Back again

So I'm back again ater a lot of not updating. I tend to go on hiatus till I find a dry spot in my day and don't want to wak across campus, but I don't want to be seen playing games on Facebook either, but the sight of a computer screen seems more comforting than studying or something like that. Maybe that's why I keep coming back.

So waht's going on in my life? I was at ods with a friend of mine over the sumer. To be honest, I've sugar caoted it for most of the people around me. It was actually a pretty bad situation. I was basically attempting to manipulate him and use him for attention/my own self-destructive purposes. I've told that to some people, but most of them don't know the extent of it. For a long time I was pretty alone in that. He and I were the only ones who knew, and he had no idea how to handle it. He knew that giving me attention would only be making him an enabler, but he was unwilling to give up on the friendship too. Finally, God intervened and sent Vivi to help, and without her things wouldn't be where they are today. I just opened up to him and told him what was really on my mind, and both as I had hoped and feared, he is unwilling to give up on this friendship. And if anything, this period of testing (which seems to have been extended further than I originally suspected) has brought us closer. I miss him terribly, and I want to see him, but I get the sensation that space is really what's best for both of us right now. My gut instinct tells me that, in the end, my absence will only continue to make his heart fonder and I may even get what it is I've been aiming for and wishing and praying for this whole time. But until then, I can only wait, continue to give him space and trust in God.

Somehow I managed to compress that into just one paragraph. I'm getting better at this. In other news, I've actually found myself in a very good position, sociallly. I've become a member of Sigma Alpha Iota (SAI), and the girls aer amazing women of God and good people to have around me. They're positive and uplifting, and I truly feel like we are sisters. During this time of loneliness when i got back to campus, and "that person" wasn't here, they were a beacon for me, and I really needed that badly. It's still lonely here without him, but they're making that tolerable. But I'm finding some of the people who were in his inner circle.... our inner circle are now excluding me because he's not pulling me in. I find that I don't feel like they want me around, and it's both making me rather upset, seeing as I saw one girl in particular who is basically completely ignoring me about 75% of the time, as a really important friend. Yes, friendship goes both ways, but she hasn't even tried. I've pushed and pushed, and felt like I've gotten no real resposne from her. So another part of me just wants to wash my hands of her....avoid her completely and forget about her, but there's this small voice inside of me telling me not to do that. But likewise, I feel like God is trying to show me who my real friends are. Maybe she's just not supposed to be a part of my life anymore. I wish I could just accept that, but I once saw her as an important friend. Did she never feel the same about me? Was she just being two-faced cause I was such close friends with "him"? It's all very perplexing to me.

But I can't allow myself to wallow in self-pity either. I have to accept what happens as it happens and deal with everything as it comes. Otherwise, I'll fall into a depressive rut and have no idea what to do with myself, and I went there before with sensei I refuse to allow that to happen again, especially to that level. But it's different now. At least now, I have people I can talk to about this situation. I have to be careful, seeing as this is a tight-knit community, but there are people, I know, who will always be on my side.