally and theoretically/academically. Regardless, I actually made one friend of mine cry when I played it for her, and ever since, I've ben at this place emotionally that is very...honest. It's slightly painful, and I'm a little sad...but not as distraught as I typically am when I get downright depressed. I'm a little...drawing back into myself... picking back up the fragments of solitude I tend to hold close to my heart when I am in pain. But I'm not in the dark rut I was in over break.

Honestly, I'm glad Sensei knows everything now. I hate that I might not see him again, but I'd rather a person know what is going on in my head, even if it's difficult to say.

Cissy

Messages from God

So, I'm not going to talk about my personal life, Sensei, Blue-eyes, Anne....they can all wait for now.

The real thing I want to talk about right now is my relationship with God. Call it a testimony, if you will. You don't have to read it. But I'd recommend that you did.

So, it doesn't take someone with a Ph. D in psychology, a rocket scientist, or even someone who knows me really well to figure it out. It's obvious by simply reading this blog that romantic relationships are of a great deal of importance to me. I get attached to people, and to me a romantic relationship would be the epitome of being able to show that deep attachment I wish to share with someone. I think the desire has lessened a bit as I have developed more friends and realized that those friends can fill some of those gaps, but romance is still a pretty big deal to me. You also don't have to be too brilliant to figure out that I've also had a lot of bad luck in that area and have faced a great deal of struggle and heartache because of my tendency to get too attached too soon...or simply get attached to the wrong people, either one. I was praying about this issue, more that I would find some reprieve for the heartache than to actually find a relationship, but the latter was also a concern. Of course, this is in no way unusual for me. But as I was praying, I felt as though the Lord was telling me "You'll find him soon, My child." It was a very very comforting feeling. It was as though God was actually saying that after all this time of searching, just a couple of weeks even, might be my time.

But I feel like this pales in comparison to what has occurred over the past few days.

I mentioned that I'd been going through a depression. Well, shortly before the incident I mentioned before, I asked my dad to pray for me concerning my depression and trust issues, and he did (of course), and soon I began to feel a wave of peace surround me....the kind of peace that allows you to let go of the hurt, and I cried a bit, but the tears went away, and I felt better than I had after all the other crying I'd done. Similarly, last night I was feeling a bit anxious....not about anything in particular, but just anxious in general. I think there is actually a bit of Spiritual warfare going on right now in my life. The enemy is attacking my spirit, and I've really not been fighting back like I should Anyway, I digress. I was listening to this arrangement of the old hymn "Abide With Me." I was mouthing the words along with it (My suitemate was in the other room, and I had headphones in. Music major or not, I'm oddly self-conscious about people hearing me sing just to myself.) At the words "Help of the helpless, O abide with me." I felt as though.....the only way I can put it is, God walked up to me behind my chair like a parent would a child or someone would do for their spouse, and...wrapped a sort of spiritual blanket around me. It felt like "As long as you have this blanket around you and believe I am with you, no harm can come to you." I've still been slightly anxious but not nearly as much ever since that.

The other thing is...well, several things happened to me today. One....is an issue most readers of this blog are not aware of, but is a very old story to which another....episode popped up unexpectedly. I told a friend about it, and she said she was praying for me....not an unusual response for people around here, but somehow I really felt comforted in that fact. Also, there was an academic issue I was concerned about, and I felt like both of these issues were addressed directly to me during the convocation service this evening.

As I was worshipping, at one point, I felt like God was saying to me "I'll make sure you're ready for your UDAE," (Upper Division Admissions Exam....the academic thing I was talking about.) , and as I lifted my hands, I felt something real and tangible almost take my hands. Usually if I feel anything, it's just a Spiritual surrounding warmth, but this was almost....heavy as though it was pushing my hands back down, saying "There's a burden coming your way, but I want you to accept it. However, I will make sure the enemy can't touch you during this time." And then later on in the service as we were finishing the actual worship, I felt like God was saying the episode from this morning was partly a test and partly a reminder....to show me how much I'd grown since before and how much stronger I was now.

Basically, I've just had a lot of communication with the Holy Spirit here lately, and I know convocation week usually is huge, so I expect this isn't the end of this. Be praying for me and my family as we face what's ahead.

