My Mind

A lot's been on my mind lately. The situation as well as my relationship with Sensei, as I suspected, has completely vanished. There was a tiny bit of drama at first, and due to it I was sorta-kinda forced into counseling. Not that I don't need it, but I hate being forced into things like that. The drama is over now, however. At least the outer conflict of it. I don't have to see him. He won't see me. (Any time I'm in his presence he makes it very clear that he wants to avoid me at any cost.) Sadly, my relationship with his sister has become slightly strained, but no one says anything about it. Four people on this campus know who sensei is and to some degree what we went through together. Two of my off-campus friends know as well. Among those six people, I think Elaine knows the most details concerning the situation. But that's a closed chapter in the book of my life. I'll be just as happy to not add anything to it. To me, he has become naught but a memory.

A lot has changed. Inside of me. Outside of me. All around me. Everything is so different now, even from when I last wrote on here. God has opened my eyes to His will just a little more.

One of the friends I mentioned who knows about sensei is a young man I've grown quite attached to. I told him of my feelings, and he explained that, though he, beyond the shadow of a doubt, definitely wanted to continue to cultivate a friendship with me, he could offer me no more than that. That's okay with me. But due to the pain caused by "M", he felt like there were certain levels at which he couldn't continue to support me. Which I also appreciate. He didn't want me to think he was offering me anything beyond what he felt I could handle. It's true. I do become confused when my emotions get involved.

So what it taught me was this: It's okay to hurt. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to even be overwhelmed from time to time, but I can't allow myself to continue to hurt like this. I can't dwell on these painful things only in order to win people's pity, or worse yet, subconsciously, but still intentionally sabotage my relationships in order to continue to feel more. I must learn to know when to seek people's help and attention when I'm troubled, but likewise I must not dwell on the small things and demand attention at all times. Reminds me of a dialogue I heard on an Anime I saw one time:

The female protagonist was pondering what she could do for the male protagonist, since he was always helping and protecting her.
"Smile for him!" One of the supporting characters told her.

Later in the episode, the girl was thinking about this to herself. "Mokona [the supporting character] tells me I should smile for Syaoran. [the male protagonist.] Whenever I smile, Syaoran smiles back, and when Syaoran smiles, my spirit soars. I wish the whole world could just go on smiling."

That's kind of how I feel about my friend. I can see that he cares about me a very, very great deal. So seeing me sad troubles him. Especially now that he feels he should avoid causing more confusion by comforting me. So the best thing I can do is be brave and smile.

And it's true...what Sakura said. When he smiles, my spirit soars. I know that if I really need him, as long as I'm honest, both with myself and with him, that he will try to be there in whatever way he can. But he shouldn't have to be my comfort every rainy day. And if he is, let it be because we're making each other smile.

I understand that we both value honesty a lot. So I know I can trust him to be honest about his feelings now, and if there's any change as well, I trust he'll tell me. But at this point, I don't need things to change. I'm bold enough to believe that he loves me just as much as I love him. Even if our love for each other looks different and feels a little different, the amounts are comparable. This is the first time in a long time I've felt like someone loves me as much as I love them. And if possessing that kind of relationship with someone means that my romantic fancies aren't going to be met, then so be it! God gave me this opportunity, and nothing, not even my own tendencies are going to drive that away! I won't let myself!

But....in attempting to stay cheerful for my friend, I've found myself being more cheerful in general. I try to avoid posting statuses on Facebook that are too deeply emotional or sad. (I've learned from experience that, if you appear happy on the outside but show signs of being sad, it troubles people even more.) I've intentionally made myself be cheerful so that if I should "fatefully" run into my friend, there's less chance of him finding me in a rut. And I've found myself in a genuinely better mood because of it. Not only that, but people are more willing and desirous to communicate with me. My friends will stop and talk to me rather than pass me by with a quick hello.

