I've got a lot I can talk about right now, but I don't need the world reading over my shoulder. I'm ina computer lab, so I don't knwo how much privacy I have. There's too muchy for me to think about right now. My head hurts. Oh I can explain that.
So I went to the doctor a little over a week ago, due to me hitting my head on my dresser, and for a couple weeks afterward I had these headaches that progressively got worse and worse. I also started to be unable to focus with my right eye, and I became really extremely light sensitive. I still am slightly.
So I went to the doctor after having basically broken down in my sight singing class.... I knew it was time to go home and see someone about my head. My headaches were making me extremely emotional, and I decided then was the time to see a doctor. The doctor said (after some examination) that I have some nerve damage in the first branch of my tre-something-or-other in my brain, and that I'd have to take this medicine. This medicine makes me extremely sleepy and out of it, but it at least helps me get my guard down, which is something I've been needing and intending to do for a while now. I just wish I wasn't so out of it. I'm scared this nerve damage might go deeper than the doctor initially thought though, because my motor skills seem to be suffering. That may just be exhaustion and burn-out, but I actually was practicing piano the other day, and I realized that I had totally forgotten the phrase to a piece I've been working on all semester. Yes, I hadn't played it in a day or two, but I have this piece memorized, or so I thought. I kept being unable to play that chord progression too as the piece went on. I'm a little scared about what may actually be wrong with me.
So I changed my major. Don't freak out once you read that. It wasn't that drastic a change. I just changed it from music education to simply "music". Which is different than being a performance major. Semantics, semantics. Semantical nonsense. I can't wait till this semester's over. I need Christmas break to sort out my brain, and see if there's anything wrong with it beyond the initial slight nerve damage the doctor suggested. He didn't do any actual tests, but he did do a few little things there in his office, like seeing how sensitive my head was, testing my motor skills, and he even described the kind of headaches I was having.
I am suffering mightily right now. Few know my real dilemma with sensei, adn even fewer know all the details. I don't really think anyone knows ALL the details, but I have a lot of hurt there. Seems he goes from being warm to being cold in a heartbeat. I think all is well between us, and then like a serpent he sneaks out of nowhere and strikes. It's in those moments, those moments where I think e're fine....when he's being warm, and then suddenly becomes harsh and serpentine that I am bothered by him. It makes me so upset and so angry....just seeing him makes me both angry and happy. I can forgive him in an instant, and he can slowly break down my barriers only to strike like a snake andtear another hole inside my heart. And I'm taking it out on other people somewhat. Not outwardly, but I feel strange resentment toward his sister sometimes when he gets that way, and I always feel uncomfortable being around his fiancee. I've tried my hardest to separate him from her in my mind, but I simply can't. I care a lot about her, and I fel she really adores me, but I can't let go of the fact that she is attached to him....and sometimes I feel like they're attached at the hip. IAnd I feel resentment toward her. It's a strange thing. I really like her, and I hate seeing her. I love her, but I can't stand being around her. I've prayed andprayed, but I can't seem to let go of my feelings for him. I'm hoping Christmas does me somethinggood. I could stand to let go of him.
Enough about that I suppose. I don't think you guys want to read about that. I suppose I should go practice now. I've nothing better to do.
Cisssy - Confused and lonely.
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