Cissy

Continued Complications

So as life continues on, another semester has come to greet me. My break was...eventfully uneventful. Christmas went reasonably well. I got a scooter and an iPad which I feel both will help me a great deal this semester...I'll have to wait till all the ice melts before I use the former. I don't trust myself, seeing as I'm not used to a scooter yet, added to my eyesight AND the ice. I should at least be in a familiar, reasonably safe environment before doing something potentially dangerous.

After Christmas though, I fell into quite the little depression. I felt a bit isolated and as though there was nothing to do, and due to that, I slept pretty much all the time....and thought. And as is the case with me in most cases, I became depressed. So when I wasn't sleeping, I was just laying there crying. Embarrassed as I am to admit it, I even had some suicidal thoughts...none that I would have acted upon, but it was more than just a passing thought within my head.

The following week, my grandparents came to our house, and brought along with them, to celebrate Christmas with us, Anne and her baby. The weekend went pretty well, and I did an okay job pulling myself out of my depression. Whenever I could stand to not isolate myself, I spent the majority of my time WITH Anne and the baby. Sunday night, my other aunt, uncle and baby cousin arrived at our house, and we did our Christmas festivities with them. The weekend had gone pretty well from my perspective. The next day, they were getting ready to go home, and due to a misconstrued tone, Anne mistook something I said as being rude and threw an enormous tantrum. She blew everything ridiculously out of proportion, and several things were said...things were brought up from the past, including the "incident" of three Christmases ago. A lot of hurtful things were said, and what really came out was that she hadn't forgiven me at all for the things that I had already tried my best to let go of. She had so many issues with me that she had to bring up, and I, in my depressed state, couldn't really handle any of it. And some of the things she said stick with me even now.... I keep telling myself that she doesn't know me...that she hasn't even seen me, and that she can't really know how I think or act or feel...or even what kinds of turns of phrase I use. I'm pretty sure the thing about her having cancer was just a lie, too.

What this says to me is that, all this time, these past years I've spent trying to mend the very very broken relationship we have....this time that I've been working to precariously build some trust and friendship between us.... the fact that I went to therapy FOR HER.... she's unwilling to see it. All she sees is herself and how this isn't her internet, video game world where all she has to do is put back on her keyboard mask and avatar personality and hit the reset button to fix things. She thinks that if people aren't willing to work with her exactly how she wants them to that she has been wronged in some way

And you know what bothers me the most? I think that if I had just left well enough alone that Monday and not asked her what I asked her or responded the way I did when she answered (which was in no way meant to be rude or mean or disrespectful) that maybe things would be different.... I keep blaming myself, and no matter how many times I tell myself that "that's just her. If that hadn't happened, she would have come up with SOMETHING to pitch a fit about," I just can't totally believe it. There's this voice inside of me that STILL blames myself for it. I think that's the most frustrating thing of all.

Because of this situation, not only did she destroy the trust I worked on building between the two of us, but I'm also struggling to have faith in humanity....in my friends, in the people I know love me. I'm in a very vulnerable place at this moment, and I feel like any time a friend of mine even so much as shows false signs of having the ability of taking advantage of me, I run away and hide. I become defensive and afraid, and I'm scared I'm gonna push my friends away due to that. And some of those friends that I'm afraid I'm pushing away are some of the ones I care about most. I know I'm being oversensitive, but I think I have that right at this point.

As you can imagine, it's very good to be out of dodge of that and back at school. I believe the situation with sensei has simmered down within my heart. I do still feel attracted to him, and if I'm not too careful, I might end up developing some feelings for him again, but at the moment, there's someone else I have feelings for more than that, which is equally conflicting for me personally, but outwardly wouldn't be nearly as complicated.

Classes have begun, and all is well right now. I'm almost out of my depression, even though I'm struggling greatly with trust issues right now. I feel like it's going to be a good semester

Cissy

Killing Time

I've got a lot I could and should be doing, but the day still has a few hours left, anyway. I'm done with my classes, but I'm not hungry, not ready to return to my apartment, and frankly I'm about all practiced out for the semester. Yes I have homework to finish, but it's at my apartment. Everyone gets like this at the end of the semester. I'm hoping the few days we have off for Thanksgiving will be enough of a break to motivate me to get through finals and my jury. I have to finish my final project for theory. I don't have the motivation to do that though. I barely understand the things he's taught us, and I'm struggling. I'm NOT a composer. I'm composing one piece, and it's for Sensei, because Sensei inadvertently is the one I blame/give credit for inspiring me.