But I can't give all the credit to him. Yes, he was a huge help, but it was because I trusted God through all of this that I've changed so much these past few weeks. It was very hard to deal with at first, and it felt like an act - a facade I was putting on for a boy. Sometimes I still feel like it sucks when he pats me on the shoulder and tells me (in not so many words) to "add effort," as I'd say rather than embracing me warmly and reminding me that things'll work out. It hurts when I text him, and I literally get nothing back, even when I ask a direct question, and I have to go to him later and ask him in person if he got it. It's tough when he puts on his mask and won't let me see what he's hiding, even when I know something's behind it. But at the same time, I understand. It's conflicting, but I get it. I was praying about it last night, and it was like I heard God verbally say to me "Don't you trust me yet? Hasn't all of this worked out okay thus far? Why can't you just give it to me and leave it up to me?" And so I did. And He blessed me today because of it.

And it's true, without His help, I probably would have given up on this whole endeavor to please my friend. I would have seen it as only an attempt to please my friend and given up on it. But because it involved some growth on my part, God helped me see that and that I was growing and that my relationships were becoming healthier....that I was becoming healthier, and that I was even growing in Him.

It's not like I don't still struggle, but as long as I continue to focus on the positive, I know He'll always be with me no matter how many friends come into and go out of my life.

I'm still struggling with the issue of desiring freedom though. I find the way I spend my days is a little more scattered since I came home from Spring Break. The days just sort of float by, and I'm not really sure where they go. I practice for shorter, but more frequent intervals. I find myself doing more spontaneous things. I'm even more forward with my requests and ideas. I find myself less afraid to ask someone if they can do something for me. I'm not scared of asking for things. I buy things I want and use things I have. I'm a little more responsible in some ways, but in others I'm more irresponsible.

I think the paradigm shift has added to my more cheerful demeanor. I picked myself up off the ground once I'd fallen, and from there I worked to discover in what ways I could make myself find that freedom here. And because of that, it's changed my perspective upon myself, the things and people around me and even my experiences. I've learned to appreciate things more. I've learned to take care of things. I've realized more of the importance of taking care of my own self. I have come to appreciate my body for what it can do for me, and rather than abuse and starve it, I've decided to actually take care of it through proper feeding and light exercise.

And I've come to appreciate smaller things too - the sunshine, the rain, a text message reminding me that someone loves me, the way people say my name, even the cold which I hate. I've found I love the feeling of brushing my teeth. It's a soothing process in and of itself. I love the routine in it. But more than that, I find very comforting the feeling of the toothbrush gently massaging my gums as I ready myself for bed, or the cool flavor of mint to help wake me up in the morning. Who knew that such a simple, routine task could be so therapeutic? I love going to concerts and recitals in the evenings, and after I graduate, that's going to be something I'll miss horribly. What a great way to clear one's mind after a busy day than to listen to something beautiful. It can be lethargizing (I think I just made that word up) after a bad day. It can be energizing after a good day. Sometimes, when you're so keyed up that you can't get yourself to calm down, it's just a good way to help you relax. Or it can be a good place to think.

There are so many good things that have been laid upon my table. For so long, like the song says, I've only wanted the ones I couldn't get. But here I am, looking at all of the things, the simple pleasures I have right here in front of me, and they're all within my reach. God is showin me how to appreciate my life for what it is: How love through friendship can be just as satisfying, or maybe even more so than romantic love. How simple things can be just as pleasant and helpful as big ones. And more importantly than any of these things, that He and many of my friends are there - immediately when I need them. They and He love me a lot more than I'm giving them credit for, and it's time I just accepted that love for what it is, rather than reading into it and sabotaging it.

