I know many of you are aware of the person who has hurt me the most in my life. I don't want to say who that person is in case someone who knows her sees this. Many of you are also aware that she did something to hurt me very severely the Christmas after I turned eighteen. Well, after she hurt me, I remembered praying that God would punish her for it. After that, things in her life became quite troubled. She got sick several times with various things, and then she ended up pregnant out of wedlock which caused a rift to be torn among some of my family members. Well, she found out before the baby was born that after he was born, she was likely to develop cancer. Well, it turns out now that he's a little over a year old that she DOES seem to have developed cancer, and doesn't have any insurance or money to pay for the operation. And because I DID pray that she would be punished, I kind of blame myself. I feel like this is all somehow my fault, and I'm terrified that there's nothing that can be done unless a miracle occurs. I know that God can do something that big, but if she...dies, I don't know if I'll ever shake this strange guilt for it.
I had a long chat with Sara about it earlier, and I figured some of it out. I also think (and this is due to some counseling from Sara too) that I still feel a lot of hurt for what she did to me 2 1/2 years ago. I still haven't let that go, and I DO want to forgive her and love her and trust her, but it's something that will take so much time for me......so I hope that God will help me to forgive her while she's still alive. I hope He'll guide my heart in the way it needs to go right now, because....in some ways, I love her the most of everyone....because she DID hurt me. And I refuse to let her die without letting go of that pain, because I'll never forgive myself for it.
Many other things on my mind right now, but this is at the forefront.
Cissy
If you keep praying and seeking God's help in this situation, you will be able to forgive her. I know it's hard to do, but it will eventually happen. Just keep praying.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. Even though you prayed for her punishment, that doesn't mean that you caused her cancer or any of her other troubles. I have had similar feelings after for praying for something and the result being not what I expected or something bad happening. When I've felt that way, a person I am close to have always reminded me that I don't have that much power. I can't control the events around me, even with prayer. Sometimes life just happens. In the end, God does have control over everything and He isn't going to allow (or make) someone have cancer unless He has His own reasons for it. Prayer does have power, yes, but God isn't like a Pizza Hut where you can call and order whatever you want and it gets delivered.
Praying for you!