I've got a lot I can talk about right now, but I don't need the world reading over my shoulder. I'm ina computer lab, so I don't knwo how much privacy I have. There's too muchy for me to think about right now. My head hurts. Oh I can explain that.

So I went to the doctor a little over a week ago, due to me hitting my head on my dresser, and for a couple weeks afterward I had these headaches that progressively got worse and worse. I also started to be unable to focus with my right eye, and I became really extremely light sensitive. I still am slightly.

So I went to the doctor after having basically broken down in my sight singing class.... I knew it was time to go home and see someone about my head. My headaches were making me extremely emotional, and I decided then was the time to see a doctor. The doctor said (after some examination) that I have some nerve damage in the first branch of my tre-something-or-other in my brain, and that I'd have to take this medicine. This medicine makes me extremely sleepy and out of it, but it at least helps me get my guard down, which is something I've been needing and intending to do for a while now. I just wish I wasn't so out of it. I'm scared this nerve damage might go deeper than the doctor initially thought though, because my motor skills seem to be suffering. That may just be exhaustion and burn-out, but I actually was practicing piano the other day, and I realized that I had totally forgotten the phrase to a piece I've been working on all semester. Yes, I hadn't played it in a day or two, but I have this piece memorized, or so I thought. I kept being unable to play that chord progression too as the piece went on. I'm a little scared about what may actually be wrong with me.

So I changed my major. Don't freak out once you read that. It wasn't that drastic a change. I just changed it from music education to simply "music". Which is different than being a performance major. Semantics, semantics. Semantical nonsense. I can't wait till this semester's over. I need Christmas break to sort out my brain, and see if there's anything wrong with it beyond the initial slight nerve damage the doctor suggested. He didn't do any actual tests, but he did do a few little things there in his office, like seeing how sensitive my head was, testing my motor skills, and he even described the kind of headaches I was having.

I am suffering mightily right now. Few know my real dilemma with sensei, adn even fewer know all the details. I don't really think anyone knows ALL the details, but I have a lot of hurt there. Seems he goes from being warm to being cold in a heartbeat. I think all is well between us, and then like a serpent he sneaks out of nowhere and strikes. It's in those moments, those moments where I think e're fine....when he's being warm, and then suddenly becomes harsh and serpentine that I am bothered by him. It makes me so upset and so angry....just seeing him makes me both angry and happy. I can forgive him in an instant, and he can slowly break down my barriers only to strike like a snake andtear another hole inside my heart. And I'm taking it out on other people somewhat. Not outwardly, but I feel strange resentment toward his sister sometimes when he gets that way, and I always feel uncomfortable being around his fiancee. I've tried my hardest to separate him from her in my mind, but I simply can't. I care a lot about her, and I fel she really adores me, but I can't let go of the fact that she is attached to him....and sometimes I feel like they're attached at the hip. IAnd I feel resentment toward her. It's a strange thing. I really like her, and I hate seeing her. I love her, but I can't stand being around her. I've prayed andprayed, but I can't seem to let go of my feelings for him. I'm hoping Christmas does me somethinggood. I could stand to let go of him.

Enough about that I suppose. I don't think you guys want to read about that. I suppose I should go practice now. I've nothing better to do.

Cisssy - Confused and lonely.

Promised UPdate

I'm really terrible at keeping up a blog. I think it's part of being a music major. You get into the semester out of nowhere, and suddenly you've got an abundance of things to do. Then you realize you've lot your entire social life, or just stopped doing something you normally do. And I don't really think this is how any of you keep up with me, but I hate to think that someone might stumble upon me and get the wrong impression since I randomly disappeared at a bad time.

Things with sensei are just as confusing as they were when I last wrote. Except now he's engaged, so that just complicates the situation that much more. I could say more on it, but I feel like most of you who actually know me have heard me rand about it plenty. I'm not so sure anyone actually reads this blog anymore anyway, but I feel like having some record of what's going on in my life, even if it's at slightly random junctures, is a good way for people to check up on me. Or if I should meet some umtimely death via car accident or something, you guys will have something to remember me by, and to perhaps understand me better through.