Cissy

Spring Break

So I'm not entirely sure where we left off last time, but I must say I really don't care. I can update you all on what's going on in my life, all the romance, drama, beauty and pain later on. For now, I have actually found paradise. It's such a strange thing that I've found this place after having had a friend from here for so long, but I really love this place. I've never felt like I belonged to a place like this before. Even in Cleveland, where I feel very much more at home than I do in my hometown, it's still not quite like Portland. Yes, I'm in Oregon. I'm here because a friend of mine, Elaine, whom I've known via the internet for about six or seven years now, is getting married. I flew up here for my Spring break, and I fell in love ever since I saw the view from the airplane. Seeing the rugged Rockies as we began our descent, and then seeing the flush greenery pop out of seemingly nowhere was a little bit breathtaking. Then as we were landing, the sun was shining beautifully on the river. Once we were on the ground, driving around I wasn't disappointed either. The trees and the greenery were so lovely. Nature has such soft color here. It's gorgeous. I also really love the gentleness of the sky, especially at sunset. I can't help myself. I wish I could just share this beauty with all of my friends and loved ones, and I like to believe that one day I'll be able to take my family here, whatever that may mean at the time.

It's been a very relaxing vacation thus far. I've been very well taken care of by Elaine and her family, and it's just been a great time to get the painful things off my mind and to concentrate on those things that I think are good. I can worry and stress out over stuff after the break is over. Right now, I laugh at my problems and stare at them. They're 2500 miles away right now. They look so small and vain. When I get back home, I'll probably have a heart full of pain and agony, but for now, I'm very happy to concentrate on the fact that I'm far away and just enjoying this week. It's not something I've had the luxury to do in such a long time, I'd forgotten what it was like. I'm away from everyone and everything I know. I'd never even met Elaine in person till yesterday, so I'm completely separated from any connection to pain and misery. There are no negative feelings in this place, and it's so very refreshing.

It's also giving me a great opportunity to concentrate on what it is I'm feeling for "blue eyes" as I referred to him in my last entry, I believe. Not only can I get my feelings in check, but I can also be able to figure out how best to proceed.

He called me "Miss Independent" the other day. I'd never thought of what I'm doing, this trip to the other side of the nation, away from all things I know, as me being independent. All I thought was that I wanted to be there for my friend at this wonderful time of her life. I wasn't even thinking of myself, except that I wanted to see her. But how many people my age, even sighted people, would be willing to take that kind of risk? Of course Elaine and I have been friends, as I said for something like six and a half years now, but I guess it is brave, and maybe a little crazy of me to take this kind of enormous leap of faith. It only occurred to me on my layover b/w flights that I was actually doing something crazy and risky. But I'm really happy I took this risk. I'm very happy I got to see this beautiful place I'd fall in love with. If I could never leave, I might not. I'd want to drag my friends and family here of course, but I can actually see myself living here. As I look into my future, I can see myself actually wanting to move here. Not just visit, but move here and take my family with me.

So....what surprises me the most about Oregon? It doesn't get nearly as cold as I would have expected. In fact, it's only marginally colder here than it was in Tennessee when I left. Just need to wear a light jacket to stay warm. Sure, Tennessee was in the 60s yesterday, but who cares? I'd rather it didn't get too hot in March, anyway. :P

There's only one thing I wish I could do differently.... I wish I could share this place with my blue-eyed sunflower."There's a warm wind blowing the stars around, and I'd really love to see you tonight."

Cissy

A Little Pain

Much is on my mind right now, but words cannot quite express.

I started a composition about a year ago. Sensei was that inspiration, and I finished it on the 18th. A week ago today. Yesterday, I gave him said composition with a very long note explaining, to the best of my ability while still being delicate concerning the subject, everything. My feelings are very clear now.... When he reads my note, I feel as though I'll not be seeing him again. Even if he's understanding about my feelings, I don't know if I'll ever be able to look him in the eye...and honestly, I hate being pitied.

