Things with sensei are just as confusing as they were when I last wrote. Except now he's engaged, so that just complicates the situation that much more. I could say more on it, but I feel like most of you who actually know me have heard me rand about it plenty. I'm not so sure anyone actually reads this blog anymore anyway, but I feel like having some record of what's going on in my life, even if it's at slightly random junctures, is a good way for people to check up on me. Or if I should meet some umtimely death via car accident or something, you guys will have something to remember me by, and to perhaps understand me better through.
What I've really been struggling with is my belongingness here at Lee. I had a struggle like this around this time last year, and maybe it's just fear. I feel like all of my life, back in Tullahoma, I always had a difficult time fitting in. People hurt me or bullied me or ignored me. I tend(ed) to blame that on my visual impairment, but I don't think that's all of it. I believe I discussed something along these lines previously in this blog at one point, but I'm just recapitulating a bit. Here at Lee, people have become my friends. I have gotten close to people. People have let me in without later deciding I'm not worth their time. They treat me like a friend rather than someone to set aside...someone who needs a ride everywhere. I think people thought of me as someone who just wanted people to give her a ride somewhere, even though that's not what I was at all.
I don't know. I've begun to realize that being a musician, I have a different kind of personality. I'm always alone. As a writer, I have that too, but in a different way. Regardless, I'm always alone. Writing and performing/practicing are my ways of venting, actually. Because no one ever has understood me. You'd think as a writer I'd be more of a socialite. As a musician, I'd have more of a fanbase. But not really. I'm just a quiet person who keeps to herself. But here at Lee.....here at Lee there are people like me all around me. Not so many writers, but lots of musicians, and that is different. They all kind of understand me. They at least understand that half of who I am. These people here accept me. They love me, and they're not afraid of my strangeness. In fact, they welcome it with open arms. The stranger I am, the better in most of their eyes.
This makes me crazy.
I don't fit in. I'm not supposed to, and yet I do here. As I said before....I don't belong here because I DO belong. It's almost an emotional trauma being around people. Like right now, the reason I'm writing here is because I just want to hide from the world. I don't want to sit and socialize with the people around me. I'd rather be a wall flower, but if I don't make myself appear busy, I get far more attention than I want, and I just want to stay away from that. However, unfortunately, I have a class right here, so I have to be here. I can't just lock myself up in my apartment all the time.
I've got more to think about than I want right now. I have juries and finals coming up. I don't have time to think about my personal emotional problems. I have to do the academic things I have to worry about. I don't have time to think about everything else. I'm busy enough as it is. Come Christmas, I've gotta sort out the crap in my mind and rearrange it....
As for Anne.....I feel like I'm stuck here not knowing what's going on with her. We've reached a standstill, but I definitely don't feel the same resentment or dread when I think about her. But I am still not at peace with the situation at all.
I don't know. I'm very anxious today and just very fed up with everyone and everything around me. I'm kinda glad to be back in my apartment where things have a different kind of atmosphere. You know what I really need? Christmas break. I'm tired and sore and done fighting these losing battles against my heart and the romance that I want and will never have if I continue on this path.
I have much more to say, but I can't right now......I mean.... can't make the words come.
Cissy
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