What I've really been struggling with is my belongingness here at Lee. I had a struggle like this around this time last year, and maybe it's just fear. I feel like all of my life, back in Tullahoma, I always had a difficult time fitting in. People hurt me or bullied me or ignored me. I tend(ed) to blame that on my visual impairment, but I don't think that's all of it. I believe I discussed something along these lines previously in this blog at one point, but I'm just recapitulating a bit. Here at Lee, people have become my friends. I have gotten close to people. People have let me in without later deciding I'm not worth their time. They treat me like a friend rather than someone to set aside...someone who needs a ride everywhere. I think people thought of me as someone who just wanted people to give her a ride somewhere, even though that's not what I was at all.

I don't know. I've begun to realize that being a musician, I have a different kind of personality. I'm always alone. As a writer, I have that too, but in a different way. Regardless, I'm always alone. Writing and performing/practicing are my ways of venting, actually. Because no one ever has understood me. You'd think as a writer I'd be more of a socialite. As a musician, I'd have more of a fanbase. But not really. I'm just a quiet person who keeps to herself. But here at Lee.....here at Lee there are people like me all around me. Not so many writers, but lots of musicians, and that is different. They all kind of understand me. They at least understand that half of who I am. These people here accept me. They love me, and they're not afraid of my strangeness. In fact, they welcome it with open arms. The stranger I am, the better in most of their eyes.

This makes me crazy.

I don't fit in. I'm not supposed to, and yet I do here. As I said before....I don't belong here because I DO belong. It's almost an emotional trauma being around people. Like right now, the reason I'm writing here is because I just want to hide from the world. I don't want to sit and socialize with the people around me. I'd rather be a wall flower, but if I don't make myself appear busy, I get far more attention than I want, and I just want to stay away from that. However, unfortunately, I have a class right here, so I have to be here. I can't just lock myself up in my apartment all the time.

I've got more to think about than I want right now. I have juries and finals coming up. I don't have time to think about my personal emotional problems. I have to do the academic things I have to worry about. I don't have time to think about everything else. I'm busy enough as it is. Come Christmas, I've gotta sort out the crap in my mind and rearrange it....

As for Anne.....I feel like I'm stuck here not knowing what's going on with her. We've reached a standstill, but I definitely don't feel the same resentment or dread when I think about her. But I am still not at peace with the situation at all.

I don't know. I'm very anxious today and just very fed up with everyone and everything around me. I'm kinda glad to be back in my apartment where things have a different kind of atmosphere. You know what I really need? Christmas break. I'm tired and sore and done fighting these losing battles against my heart and the romance that I want and will never have if I continue on this path.

I have much more to say, but I can't right now......I mean.... can't make the words come.

Cissy

So then

I'm still alive, I promise! But.... I think YOU want to donate to this great cause called me going to the wedding of one of my best friends. I cannot afford airfare to Oregon right now. So if you want to donate, please do so *in a Ray William Johnson-esque voice* BELOW.

So that aside.... well, I've had a lot on my mind. I may make another post about that later, though. Just not feeling motivated to write. Probably why I'mnot doing WriMo this time around. That and becasue I still have another novel from last year incomplete that needs revising, andI promised myself I wouldn't start a new novel till I finished this one.

Anyway, life is dramatic.

Cissy

Random Ponderings

The weekend has passed quite slowly, and I'm glad I'll be back in class starting tomorrow except for the fact that A. I'm still contact-less (as in lenses, not as in people) and B. I didn't get an assignment done in one class because they didn't have the book at the book store. But I will be doing some studying of my Japanese with my friend Betsy tomorrow, so that will be good.