But from what I've been told, it's a beautiful composition. (I kept a copy for myself of course, but I feel as though Sensei was its rightful owner due to his great deal of inspiration, both emotionally and theoretically/academically. Regardless, I actually made one friend of mine cry when I played it for her, and ever since, I've ben at this place emotionally that is very...honest. It's slightly painful, and I'm a little sad...but not as distraught as I typically am when I get downright depressed. I'm a little...drawing back into myself... picking back up the fragments of solitude I tend to hold close to my heart when I am in pain. But I'm not in the dark rut I was in over break.

Honestly, I'm glad Sensei knows everything now. I hate that I might not see him again, but I'd rather a person know what is going on in my head, even if it's difficult to say.

Cissy

Messages from God

So, I'm not going to talk about my personal life, Sensei, Blue-eyes, Anne....they can all wait for now.

The real thing I want to talk about right now is my relationship with God. Call it a testimony, if you will. You don't have to read it. But I'd recommend that you did.

So, it doesn't take someone with a Ph. D in psychology, a rocket scientist, or even someone who knows me really well to figure it out. It's obvious by simply reading this blog that romantic relationships are of a great deal of importance to me. I get attached to people, and to me a romantic relationship would be the epitome of being able to show that deep attachment I wish to share with someone. I think the desire has lessened a bit as I have developed more friends and realized that those friends can fill some of those gaps, but romance is still a pretty big deal to me. You also don't have to be too brilliant to figure out that I've also had a lot of bad luck in that area and have faced a great deal of struggle and heartache because of my tendency to get too attached too soon...or simply get attached to the wrong people, either one. I was praying about this issue, more that I would find some reprieve for the heartache than to actually find a relationship, but the latter was also a concern. Of course, this is in no way unusual for me. But as I was praying, I felt as though the Lord was telling me "You'll find him soon, My child." It was a very very comforting feeling. It was as though God was actually saying that after all this time of searching, just a couple of weeks even, might be my time.

But I feel like this pales in comparison to what has occurred over the past few days.

I mentioned that I'd been going through a depression. Well, shortly before the incident I mentioned before, I asked my dad to pray for me concerning my depression and trust issues, and he did (of course), and soon I began to feel a wave of peace surround me....the kind of peace that allows you to let go of the hurt, and I cried a bit, but the tears went away, and I felt better than I had after all the other crying I'd done. Similarly, last night I was feeling a bit anxious....not about anything in particular, but just anxious in general. I think there is actually a bit of Spiritual warfare going on right now in my life. The enemy is attacking my spirit, and I've really not been fighting back like I should Anyway, I digress. I was listening to this arrangement of the old hymn "Abide With Me." I was mouthing the words along with it (My suitemate was in the other room, and I had headphones in. Music major or not, I'm oddly self-conscious about people hearing me sing just to myself.) At the words "Help of the helpless, O abide with me." I felt as though.....the only way I can put it is, God walked up to me behind my chair like a parent would a child or someone would do for their spouse, and...wrapped a sort of spiritual blanket around me. It felt like "As long as you have this blanket around you and believe I am with you, no harm can come to you." I've still been slightly anxious but not nearly as much ever since that.

The other thing is...well, several things happened to me today. One....is an issue most readers of this blog are not aware of, but is a very old story to which another....episode popped up unexpectedly. I told a friend about it, and she said she was praying for me....not an unusual response for people around here, but somehow I really felt comforted in that fact. Also, there was an academic issue I was concerned about, and I felt like both of these issues were addressed directly to me during the convocation service this evening.

As I was worshipping, at one point, I felt like God was saying to me "I'll make sure you're ready for your UDAE," (Upper Division Admissions Exam....the academic thing I was talking about.) , and as I lifted my hands, I felt something real and tangible almost take my hands. Usually if I feel anything, it's just a Spiritual surrounding warmth, but this was almost....heavy as though it was pushing my hands back down, saying "There's a burden coming your way, but I want you to accept it. However, I will make sure the enemy can't touch you during this time." And then later on in the service as we were finishing the actual worship, I felt like God was saying the episode from this morning was partly a test and partly a reminder....to show me how much I'd grown since before and how much stronger I was now.

Basically, I've just had a lot of communication with the Holy Spirit here lately, and I know convocation week usually is huge, so I expect this isn't the end of this. Be praying for me and my family as we face what's ahead.

Cissy

Continued Complications

So as life continues on, another semester has come to greet me. My break was...eventfully uneventful. Christmas went reasonably well. I got a scooter and an iPad which I feel both will help me a great deal this semester...I'll have to wait till all the ice melts before I use the former. I don't trust myself, seeing as I'm not used to a scooter yet, added to my eyesight AND the ice. I should at least be in a familiar, reasonably safe environment before doing something potentially dangerous.

After Christmas though, I fell into quite the little depression. I felt a bit isolated and as though there was nothing to do, and due to that, I slept pretty much all the time....and thought. And as is the case with me in most cases, I became depressed. So when I wasn't sleeping, I was just laying there crying. Embarrassed as I am to admit it, I even had some suicidal thoughts...none that I would have acted upon, but it was more than just a passing thought within my head.

The following week, my grandparents came to our house, and brought along with them, to celebrate Christmas with us, Anne and her baby. The weekend went pretty well, and I did an okay job pulling myself out of my depression. Whenever I could stand to not isolate myself, I spent the majority of my time WITH Anne and the baby. Sunday night, my other aunt, uncle and baby cousin arrived at our house, and we did our Christmas festivities with them. The weekend had gone pretty well from my perspective. The next day, they were getting ready to go home, and due to a misconstrued tone, Anne mistook something I said as being rude and threw an enormous tantrum. She blew everything ridiculously out of proportion, and several things were said...things were brought up from the past, including the "incident" of three Christmases ago. A lot of hurtful things were said, and what really came out was that she hadn't forgiven me at all for the things that I had already tried my best to let go of. She had so many issues with me that she had to bring up, and I, in my depressed state, couldn't really handle any of it. And some of the things she said stick with me even now.... I keep telling myself that she doesn't know me...that she hasn't even seen me, and that she can't really know how I think or act or feel...or even what kinds of turns of phrase I use. I'm pretty sure the thing about her having cancer was just a lie, too.

What this says to me is that, all this time, these past years I've spent trying to mend the very very broken relationship we have....this time that I've been working to precariously build some trust and friendship between us.... the fact that I went to therapy FOR HER.... she's unwilling to see it. All she sees is herself and how this isn't her internet, video game world where all she has to do is put back on her keyboard mask and avatar personality and hit the reset button to fix things. She thinks that if people aren't willing to work with her exactly how she wants them to that she has been wronged in some way

And you know what bothers me the most? I think that if I had just left well enough alone that Monday and not asked her what I asked her or responded the way I did when she answered (which was in no way meant to be rude or mean or disrespectful) that maybe things would be different.... I keep blaming myself, and no matter how many times I tell myself that "that's just her. If that hadn't happened, she would have come up with SOMETHING to pitch a fit about," I just can't totally believe it. There's this voice inside of me that STILL blames myself for it. I think that's the most frustrating thing of all.

Because of this situation, not only did she destroy the trust I worked on building between the two of us, but I'm also struggling to have faith in humanity....in my friends, in the people I know love me. I'm in a very vulnerable place at this moment, and I feel like any time a friend of mine even so much as shows false signs of having the ability of taking advantage of me, I run away and hide. I become defensive and afraid, and I'm scared I'm gonna push my friends away due to that. And some of those friends that I'm afraid I'm pushing away are some of the ones I care about most. I know I'm being oversensitive, but I think I have that right at this point.

As you can imagine, it's very good to be out of dodge of that and back at school. I believe the situation with sensei has simmered down within my heart. I do still feel attracted to him, and if I'm not too careful, I might end up developing some feelings for him again, but at the moment, there's someone else I have feelings for more than that, which is equally conflicting for me personally, but outwardly wouldn't be nearly as complicated.