I've still been pondering over my meeting with Sensei, and perhaps this is the product of me thinking too much, but I've come to the conclusion that he was uncharacteristically happy to see me. And only a few minutes had passed of our meeting that immediately after he had posted on his girlfriend's facebook wall that he loved her, which seems to show signs of insecurity to me. Another thing that happened, which I failed to mention on here simply because I didn't feel it necessary was that a couple days before I came back, I was thinking about aforementioned girlfriend, and when I thought of her, I imagined her name and his surname. And it just seemed somehow right to me. So after a lot of praying, I posted on my facebook status (somewhat cryptically) that I was happy for him and was letting him go and wished them happiness. After I'd done this, I went to bed and cried a little, and I felt the Holy Spirit's warmth upon my face, and a voice whispered to me "I'm pleased with you, my child. I love you." At the time, I thought God was praising me for following His will, but after this recent encounter with Sensei, I have begun to rethink what this might have meant. Perhaps God wants me to be with Sensei, and He was proud of me for letting go of my selfish desire to b with him to offer him happiness with "her". God's will in my life in some places is clear, for example I KNOW He wants me to do something with music, and I sense he wants me to become a teacher. I can tell he wants me at Lee at least for the remainder of my undergraduate studies, but I think He wants me to go elsewhere for my graduate studies, which I do intend to pursue. However, as for my romantic life, I don't even have an inkling what He has in store for me. But...among previous prospects, I feel like Sensei stands a decent chance of being my "one" if you believe in such a thing. And I think....or maybe I just hope.....that God is giving me a second chance with him now that I've learned to be bolder and less afraid....and now that I know exactly what I want. But I'm going to wait for Him to make His will a little clearer to me.

And, I haven't made the blog itself aware, but most of you are aware of David by this point. (Aka the "Waffle House guy" / "gay guy" [he's not gay, but for a short time there was reason to suspect.]) I have realized that Sensei and David are like the sun and the moon. I'm not sure which plays which role, but each of them plays an important part and creates a whole in my life. At Lee, I have Sensei, and at home I have David. And without either of them, a part of my sky is missing. But if I could have one of them, the sky would be complete. And I feel like Sensei might have felt the same way when he was choosing b/w me and his current girlfriend.... each of us has qualities that are unique and appealing to him, but I think he ended up choosing the one who shone more brightly at the time.

And it makes me ask myself, if I was forced to choose between Sensei and David, which one would I choose? I had feelings for Sensei first, but David was there for me the whole summer. He took the initiative to get to know me, and was careful about everything he said and did until I made my feelings clear. When Sensei was courting me, before he was with "her", I felt like I could easily rely on him. I want to say I'd choose Sensei first, but then that's not fair to David. And along the same lines, I feel like if I DID choose David first, I might feel like I was "taking" second place even though I could have first. I feel like being with Sensei would create less trouble among my family and friends, but then if he's not interested, I can't force him. But I don't want David to feel like a consolation prize, because I CHOSE him as well. I could and would be VERY happy with him if it came to that.

"It's just like the sun, but more like the moon."

Sorry about that little rant, just needed to get things off my mind.

Cissy

Alone

A long time ago a friend of mine once pointed out that just because you have a large number of people around you doesn't mean you're not alone.

Now, when I hear that, it's a statement of the obvious to me. How many times have I found myself in a room full of people and felt like the only one there? How many times have I been in a crowded place, surrounded by friends, but still had no one to talk to? And here I sit in my empty bedroom. My roommate is out somewhere, and my suitemates haven't been around all evening. I'm writing in my blog, wanting to cry for various reasons, most of which you should be aware of if you've been keeping up, and some you wouldn't be aware of but are petty, simple reasons that, on their own would make no sense. But added on top of everything else feel like the end of the world. I tried calling my dad earlier, but his cell phone is dead or on a charger or something. I don't know, but I feel like talking to him would help even though there's nothing he can do from 140 miles away.

I miss David. (The Waffle House guy) He was always so good with me....so gentle, so friendly and sweet, and I just felt really comfortable and happy whenever he was around. I never forgot what was bothering me with him around, but he shone with a light that I could focus on that made things seem less dark than they were. His smile and the sparkle in his eye always made me feel like I could get through everything. I even like missing him. I really like him. Even if nothing ever comes of him and me, I just really like him. But he's not here either.

I find myself trying as hard as I can to reach out, but even when people grasp my groping fingers, it's like I draw myself away.... like even if they know everything like Sara and Andrea, they still can't understand everything. They don't feel what I'm feeling. And they can't pull me out of this frozen lake that I seem to have fallen into....this icy water that varies between numbing me and tormenting me. And I can't talk to my family about it. If they don't know yet, it's up to Anne to tell them.