Classes have begun, and all is well right now. I'm almost out of my depression, even though I'm struggling greatly with trust issues right now. I feel like it's going to be a good semester

Cissy

Killing Time

I've got a lot I could and should be doing, but the day still has a few hours left, anyway. I'm done with my classes, but I'm not hungry, not ready to return to my apartment, and frankly I'm about all practiced out for the semester. Yes I have homework to finish, but it's at my apartment. Everyone gets like this at the end of the semester. I'm hoping the few days we have off for Thanksgiving will be enough of a break to motivate me to get through finals and my jury. I have to finish my final project for theory. I don't have the motivation to do that though. I barely understand the things he's taught us, and I'm struggling. I'm NOT a composer. I'm composing one piece, and it's for Sensei, because Sensei inadvertently is the one I blame/give credit for inspiring me.

I've got a lot I can talk about right now, but I don't need the world reading over my shoulder. I'm ina computer lab, so I don't knwo how much privacy I have. There's too muchy for me to think about right now. My head hurts. Oh I can explain that.

So I went to the doctor a little over a week ago, due to me hitting my head on my dresser, and for a couple weeks afterward I had these headaches that progressively got worse and worse. I also started to be unable to focus with my right eye, and I became really extremely light sensitive. I still am slightly.

So I went to the doctor after having basically broken down in my sight singing class.... I knew it was time to go home and see someone about my head. My headaches were making me extremely emotional, and I decided then was the time to see a doctor. The doctor said (after some examination) that I have some nerve damage in the first branch of my tre-something-or-other in my brain, and that I'd have to take this medicine. This medicine makes me extremely sleepy and out of it, but it at least helps me get my guard down, which is something I've been needing and intending to do for a while now. I just wish I wasn't so out of it. I'm scared this nerve damage might go deeper than the doctor initially thought though, because my motor skills seem to be suffering. That may just be exhaustion and burn-out, but I actually was practicing piano the other day, and I realized that I had totally forgotten the phrase to a piece I've been working on all semester. Yes, I hadn't played it in a day or two, but I have this piece memorized, or so I thought. I kept being unable to play that chord progression too as the piece went on. I'm a little scared about what may actually be wrong with me.

So I changed my major. Don't freak out once you read that. It wasn't that drastic a change. I just changed it from music education to simply "music". Which is different than being a performance major. Semantics, semantics. Semantical nonsense. I can't wait till this semester's over. I need Christmas break to sort out my brain, and see if there's anything wrong with it beyond the initial slight nerve damage the doctor suggested. He didn't do any actual tests, but he did do a few little things there in his office, like seeing how sensitive my head was, testing my motor skills, and he even described the kind of headaches I was having.

I am suffering mightily right now. Few know my real dilemma with sensei, adn even fewer know all the details. I don't really think anyone knows ALL the details, but I have a lot of hurt there. Seems he goes from being warm to being cold in a heartbeat. I think all is well between us, and then like a serpent he sneaks out of nowhere and strikes. It's in those moments, those moments where I think e're fine....when he's being warm, and then suddenly becomes harsh and serpentine that I am bothered by him. It makes me so upset and so angry....just seeing him makes me both angry and happy. I can forgive him in an instant, and he can slowly break down my barriers only to strike like a snake andtear another hole inside my heart. And I'm taking it out on other people somewhat. Not outwardly, but I feel strange resentment toward his sister sometimes when he gets that way, and I always feel uncomfortable being around his fiancee. I've tried my hardest to separate him from her in my mind, but I simply can't. I care a lot about her, and I fel she really adores me, but I can't let go of the fact that she is attached to him....and sometimes I feel like they're attached at the hip. IAnd I feel resentment toward her. It's a strange thing. I really like her, and I hate seeing her. I love her, but I can't stand being around her. I've prayed andprayed, but I can't seem to let go of my feelings for him. I'm hoping Christmas does me somethinggood. I could stand to let go of him.

Enough about that I suppose. I don't think you guys want to read about that. I suppose I should go practice now. I've nothing better to do.

Cisssy - Confused and lonely.

Promised UPdate

I'm really terrible at keeping up a blog. I think it's part of being a music major. You get into the semester out of nowhere, and suddenly you've got an abundance of things to do. Then you realize you've lot your entire social life, or just stopped doing something you normally do. And I don't really think this is how any of you keep up with me, but I hate to think that someone might stumble upon me and get the wrong impression since I randomly disappeared at a bad time.

Things with sensei are just as confusing as they were when I last wrote. Except now he's engaged, so that just complicates the situation that much more. I could say more on it, but I feel like most of you who actually know me have heard me rand about it plenty. I'm not so sure anyone actually reads this blog anymore anyway, but I feel like having some record of what's going on in my life, even if it's at slightly random junctures, is a good way for people to check up on me. Or if I should meet some umtimely death via car accident or something, you guys will have something to remember me by, and to perhaps understand me better through.

What I've really been struggling with is my belongingness here at Lee. I had a struggle like this around this time last year, and maybe it's just fear. I feel like all of my life, back in Tullahoma, I always had a difficult time fitting in. People hurt me or bullied me or ignored me. I tend(ed) to blame that on my visual impairment, but I don't think that's all of it. I believe I discussed something along these lines previously in this blog at one point, but I'm just recapitulating a bit. Here at Lee, people have become my friends. I have gotten close to people. People have let me in without later deciding I'm not worth their time. They treat me like a friend rather than someone to set aside...someone who needs a ride everywhere. I think people thought of me as someone who just wanted people to give her a ride somewhere, even though that's not what I was at all.

I don't know. I've begun to realize that being a musician, I have a different kind of personality. I'm always alone. As a writer, I have that too, but in a different way. Regardless, I'm always alone. Writing and performing/practicing are my ways of venting, actually. Because no one ever has understood me. You'd think as a writer I'd be more of a socialite. As a musician, I'd have more of a fanbase. But not really. I'm just a quiet person who keeps to herself. But here at Lee.....here at Lee there are people like me all around me. Not so many writers, but lots of musicians, and that is different. They all kind of understand me. They at least understand that half of who I am. These people here accept me. They love me, and they're not afraid of my strangeness. In fact, they welcome it with open arms. The stranger I am, the better in most of their eyes.

This makes me crazy.

I don't fit in. I'm not supposed to, and yet I do here. As I said before....I don't belong here because I DO belong. It's almost an emotional trauma being around people. Like right now, the reason I'm writing here is because I just want to hide from the world. I don't want to sit and socialize with the people around me. I'd rather be a wall flower, but if I don't make myself appear busy, I get far more attention than I want, and I just want to stay away from that. However, unfortunately, I have a class right here, so I have to be here. I can't just lock myself up in my apartment all the time.

I've got more to think about than I want right now. I have juries and finals coming up. I don't have time to think about my personal emotional problems. I have to do the academic things I have to worry about. I don't have time to think about everything else. I'm busy enough as it is. Come Christmas, I've gotta sort out the crap in my mind and rearrange it....

As for Anne.....I feel like I'm stuck here not knowing what's going on with her. We've reached a standstill, but I definitely don't feel the same resentment or dread when I think about her. But I am still not at peace with the situation at all.

I don't know. I'm very anxious today and just very fed up with everyone and everything around me. I'm kinda glad to be back in my apartment where things have a different kind of atmosphere. You know what I really need? Christmas break. I'm tired and sore and done fighting these losing battles against my heart and the romance that I want and will never have if I continue on this path.

I have much more to say, but I can't right now......I mean.... can't make the words come.

Cissy

So then

I'm still alive, I promise! But.... I think YOU want to donate to this great cause called me going to the wedding of one of my best friends. I cannot afford airfare to Oregon right now. So if you want to donate, please do so *in a Ray William Johnson-esque voice* BELOW.