There's a teacher I have this semester that I sense will eventually be important to me in a personal way, and I feel like that's a good thing. He has a very engaging personality in the classroom, and he seems to have taken a liking to me. And I feel like at some point, I might end up telling him about what I'm going through....maybe more than the general "thing" that I tell most of my friends. That she's sick and that she and I have a tough relationship. But I don't know how much he'd be able to help or do for me. But there's something different about him that I sense he might be able to reach a different level than everyone else has thus far. I feel like having a mentor that I could talk to about these things....not a counselor or a shrink, but just someone to guide me in a caring sort of non-parental, but also non-friendly way.

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I just know it hurts, and in the human realm, I feel extremely alone. I can feel my Father keeping me safe under His wings, but I just wish there was someone in this realm....someone I could physically touch and hug and speak to who would say something beyond all the trite things I've been hearing these past few days. To know that people are praying for me is a blessing. Don't get me wrong. But I just wish there was something someone would be able to say that might make me be able to access and reach this pain and dive into it and then let it go.

I'm just tired of feeling so alone. And I know I haven't been relying on God as much as I need to. It's just hard even though it's the most important thing. And without Him, I can't function at all. He's kept me moving through this.....but I still feel so alone.

Cissy </3

Coping

I suppose this is sort of a follow up on my last post, and don't be surprised if the subject matter of my posts is pretty similar in the near future. I talked to Sara and my friend Andrea about the whole issue with....for now we'll call her Anne since calling her "that person" can get very confusing. Anyway, after speaking with them, and doing some praying and soul-searching, I realized there's a lot more to forgive than the one big issue. It's not just a matter of feeling guilty for what I feel like I "Put on her" by praying for this punishment. There are things to forgive both myself and her for that I've ignored and set aside for the past....well, adding up to nearly 21 years now. I realized that she's done a lot more to hurt me than the one incident three Christmases ago. Our whole lives are filled with the two of us hurting each other and never trying to amend it. There are so many ways in which I've hurt her, probably as much as she's hurt me, and in truth, in her own way, she's done her best to forgive me and make peace with me over it.

I've started writing her letters....for the past three days, I've written her letters. It's been therapeutic and personally enlightening. I've been rereading what I write, and I realized there's a lot more I want to say than I even dreamed. How much of a burden she's been in my home and for me and my parents, how much trouble she's caused. I want her to know that, yes, she did hurt me. I don't want to rub it in her face, and I want to admit that I want to turn from that and forget that, but I can't change the fact that I felt those feelings. I want to be totally frank with her, but I'm so scared of her getting upset. But honestly, no matter how it hurts me, I also want to know what a burden I've been on her as well. I find myself desiring lately to know people's honest opinions of me, even if they're negative and critical and even hurtful.... I find myself wanting to know how people really feel about me...in what ways I've hurt them, helped them, changed them.

Another thing I've discovered in writing these letters is just how much I've done to her. And I'm going through the process of letting go of the things I did to her and forgiving myself.....because if I can forgive myself, forgiving her will be easier. But don't think this is a cop-out. I blame myself and beat myself up for hurting people. It's not some feel-good thing of just letting go. The Holy Spirit is working with and in me more than anyone knows right now.

The hardest thing to do right now, more than anything else in the world, is to cry. Sometimes it's so easy, and I just let it out like it's nothing, but then there are the times when the walls come up, and no matter how I try to break them down, I can't make myself cry about anything. I spoke some to my friend Abbie about that earlier. The more people in my circle of friends that I talk to about it, the easier it is. I feel less alone, even though I still feel extremely alone right now. In fact, now more than ever do I feel like I've never been this isolated within my pain, so as Andrea told me, it's time to push myself out of this and go ahead and talk to people about "Anne" and not be afraid of it.

Speaking of communication, I saw Sensei yesterday. That was kind of good and kind of bad. On my part, I felt pretty unattached, like I could say hi and let him go on his way, but I felt a sense of reaching out on his part..... like he almost regretted his decision and still wanted to reach out to me as more than just a teacher, and maybe even as more than a friend which made all the emotions get stirred up, and that mixed with the whole "Anne" situation....actually gave me nightmares and a very mild panic attack last night. So I'm going to keep thinking of David and keep walking away, no matter how badly I want to look back....

Cissy </3