So that aside.... well, I've had a lot on my mind. I may make another post about that later, though. Just not feeling motivated to write. Probably why I'mnot doing WriMo this time around. That and becasue I still have another novel from last year incomplete that needs revising, andI promised myself I wouldn't start a new novel till I finished this one.

Anyway, life is dramatic.

Cissy

Random Ponderings

The weekend has passed quite slowly, and I'm glad I'll be back in class starting tomorrow except for the fact that A. I'm still contact-less (as in lenses, not as in people) and B. I didn't get an assignment done in one class because they didn't have the book at the book store. But I will be doing some studying of my Japanese with my friend Betsy tomorrow, so that will be good.

I've still been pondering over my meeting with Sensei, and perhaps this is the product of me thinking too much, but I've come to the conclusion that he was uncharacteristically happy to see me. And only a few minutes had passed of our meeting that immediately after he had posted on his girlfriend's facebook wall that he loved her, which seems to show signs of insecurity to me. Another thing that happened, which I failed to mention on here simply because I didn't feel it necessary was that a couple days before I came back, I was thinking about aforementioned girlfriend, and when I thought of her, I imagined her name and his surname. And it just seemed somehow right to me. So after a lot of praying, I posted on my facebook status (somewhat cryptically) that I was happy for him and was letting him go and wished them happiness. After I'd done this, I went to bed and cried a little, and I felt the Holy Spirit's warmth upon my face, and a voice whispered to me "I'm pleased with you, my child. I love you." At the time, I thought God was praising me for following His will, but after this recent encounter with Sensei, I have begun to rethink what this might have meant. Perhaps God wants me to be with Sensei, and He was proud of me for letting go of my selfish desire to b with him to offer him happiness with "her". God's will in my life in some places is clear, for example I KNOW He wants me to do something with music, and I sense he wants me to become a teacher. I can tell he wants me at Lee at least for the remainder of my undergraduate studies, but I think He wants me to go elsewhere for my graduate studies, which I do intend to pursue. However, as for my romantic life, I don't even have an inkling what He has in store for me. But...among previous prospects, I feel like Sensei stands a decent chance of being my "one" if you believe in such a thing. And I think....or maybe I just hope.....that God is giving me a second chance with him now that I've learned to be bolder and less afraid....and now that I know exactly what I want. But I'm going to wait for Him to make His will a little clearer to me.

And, I haven't made the blog itself aware, but most of you are aware of David by this point. (Aka the "Waffle House guy" / "gay guy" [he's not gay, but for a short time there was reason to suspect.]) I have realized that Sensei and David are like the sun and the moon. I'm not sure which plays which role, but each of them plays an important part and creates a whole in my life. At Lee, I have Sensei, and at home I have David. And without either of them, a part of my sky is missing. But if I could have one of them, the sky would be complete. And I feel like Sensei might have felt the same way when he was choosing b/w me and his current girlfriend.... each of us has qualities that are unique and appealing to him, but I think he ended up choosing the one who shone more brightly at the time.

And it makes me ask myself, if I was forced to choose between Sensei and David, which one would I choose? I had feelings for Sensei first, but David was there for me the whole summer. He took the initiative to get to know me, and was careful about everything he said and did until I made my feelings clear. When Sensei was courting me, before he was with "her", I felt like I could easily rely on him. I want to say I'd choose Sensei first, but then that's not fair to David. And along the same lines, I feel like if I DID choose David first, I might feel like I was "taking" second place even though I could have first. I feel like being with Sensei would create less trouble among my family and friends, but then if he's not interested, I can't force him. But I don't want David to feel like a consolation prize, because I CHOSE him as well. I could and would be VERY happy with him if it came to that.

"It's just like the sun, but more like the moon."

Sorry about that little rant, just needed to get things off my mind.

Cissy